12Platinum Vibrator With Encrusted Diamonds
Prior to today, we thought "diamond-encrusted sex toy" was a derogatory term for a man who a woman marries for his money and sexual prowess. Yet this "decadent" platinum vibrator is encrusted with 28 diamonds on what we sincerely hope is not the business end. It may cost as much as a used car, but you can't put a price on the experience of turning your vagina into a metaphor that political cartoonists would call "too heavy-handed."
Just to be clear, all that money isn't just going toward the stones -- it's paying for the "proprietary technology" that's helping this vibrator "redefine the context and perception of sexual well-being." But if that were true, we're thinking you wouldn't need the diamonds as a selling point.
"But there's nothing harder than a diamond! Not even dicks!"
Actually, this just gets more depressing the more we think about it. Who is this for? What kind of message does it send if a guy gets this for his lady friend ("Honey, I've found something that perfectly mimics everything you like about me")? And what does it mean if a woman buys it for herself? We're not mocking women who buy vibrators, mind you. We're wondering how you get to an emotional place where you need diamonds on yours.
You remember the end of Blood Diamond, where the heroes sacrifice countless lives at great personal risk to get the precious stone out of the country, only for it to end up in a warehouse for De Beers? And how you thought that was the most depressing possible destination for a diamond these men risked their lives to smuggle? Think again.
"How am I supposed to get off if nobody died in the production of the object I'm having sex with?"
These handcuffs are plated with 24-karat gold -- use them as restraints while making love, or pursue a career as the world's pimpingest policeman. Also, they double as elegant jewelry. Seriously. The keys are attached to a gold necklace and the cuffs split apart into bracelets, which the site seems to think people might want to wear earnestly. It states, "Accessorize your romantic wardrobe, suggesting to your lover the infinite possibilities the evening will bring."
Wait, they're regulation? That changes everything!
"Infinite possibilities" presumably include the conversations you'll be having at parties about why you're intentionally wearing handcuffs in public. Is there any other excuse that's actually less humiliating than just saying they're for rough sex with a weird old rich person? Then again, if you're going to buy golden handcuffs, it seems equally absurd to just keep them shut away in a drawer where the rest of the world can't covet them.