#2. The White House Halloween Party
Remember when we said you can arrange a kickass party literally anywhere? We weren't kidding. This is what you get at a White House costume party:
Surrealism and massive balls.
While you may not immediately think of the White House for your list of "best party places in the world," people tend to forget that it is one of the best-equipped places for most occasions -- up to and including getting wild. In 1975, Gerald Ford's daughter, Susan, held her high school's senior prom there, and for good reason: the White House has everything anybody would need for the best freaking party ever. It features a movie theater, a ballroom, plenty of bedrooms, its own bowling alley, a basketball court and a swimming pool ... hell, there's even a hot tub.
What's more, as you can see above, the festivities are now hosted by a President of the United States who is an unabashed Star Wars and comic book nerd. This translates to the exact thing you'd hope for and expect:
The White House
That's a fantastic President of the United States costume.
Hey, look at this! It's somebody dressed up as Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter:
Hang on ...
Yeah, that person would be Johnny Depp. Also at the party in 2009 was Tim Burton and Deep Roy (the guy who played all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willy Wonka remake).
Sasha looks adorably terrifying.
See, this is why you want to grow up to be president, kids. You get to use your status as the most powerful man in the world to have R2-D2 stare down an Ent.
"Could have used you on Endor, beep beep."
#1. The Queen Mary's Dark Harbor
As you leave the trick-or-treating stage of your life behind and enter the beer-and-wacky-dick-costumes phase of Halloween celebrating, you tend to be less about the candy and more about the partying. Woe is you, however, when you find out that Halloween parties tend to be pretty much the same as your regular Friday nights, only everyone wears even dumber clothes than usual and there are little plastic bats everywhere.
Yet with the right mindset (and some cash to burn), you can arrange a kickass Halloween at the Queen Mary at Long Beach, California.
That's the one where they refuse to let out Cabin B340 because of the murdered little girl living there.
It's your average retired ocean liner that's been converted into a hotel/museum. And while that might seem more or less like the trifecta of lameness to most, the owners of the Queen Mary took a double take on their property and realized that what they had was a creepy-ass giant ship (that looks a bit like the Titanic for good measure) that is also a creepy-ass hotel.
Using a corpse as a mattress? Eh, we've done worse.
So they have taken to annually converting the Queen Mary into a giant Halloween complex for an event called the Dark Harbor. The end result is the lovechild of The Shining's Overlook Hotel and a giant ghost ship and HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!
He's there to take your bags, don't be rude.
Yeah. The Halloween-ready ship features, among other things, three onboard and two onshore mazes, some 160 monsters, all the special effects you can eat and some big ass pyrotechnics.
It's not a holiday without pillars of fire.
The horror action that takes place in and around the "damned" ship -- which, as they helpfully remind you during the event, is rumored to be haunted in real life as well -- follows a different script every year. This year's story revolves around a trio of she-demons who make it their mission to hunt the shit out of everyone entering the boat after sunset -- up to, including and especially you.
The service is impeccable in that respect.
Oh, hell yeah. This is the kind of haunted house you get when the people setting it up have some serious money behind it.
We hope they also have some serious firepower.
And in case you still think this is kid stuff, please note that there will be boobs there (video NSFW).
Happy Halloween, indeed.
For more Halloween fun for the whole family, Jacopo asks that you pick up a copy of Little Goblins Ten, a cute little children's book by the very same Pamela Jane that Jacopo is currently writing a Cracked-inspired children's book with.
If you're going as Batman this Halloween, be sure to check out The 5 Most Impractical Aspects of Superhero Costumes. Or check out Slutty Girls in Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Tribute.