Cracked Round-Up: Mandatory New Year's Edition

New Year's Eve is upon us, and you know what that means- happy drunk people making out and drinking champagne while sad drunk people sit alone and pound vodka until they can't feel lonely anymore. However you plan on spending the holiday, remember to bone up on your drinking myths and avoid vomiting on any police officers. They have absolutely no sense of humor when you get puke all over their gun.

It's the holidays! Which means roughly half our columnists chose to write about drinking. Usually while drunk. We've got Soren Bowie's guide to holiday cocktails, Christina's first ever sorta drunk column and Robert Brockway's angry rant about why New Year's Eve is the worst drinking holiday ever. John Cheese broke up the pattern with a lighthearted look at why your attempts at self-improvement are doomed to fail and Adam Brown covered a different sort of drug- synthetic weed. Seanbaby closed us off with a look at survival guides for the last big apocalypse. You know, the one with computers instead of Mayans.

CAREER MAKER

7 Physical Mutations that Helped Famous Careers Don't feel bad about your three extra nipples. They might just be your key to stardom!

Notable Comment: "Can we have one article that doesnt shove american crap down our throats, I´m pretty sure there is more famous careers helped by physical mutations that arent Edison and f*****g Roosevelt, Roosevelt is in at least one article a week, try some originality"

Listen Reteos, it isn't our fault that literally every interesting person in history was an American. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some UN flags to burn and Toby Keith CDs to memorize.

EVIL SAVIORS

6 Fictional Villains Who Accidentally Saved the Day Sometimes the bad guys are the best guys.

Notable Comment:"Sauron was not the ultimate incarnation of evil. He was just one of the lesser angels who was corrupted by Melkor, from whom evil flowed."

That's really debatable, fuckingpedant. After the War of Wrath Melkor (aka Morgoth) was cast out of Middle Earth and stripped of most of his power. He certainly still had influence but, in all practical terms, Sauron was the wellspring of evil in the world from the Second Age on. The only reason Melkor retained any power leading up to the War of the Ring was because Sauron spread his cult as a way of maintaining religious control over Mordor.

MIND KILLERS

The 6 Weirdest Things That Are Ruining Your Memory If you really want to keep your brain healthy, find a nice quiet cave and sit there until you die.

Notable Comment:"Stop using the internet?! Ridiculous! That's just- um, what was I say"

We're not sure, rev.felix. Something about how awesome the Internet is, probably. Isn't the Internet great?

STRANGE HOMES

The 6 Weirdest Cities People Actually Live In Suburbia has never looked more boring.

Notable Comment: ""those f*****g assholes! i wanted to go to city number one until i found out a paragraph later the chinese government demolished it, jeez those guys suck."

Yeah, sloangregorov, who could have anticipated a totalitarian Communist government being dicks?

BAD DIPLOMACY

The 6 Most Ridiculous Abuses of Diplomatic Immunity That's it. Our dream job just changed from "loose cannon cop" to "third world diplomat". We hear Zambia has an opening...

Notable Comment:"This almost makes me wish there was a 'Punch a Diplomat Day.'"

This beats out Liquor and Coke day as our favorite new holiday.

Team Tiger Awesome

The Unedited Truth About Two Founding Fathers The greatest friendships are based on hate.

YOU YOU YOU!

The 18 Most Viral Photos of the Next 12 Months We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Video Games Summed Up Via Venn Diagram, Low Brow Movies Remade as Oscar Bait and Internet Memes as Remembered in the Future.