5 Halloween Parties Too Badass to Be Real (That Totally Are)
Let's face it, Halloween will never be as cool as it was when you were a kid. Yes, as an adult you get the joy of slutty costumes and spending the evening drunk, but it's just not the same. Haunted houses aren't scary, costumes are lame and the parties are just cardboard decorations and people weeping quietly (your experiences there may vary).
Well, it turns out you just need to know where to go. There are some places where the true spirit of Halloween lives on in grand fashion ...
#5. Eastern State Penitentiary's Badass Haunted House
First, let's talk about the Halloween staple, the haunted house. Unless you're 12, you probably can't remember the last time you were actually scared at one of these. Sure, you might have been startled at one, when the guy with the hockey mask and toy chainsaw jumped out at you. But not scared. You're far too old and jaded to ever go running home to mommy because of some big building with cheesy horror decorations taped to the walls.
Now allow Pennsylvania to prove you wrong with Terror Behind the Walls. It's a Halloween attraction (talk about stretching a term) set in Eastern State Penitentiary, a goddamn bona fide haunted prison complex.
walkwithyoung
Once you enter, you can never leave (except through the gift shop).
Built in 1829, the ESP had a reputation as a pretty nightmarish place when it was operational -- a visiting Charles Dickens described it as "worse than any torture of the body."
easternstate
"Although a lot of that is just Philadelphia."
And the people who ran the place were as insane as the environment -- they happily imprisoned and messed up prisoners as young as 12 and even goddamn dogs. Combine that with some fairly creative torture methods, such as "the mad chair," and it should come as no surprise that reports of paranormal activity on the site have been pretty abundant. And now, every Halloween, the long-closed penitentiary opens its doors to allow the public to revel in its arrested decay.
weekendamerica
They've even kept some of the prisoners around on a steady diet of man flesh.
This, by the way, means the building is as abandoned as Chernobyl and about as well preserved, so it might be a good idea to make sure your Halloween costume includes a hard hat.
thejamisonian
And maybe a dental dam.
The Terror Behind the Walls event is a "low gore" walk through the pants-shitting premises, with plenty of actual gory historical facts mixed with balls-out-insane ghost stories to go with the top-notch production values. It all adds up to the scariest Halloween event in America.
easternstate
An honor taken last year by that terrible Rocky Horror episode of Glee.
Yeah, if you think you're too cool to be scared by masked actors chasing after you, you need to experience it happening while you're walking through the crumbling real-life equivalent of Arkham Asylum.
A haunted one.
thejamisonian
This is why Batman has Robin -- bait.
And while we're on the subject of haunted houses ...
#4. Steampunk Haunted House: Through the Looking Glass
If you don't have a "clearly really haunted" prison to turn into a haunted house, you can still present a pretty kickass experience. All it takes is a high production value and a little style. For instance, there's the Steampunk Haunted House in New York.
evolvepuppets
Behold Hipsterween.
It has so many advantages over its "fake blood and plastic skeletons" peers that it's almost unfair. First off, it's steampunk themed, which is creepy all by itself. Second, it's based on Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, the freakier sequel to the already pretty deranged Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
steampunkhauntedhouse
We're not sure what the label on her cupcake said, but we're not touching it.
And trust us, that unholy combination works. Until NASA finds a way to actually enter Wonderland through a steampunk Stargate, Third Rail Projects' Steampunk Haunted House: Through the Looking Glass remains as close as you'll come to Looking-Glass Land this side of American McGee's Alice. Third Rail's take on the Ye Olde Haunted House routine is basically a straight-up steampunk museum in a century-old playhouse decked out in a Wonderland theme. It focuses on only the darker themes of Carroll's work, and also all your favorite Alice characters and settings now look like this:
Chad Heird
This is far more accurate than the Disney version ever was.
And while you do have a tour guide, his main function is, in true Carroll fashion, to deliberately get you lost, give you impossible tasks and turn off the lights just when you need them.
Adding to the insanity cake mix is the fact that the whole building is as deliberately nonsensical as New York housing law will allow. In short: Picture dropping acid before watching the animated Alice in Wonderland, and you'll have a fraction of an idea what you're in for.
steampunkhauntedhouse
Taking acid before visiting the Steampunk Haunted House ends with either the morgue or a bestselling children's novel.
#3. Halloween at the House on the Rock
So as you can see, the best Halloween hangouts are the kind of places that are terrifying year-round. Which brings us to House on the Rock, aka The Most Insane Place in America.
Architect Alex Jordan Sr. and his son Alex Jordan Jr. started building House on the Rock as a way to get back at Frank Lloyd Wright, who thought Jordan Sr. was a hack and kicked him out of his art school. We can tell Senior took this a bit personally, because he immediately started planning and building the most mind-bending house his peculiar architectural style could come up with -- in the vicinity of Wright's own house in Wisconsin. Then, the son turned the house's rooms into loosely themed crap exhibitions and proceeded to live his life in seclusion like a poor man's Howard Hughes.
joelbrinkerhoff
In terms of taint-curling horror and giant sea monsters, he was as rich as creosote.
Every single inch of the House on the Rock is a horror movie waiting to happen. Let's begin with the Infinity Room, which juts out 218 feet for no other reason than to mess with your head.
puroticorico
Well this just seems infinitely unscary.
The terrifying part is that the room is quite high from the ground and has no supports underneath. Here's the outside:
joelbrinkerhoff
GAH!
When you enter the Infinity Room, you're essentially walking a 200-foot long plank, hoping against hope that Jordan Sr. (who, remember, was laughed out of the profession by one of the most influential architects in history) had his shit together.
Speaking of which, let's take a look at the other rooms. The house features several "exhibitions," with all exhibits out in the open and contributing to the peculiar smell of rot that permeates the building. One room gives us what is allegedly the world's largest indoor carousel.
dchamberlinarchitect
Or at least the largest possessed carousel.
Another features a frozen orchestra of mannequins.
satamkemet
No music. Just a steady stream of muffled coughs and far-off screams.
There's a circus room ...
... a room full of organs ...
joelbrinkerhoff
All completely unplayable by the hands of man.
... an indoor old-timey street that brings to mind the Rapture ...
thehouseontherock
"Those hats belong to the previous occupants. They left rather suddenly."
... and another orchestra, only these are controlled by invisible robots, because everything is better with robots.
florador
Ghosts, too.
Wow. That's just ... wow. It's as if they've taken everything even remotely sinister in life and put them under the same roof to bear upon the wary visitor.
And then there's the Halloween parties. Last year, for instance, the House on the Rock hosted a costume contest (judged by Neil Gaiman), and the winners got to ride that enormous carousel. Although, as evidenced by their disclaimer on Facebook, this is not necessarily a reward -- the riders are specifically told not to bring "open flames, weapons, smoke and sharp projections" and that "as the carousel was not meant to be ridden, there are sharp claws, fragile appendages, etc."
So, it's a carousel with sharp claws that was not meant to be ridden, and you're specifically told not to take weapons with you? There is no way you're getting out with your soul intact.
viceland
Or your lunch.
Did anyone at the Whitehouse ask Johnny Depp to futterwacken vigorously?
ReplyThe photo of Wilmer Jackson, linked from #5 seriously broke my heart. Poor kid.
Replysay what u want about obama, and they do, but the guy sounds like he'd be the s**t to hang out with.
Replywouldn't be so bad if it wasn't at the expense of the taxpayer
...and was held for military kids. I can't imagine the whole shindig cost as much as one Abrams tank. Unfortunately.
I'm normally into Halloween thriller attractions with guys in scary costumes paid to terrorize you, but I'll definitely make an exception for the steampunk attraction in New York. I'd like to see the imaginative outside-the-box concepts they came up with in action.
ReplyIsn't House on the Rock the place in Neil Gaiman's American Gods? I had no idea it was an actual place, much less a terrifying one.
ReplyWell Neil Gaiman did mention it being real in the novel. But it's kinda unbelievable that someplace that makes you trip balls can exist in our dimensional plane of existence without summoning an elder god.
The House on the Rock DID figure pretty importantly in "American Gods", and the final battle took place in Rock City. Marvelous!
I love the House on the Rock, but it can be a little creepy at times. Still, always fascinating.
Reply"Taint-curling horror?" That's incredibly foul, even for Cracked.
ReplyAnd in totally unrelated news-#1 so that's where the 1 eyed shark fetus wound up.
Wow in an misguided attempt to be humane the Quakers sure created hell on earth with Eastern Pen. The conditions were basically enough to push all the prisoners to insanity and turn the guards and wardens into sadistic monsters. If anywhere is haunted that prison certainly is. The article doesn't even begin to cover the horror.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI absolutely agree. I click a link to see what a "mad chair" was. The hellishness just oozed off the page, and I have NEVER seen so many typos in 1 article supposedly professionally written in my life. Was it to add to the horror?
The funny thing is that the mad chair was one of the less disturbing on the list too. That was pretty sick.
Easter Pen probably doesn't even need any horror effects and actors to scare you s**tless. Just a simple tour with the guide graphically explaining every f**ked up thing that went on there combined with the atmosphere provided by the eerily dilapidated and rusted out husk of your surroundings may be more than enough to haunt your psyche for many nights. Oh, and then there's all paranormal phenomena that happens there. Yeah. By that time, you'll probably be too busy struggling with the mental image of prisoners being tortured by sadistic guards and/or slowly losing their sanity while in complete isolation to even care about the guy in the $15-dollar costume jumping out to try and spook you.
"...please note that there will be boobs there." Officially worth it now.
Replynever thought i'd have a reason to visit wisconsin.
ReplyI live about an hour away from THOTR. Trust me, it's worth it. Oh, we have great cheese too.
AND Jelly Belly factory tour! Harleys! .... and Madison, which makes the Tenderloin district heyday in SF look like a Disney picnic.
There's a haunted house type thing called Netherworld near where I live that's been consistently rated in the Top 13 Scariest Haunted Houses in the US. I've been there several times and each time was both amazing and horrifying. My favorites of their haunts (they have three each year) are the ones that also mess with your perception using mirrors, sets that move, and other things like that. One year there was part of a haunt that gave me some serious vertigo, and I've never had that kind of trouble before.
ReplyThat kid in the 2nd to last picture (with the shipping containers).... I think he likes turtles.
ReplyOn Saturday I went to a rave on the USS New Jersey, one of the most decorated battleships in the US.
ReplyAs a philly resident, I've been to ESP for the day tour and terror behind the walls. Hands down, the day tour is way more creepy. What the article neglects to tell you is that there's no real break in the groups let in-you end up seeing half of whats coming as it happens to the group ahead of you. Scary maybe if you're afraid of being led like cattle, but otherwise it's ok at best(Bates Motel not too far away is great,but the whole "they can touch you"factor is used more by the actors to feel up girls.real classy)
ReplyWent to the Steampunk Haunted House last night. It was awesome, but you oversold it a little bit. It was really really cool but not actually scary. That being said, I wish I'd found it earlier so I could go again!
Reply#3 has boobs
Replythat is all i was looking for
g'nite
Id definitely want to party at the white house :)
Reply"Halloween at House on the Rock." Hell f*****g yes. The place is amazing on any day of the year.
ReplyI love it around Christmas. The Infinity Room is so badass with snowy trees all around.
I loved going to Eastern State on Halloween. Scariest? Nah, even Field of Screams is scarier, but the atmosphere is perfect. Letting the gravity of where you're walking sink in makes the actors and effects inconsequential by comparison. I'd love to see it without all of the decor.
ReplyOh my God! People got to RIDE THAT CAROUSEL? The House on the Rock is one of my absolute favorite things about my state, and I would have LOVED to have ridden on that thing.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSeriously, House on the Rock IS pretty creepy, but mostly just fascinating and fun. While some of the items there are definitely junk, or fake, there's plenty of stuff that has lots of historical significance, like music boxes, burma shave signs, newspaper articles. There's just no place quite like it on Earth, and I love it.
It is pretty creepy. The Infinity Room is the worst part, it moves up and down under your feet like a rope bridge. I couldn't do it and stayed near the beginning and listened to a robotic violin. My grandma also went to the Christmas celebration and got jealous. I guess they got one of the biggest collections of Santa statues in the world and stick them all over the house.
I finally visited House on the Rock this summer, and could *not* go into the Infinity Room (very afraid of heights). Altogether I thought the first two (out of three) tours were quite fascinating, and kept forgetting that this was all set in a *house*. However, by the third tour, I was like, "Okay... this is a bit excessive. There isn't anything else this guy could've done with all his money?"
It is a pretty cool place to visit. Note to self, bring out of state friend there at some point.
@erb816
Well he was going for an architectural degree, but...
And I have to say, he even stuck it to Wright in the title of the house. I just hope that FLW didn't preference his style, and that place was built with some integrity in the structure!