The Internet is full of useful places that can help you find a job, sell your stuff or locate the exact instances of nudity within a movie, among other basic necessities. But when they say you can get anything on the Internet, they do mean anything. Including services seemingly aimed exclusively toward people with crippling personality disorders.
That's why, for a price, you can ...
#5. Have a Creepy Image of Your Face Stamped on Everything
Can't think of a good present for a friend or family member? Are you also a self-obsessed narcissist who can't stand the fact that people might go a full minute without thinking of you? Well, why not give them a horrifyingly detailed copy of your face? They can even wear it as a mask. Maybe you can make your partner wear it while you have sex.
"For Halloween this year I dressed as a maniac who buys a mask of his own face."
For only $4,000, Real-f will create an exact vinyl replica of your face, copying everything from the pores in your skin to the blood in your eye. For a couple thousand more, you can get a full head, which is somehow even less practical and more creepy. And yes, they offer discounts if you buy more than one of each, like for example if you want to force multiple prostitutes to wear them or want to recreate a nightmare.
Can you spot the real one? Hint: She's wearing a white shirt.
If there's a market for this sort of thing, we can't be that far from full-body robot dupli-- oh shit, they're already doing that, aren't they? Kokoro, the same company that made that terrifying android that stalks hospital patients we once told you about, held a promotion allowing two people to order their own fully functional robot doppelganger for $225,000. The company's top roboticist, Hiroshi Ishiguro, has already made one for himself.
They are now happily married under Japanese law.
Apparently the promotion went well, because in 2011 a Danish professor commissioned one of these from the same guys. And it is extremely creepy. We can't tell if the following video shows the robotic clone being tested or the professor himself twitching from happiness after learning his order went through.
If the price tag on all of these is too prohibitive, you can always go the cheap route with Pillowmob. They'll print a high-res image of your face on a pillow, which you can then gift to anyone you might want to creep the fuck out.
Rape face optional.
That's not a Photoshop, by the way -- that's what the actual product looks like (only with your face instead of that hobo's). Pillowmob prints their pillows at an impressive 180 dots per inch, because the devoted egomaniac won't settle for anything less than complete realism. Don't think Pillowmobs are intended for narcissists only, though: since nothing stops you from sending them someone else's picture, it is also a useful tool for stalkers ...
The pillow is stuffed with his discarded toenail clippings.
... and even animal lovers.
What we're saying is you can put your cock on there.
#4. Pretend You Have a Love Life
We've all met at least one guy with a "long distance girlfriend" so obviously fabricated that it makes a Zooey Deschanel character seem plausible. He might even show you a letter she wrote him using a perfect imitation of his handwriting or a photo that makes her look like a catalog model (mainly because of the perfume ad on the other side). If the guy is especially delusional he might even believe his own crap, increasing the total number of people who are convinced to one.
However, we live in an age when compensatory narcissists no longer have to maintain their own web of lies: they can now pay someone to stay on top of that shit. The website Imaginary Girlfriends allows you to choose from a catalog of "real" pretend girlfriends -- and for only $45, she'll send you scented love letters, emails and pictures and even leave you phone messages that you can "accidentally" play on speaker for everyone to hear.
"Sorry, babe, you can play with my huge dick later. It's Dungeons & Dragons night."
Some of them are also willing to send you special gifts like "a pair of [her] lace panties that you can proudly show your friends," which is only two percent less pathetic than going down to a lingerie store and buying them yourself, like you had to do in high school.
Or buying used ones off eBay.
The fake relationships last two months, at which point the fake girlfriend will send you a heartbreaking letter begging you not to break up with her, the "Renew your subscription" method National Geographic wishes it had thought of. During those two months you will have all the benefits of having a girlfriend with only one catch: You will not actually have a girlfriend. In fact we're pretty sure that using this site disqualifies you from dating anyone, ever.
The site warns you that "There will be no actual real life meetings or relationship between you and your Imaginary Girlfriend" and that "Anyone who has difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy should NOT use this service."
Because delusional people are always the best at telling if they're delusional.
If you like the idea but can't afford the price, there are cheaper options: FakeGirlfriend.co is a free service that lets you add a fake number to your phone under a name of your choosing. You can then send a text message to that number any time and receive a sweet "girlfriend-esque" reply when your friends are around -- if you're lucky, the sender might even be a girl.
But most likely a child in an Indian warehouse.
#3. Create Your Own Fake Career
So what services or technology are there for the manipulative narcissist? Oh, sure, people have been lying about their lives and what they do for a living since time began. But you would always run the risk of getting caught when, say, your new employer calls the Fortune 500 company you used to manage and finds out it's actually a Pizza Hut. That's where CareerExcuse.com comes in -- they are the shady friend who waits by the phone and pretends to be someone else for you.
"That's right, he was head of the Stanford Boning Team. Your clitoris is in good hands."
CareerExcuse.com allows you to use any of their already-established virtual companies as a job reference, "virtual" being a euphemism for "bullshit." If you sign up for their premium service, you can even create a name for the false company (like, say, "Boner Factory") and they'll provide a website, real street address, toll-free number and live phone receptionist -- it's like the plot of a wacky slacker comedy where Jack Black and his friends must convince his boss that he really did work at Boner Factory.
"Unfortunately our merger with them ended when they collapsed and had to pull out."
They'll also write you a fake letter of recommendation, because if you're using their service there's a high possibility that you don't know how to write or read. So basically, this means you can claim to have worked anywhere, at any time and for any amount of money and you will always have someone to back up your story.
"Sorry for the confusion, President Obama, but we had to check."
Because employers value consistency, and because the best way to succeed at a job that you got through lying is naturally by lying some more, the same website also offers a "Funeral Vacation" service in which they'll "act as a Funeral Home and have [their] operators standing by to verify any inquirer's [sic] to your fake deceased." The site states that they will then reroute any flowers received to a real funeral home because, you know, that's the ethical thing to do.
And by "a real funeral home" they mean the one from Six Feet Under, apparently.
But does this really work? According to CNN, CareerExcuse.com has flown under the radar of a lot of companies, but they also warn that "eventually, all liars get found out." Oh, sure, eventually. But for now, we're making that sweet brain surgeon money with nothing more than one year of community college!