#3. Walls That Ooze
Walls that ooze blood has to be one of the top three signs of household demonic possession. If your walls start oozing slime, that's not much better -- you're clearly in a Ghostbusters ectoplasm situation. Really, under non-ghost circumstances, your walls shouldn't be oozing anything.
But when Debbie Hill moved into her Colorado home, on a hot summer day something brown and sticky started running from her walls.
A vicious haunting has never tasted so sweet.
At first she was unsure what the mysterious, sticky liquid was. But then, after deciding to take the leap and give it a taste (finally putting a face to the formerly ambiguous category of people we have to thank for knowing which mushrooms are safe to eat) she found out it was ... honey.
Not to be outdone, this intrepid reporter had a taste, too.
There was some foreshadowing for this situation. Before buying the home, she had heard about how the previous owners had to exterminate a massive beehive that had been found in the walls. Hill wisely called Gregg McMahon (apparently Denver's Bee Guru), who swooped in with the full explanation:
"Bees' wings in summer act as fans, which keep the hive and its honey cool in warm weather. With this string of 90-degree-plus weather and no bees to keep the honey cool it begins to, in effect, pour as if at a Saturday morning pancake breakfast."
It tastes of insulating foam and decay, if you're wondering.
So, Debbie Hill's new life in her new home had become a Saturday morning pancake breakfast, upon which a golden shower of honey was being drizzled. Which is one of those things that would be awesome in a cartoon, but in real life mice and ants love Saturday morning pancake breakfasts, so her home was on the verge of being a massive hunk of bait for an apocalyptic swarm of vermin.
It's the sort of thing that's not easy to fix, either; it involves the massive cost of nothing less than tearing out the freaking walls and rebuilding. A cost that the local news outlet at least tried to help out with by putting out a collection for Hill.
If you choose to watch that news report, beeware of an avalanche of puns.
#2. An Old But Live Artillery Shell
The thing about finding slime or corpses or snakes in your home is that, while weird, none of those things are going to kill you. As far as "terrifying things to find in your home" goes, really they're all better than finding, say, a bomb.
So you can imagine what it would be like to be sweeping through your new home, only to go into the basement and find something green, heavy and distinctly bomb-shaped.
It's a conversation piece. The conversations tend to be quite short and question the existence of a loving God.
Linda DeForest of Goshen, Indiana, is the one who found a foot-long piece of hot ordnance that she at first informed her husband was a torpedo.
Upon going downstairs to inspect what he probably thought was just another stereotypical case of the missus getting all worked up for nothing, he found out that she was totally right, and then proceeded to dutifully fulfill his bungling husband stereotype by picking it up and toying with it a little, reporting: "I knew it was official because it was so heavy."
"Also when I threw it to the wife she screamed, so I guess it must be dangerous."
The DeForests consulted family friend and army veteran Joshua Blankenship, who kindly explained that it was either a round for a mortar or a lightweight anti-tank weapon and, more importantly, that it showed no signs of ever having been disassembled and disarmed. Finally, and most helpfully, he advised them to put the fucking thing down and not touch it.
Or to save it for July 4th.
And so that's what the DeForests finally did, allowing an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Unit to come in and take it away, after evacuating the family to a neighbor's house down the street. In the end the DeForests chalked the incident up to a previous resident who must have been an avid war memorabilia collector, who on moving day presumably said, "Damn, I'm not packing up that one! That shit could explode at any moment! Better just leave it so the next owners can start their own collection."
#1. The Mummified Body of the Previous Owner
OK, so earlier we pointed out how horrifying it would to be to find out your house was built on top of a bunch of centuries-old corpses. What could possibly be worse than that?
How about walking into your new home and finding a mummified corpse staring at you?
Man, and all that the previous owners left us was the mummified remains of a cheese sandwich.
Imagine you're Jorge Giro. You buy your new house in the seaside town of Roses, Spain. And what a deal you got on it, too. It was a foreclosure, after the previous owner mysteriously disappeared years ago.
So you twist the key and cross the threshold of your new home. As you step into the living room to admire the view of the Mediterranean, you realize that someone is already there: the dried-up corpse of the previous owner.
"Thanks for the help moving. I bought you all jerky."
Yeah, when we said "mysteriously disappeared" it turns out that means "passed away peacefully and nobody bothered to check in on her." You'd think the bank in Barcelona would have done a basic walk-through after they seized the house for failure to make mortgage payments. Or, you'd think someone from the real estate office would have taken a look around the place before they resold the house at auction. But you'd think wrong. Because basic procedures such as that would have fallen out of line with the greater cosmic scheme ... to terrify the shit out of Jorge Giro.
"Got you! Hahahaha -- oh. My jaw's fallen off."
No one knows how long the corpse sat there, but the mortgage payments had stopped six years prior. Then, the home's proximity to the coast and salty sea air contributed to the natural mummification of the former owner's body. So it was there for years, untouched, just waiting for the unfortunate new owner to stumble upon it. Enjoy your mummy curse, Mr. Giro!
For more on disturbing homes, check out 6 Real People Who Turned Their Homes Into Death Traps. Or check out the coolest house ever.
And be sure to check out Cracked's Page of Horror for hilariously horrifying articles like 6 Signs You're About to be Attacked by Zombies and Dealing With The Guy Who's Clearly Hiding a Zombie Bite.