Cracked Round-Up: Soft Drugs Edition

We've all heard a lot of terrible things about the dangers of hard drugs. So we wondered...why not try doing softer drugs? After three weeks of cutting our heroin with butter, we're proud to say overdoses in the area around our office are down 14%. There's been a sizable increase in heart attacks, but hey- you can't win 'em all.

Felix Clay kicked us off with the craziest reasons famous foods were banned. Gladstone followed up with sexual positions that should be named after celebrities while Luke McKinney listed the coolest things ever launched into space. Soren Bowie discussed the things every modern man should know how to do and Felix Clay sequelled himself with WTF medical procedures that inexplicably exist. Adam Brown admitted his terrible addiction to cough syrup as Felix Clay wound things down through kids movies made by people who hate children.

NOCTURNAL CREATIONS

5 Famous Things You Won't Believe Were Invented in Dreams Shit, and here we were working hard when all we really needed was a nap.

Notable Comment: "I don't... I don't understand sewing machines. No matter how many diagrams I look at, showing the path of the needle and the thread, my brain just locks up and screams "WITCHCRAFT!""

Mickeyten, if you're trying to suggest we burn all seamstresses at the stake...we can get behind that.

FOG OF LIES

The 6 Most Outrageous Bluffs in the History of War All the defense spending in the world can't buy the brain of a skilled liar.

Notable Comment: "Man, that last picture of Baden-Powell just absolutely shows the face of a magnificent bullshit artist. A bullshit artiste even. A cowshite barista."

WulfyGoBoom, we'll be disappointed if 'Cowshite Barista' isn't the name of a British punk band within the year.

BADASS NOBODIES

6 Awesome Stories of Bystanders Becoming Heroes One day, this could be you. Y'know, if you weren't such a goddamn coward.

Notable Comment: "Inspiring stories. I really hope I would be the person to step up, but you never know until the situation arises."

Well Saz, statistically, you'll be the guy who urinates in the corner while praying for mercy.

BAD DRUGS

The 5 Most Horrifying Side-Effects of Common Medications Remember: you can never trust doctors. Best to mail us all of your prescribed medications just to be safe.

Notable Comment: "Good ol' "Meth Mondays", I remember them well. Because if giving anyone the means to fight malaria that comes with a side batshit insane, you wanna give it to the guys that are around military grade weaponry 24/7"

Seandlax9 just doesn't know the meaning of a good time.

CARELESS COMICS

5 Surprising Upsides of Horrible Natural Disasters Man, maybe we should have terrible, destructive disasters more often.

Notable Comment: "You know what else makes Turkey and Greece come together? Thanksgiving dinner."

Da-dump chi, Kenith. Ba-dump chi.

CRACKED Staff

If Movie Westerns Were Historically Accurate Where is that on the spectrum of swear words?

YOU YOU YOU!

28 Surprising Unseen Sides of Famous Movie Posters We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Blockbuster Films Had Been Made for $50, If Famous People Had Been Born in the Wrong Era, Ridiculous Pop Culture Controversies / Censorship and World-Changing Technology That's Coming Soon.