4 Reasons Zooey Deschanel Can Stop Pretending She's a Dork

If you're anything like me, you track rising movie starlets through a patented system of chicken bone voodoo and Precog upkeep. It's a good system but sometimes people fall through the cracks. Like when the lil' water baldies began rolling out the name 'Zooey' over and over again, I had to consult other sources to get a reading of what was up. Turns out there's this girl that everyone is love with. This is her:

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She doesn't even know how she can be so adorable.

Her name is Zooey Deschanel (sounds like Da' Chanel, which is coincidentally what I call my perfume when I'm feeling sassy) and she's the new 'It' girl. Or old 'It' girl, depending on how quickly you get tired of 'It' girls. If 'cute' was a commodity Zooey would be the Federal Reserve. Scratch that. She'd be China and the rest of us girls would be used food stamps that once doubled as Clue scorecards. THANK GOD cute is not a commodity is what I'm saying.


"HEY GUYS, WHAT'S UP?"

Do you remember back when Friends was big, and every girl you knew had Rachel's haircut? (AC)ZD is the Rachel of girl people right now. If you're of the female persuasion and you don't want to dress like syphilis in a tube top, this is who you're probably getting some fashion cues from. And if you're a guy, a reasonable facsimile of this girl is who you're trying to meet, not to have dirty, filthy sex with, but to marry and make babies and dirty, filthy noodle casseroles with.

But you never, ever will. Everevereverever. You have a better chance of meeting a meatball lady and making SpaghettiO babies with her. Here's why.

Setting Up the Myth: Zooey's Accessibility

Every generation gets a couple of sex symbols, and most are as accessible as riding shotgun on a mission to Mars; Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn and Mary Lou Retton, for example. But Zooey, we're told, is one of us. She's goofy. She's awkward. She doesn't dress like a hooker. She's a Polaroid snapshot of your mother back before the saddlebags and nipple-high jeans ate her body. Watch this and tell me you're not in love. I'm in love and I don't even like girls unless there's a chance I can get a friendship bracelet out of the relationship. The best part? About ten years ago Sweet Zee was an altogether different person:

A dye job and a trip to Goodwill transformed Zooey into an indie darling.

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PS, 'indie' doesn't mean what it sounds like!

If some vintage clothes and a bucket full of bangs were all it took for Zooey to capture America, anyone could do it, right? Sheeewwwwwt, I have access to a Goodwill. Here's what I look like after I shop there:

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The clothes compel me to sleep between trash cans under a blue light. This vintage stuff is harder than it looks. Speaking of...

Myth BUSTED: Looking Like That is Harder Than it Looks

Clear your booths, padres, because I've got a confession: I've been trying to get my hair to look like Zooey Deschanel's since the mid-2000s. It turns out when you have a cowlick on the widow's peak of your hairline, your bangs will never lay flat and indie. Here's a picture of me after attempting to get bangs:

Disco Music
Talkin' 'bout a sad girl.

Here's a picture of me and my girlfriends at the club in 2006 after attempt number two:


Zooey Ramone! Ha ha, sorry.

The point is that there's a specific formula to looking like you just walked out of a Mad Men audition and Zooey's found it. And unfortunately, If you don't follow the formula or a slight variation of it you just end up looking like you walked out of Mama's Family reunion party instead. Accessorizing with a sweet potato pie probably didn't help your case, either. Here's how Zooey pulls it off:

Got all that? It's the clothes, plus the hair, plus the very round eyes that have been stapled open by a cruel and terrible god who had no idea how adorable his creation would turn out:

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Joke's on you, Omnipotent Creator!

It's a very hard thing to pull off. But don't tell that to all the girls and grown women who are trying to look like this as we speak. Or all of the famous lookalikes out there, not counting Katy Perry, because I'm probably going to make that joke later. There are Zooey make-up tutorials and hair lessons and heartbreakingly obsessive fashion guides. There are fan sites, obviously, but not just the run of a mill, too-much-time-on-your-hands kind. This poor girl has a Facebook page dedicated to her eyeballs. I'm starting to wonder how she sleeps at night.

Zooey Deschanel's Eyes
Not in a creepy way. I mean, I'm not thinking about her sleeping. Not really, I mean, wait -

What's really easy for her isn't so easy for everyone else, is what I'm trying to say without sounding like a creep.

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