#3. "HAUNTED DOLL Maka Sioux Indian Princess Earth COA EMFs EVps COA Wants a Home"
There are a lot of people tossing around the word "haunted" on eBay. So many that if you actually want YOUR haunted item to get noticed, you have to convince people that it's really, really haunted. Like, more haunted than any of the other search results.
This one, we are assured, "has been tested GRADE A by the American Paranormal Research Society," which apparently is a thing. They even have their own website. On Freewebs.
Of course, we don't have any context to discern what a GRADE A ghost rating actually means, whether it's a measure of ghost quality or quantity or anything else. We're just assured that "the power in these items may never be come your way again!!!"
Red on red. That's how you draw eyeballs.
#2. "HAUNTED OUIJA BOARD"
It's not enough that a Ouija board can talk to ghosts or whatever, but this one has to actually be haunted, too. How does that work?
Oh, and also, the ghosts are elves.
Nothing says "reputable broker of unholy artifacts" like continuously blinking stars.
After using the board for a few months, the sellers recount that something called "Ailfrid" started talking to them and claiming to be a clan of elves. Of course they were skeptical, so they looked it up, and sure enough, "Ailfrid" means "Elf Counsel" in Gaelic. Proof!
They even have a photograph. That blue circle that they've used as the auction image is apparently what a bona fide elf ghost looks like. And if you're ever worried about buying something like this based on a bunch of hearsay, they assure us that they never place an item up for auction unless they believe it to be truly haunted.
"We guarantee just oodles of Irish elf ghosts, or your money back!"
#1. "HAUNTED WEIRD BIZARRE ORIG. 1980's BILL GRIFFITH MIP CLOWN ZIPPY PINHEAD DOLL"
Don't be fooled by absolutely every inch of this ridiculous looking thing. Zippy the clown doll is, to quote the auctioneer, the "WORST EVIL IMAGINABLE." Actually, we can kind of believe that.
Zippy was found abandoned in a Santa Barbara hotel room, and the auctioneer and her boyfriend thought it would make a good souvenir. Because nothing says "sunny California" like a gourd-headed snarling clown prop.
True evil never indents.
After their car started acting up, they made the reasonable decision to visit a psychic ... you know, just in case their car trouble was caused by ghosts or something. Lo and behold, the psychic informed them that their Zippy doll was afflicted by "PURE EVILNESS, WRETCHED CURSED HEX."
It sure doesn't sound like something we'd want to willingly fork out the 66 bucks they're asking for it. But the evil Zippy doll comes with a failsafe: That plastic bag it's wrapped in.
Let's see the powers of hell get through that.
Yes, according to the seller, the plastic bag is the only thing stopping Zippy from wreaking all kinds of Child's Play-style murderous havoc, because wretched cursed hexes are notoriously thwarted only by a quarter of a millimeter of cellophane.
S Peter Davis explains difficult concepts in not many words at Three Minute Philosophy.
For more bizarre auctions, check out The 12 Most Awesomely Ridiculous eBay Auctions and 5 Things 'Pawn Stars' Doesn't Tell You About Auction Hunting.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see what happens when Cody buys some haunted lube online.
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