Cracked Round-Up: Stupid New Year Edition

2012 is off to a pretty harsh start. We started it with a pretty hard New Year's Eve of drinking, which rolled into a hard New Year's of drinking, which rolled into an even harder day-after-New-Years of drinking, which lead to a triple shotgun homicide. Which is why we're hung-over and in Mexico right now. In our defense, those Emu farmers started it.


If you want your workplace to look totally badass without actually taking any risks or trying anything new, Christina has the guide for you. And if you straight-up forgot to come into work today, we've still got you covered- thanks to the ever-helpful Chris Bucholz. Does your New Year's resolution involve both romance and being an awful human being? Robert Brockway's collected all the dating sites you'll ever need. Gladstone took a look at artists who suddenly and surprisingly stopped sucking while John Cheese looked into the real reasons men are terrified to marry. Dan O'Brien fixed movies by adding a single word and Adam Brown closed us out with an in-depth look at the grossest hotel room.



YOUNG MINDS
6 Teenage Inventors That Changed the World
Feeling good about your accomplishments today? You might not want to read this article.


Notable Comment: "All I did in my teens was masturbate like there was no tomorrow... oh well"

In its own way, Jmeister, that's almost as impressive as creating a whole new system of language for blind people.



LOST POINT
5 Characters Who Totally Missed the Moral of Their Own Movie
Just because we're supposed to learn something from a film doesn't mean the protagonist has to.


Notable Comment: "Ok, i haven't seen the movie. But i do remember that back in the 60's, in the comic, is was explicitly stated that Superman had a special UN commission to act as a freelance cop."

That's fascinating, grixit. We didn't realize the UN had the power to give aliens law enforcement jurisdiction over sovereign nations.



SECRET GENIUS
7 Bizarre Easter Eggs Hidden in Great Works of Art
This article is basically the extended edition DVD of history's greatest artwork.


Notable Comment: "That tiny little guy in the reflection of the last one looks like Deadpool."

MrGBH is catching on. Send in the Black-Out team and call the Cleaner.



BLOODY RELIGION
8 Gratuitously Violent Horror Movie Scenes (from the Bible)
There's no way an accurate film adaptation of the Bible would ever get cleared by the MPAA.


Notable Comment: This article inspired more blood-related mathematics by our commenters than even we would have guessed.



SPOOOOKY!
The 6 Most Mind-Blowing Modern Ghost Towns
If you're going to fail, fail in such a way that the entire world will know it forever.


Notable Comment: "I want to play paintball in every single one of these places."

Misthiocracy, that's a great seed idea. But why tone it down with paintball when you could just load up on body armor and play shotgun tag with birdshot?





Natural Disastronauts
The Only Possible Explanation for Enthusiastic Traffic Cops
Cheerful people confuse us.


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Internet Memes That Will Baffle Future Historians
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Politicians Ran on the Issues The Internet Cares About, Great Characters Improved by Jumping to Other Movies and The Greatest Pictures of All-Time Turned into Ads for Modern Products.

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