Whether you're in the 99 percent or the 1 percent, sex is the one thing that unifies us all. It's not like the richest people on earth can upgrade to platinum genitals that fire aphrodisiac darts, right? Right?
Well, no they can't. But it turns out that rich people have access to all sorts of insane sex toys that the rest of us had no idea even existed. So the next time you see a celebrity or political sex scandal in the news, there's a chance they might have been using ...
#14. Gold-Plated Prostate Massager
At first blush, this is just an 18-karat-gold-plated door handle. Then you read the description, "gentleman's pleasure object," and realize it's made to go up your butthole.
So now you have a classy gold tool that you might use to tickle your prostate discreetly in the country club sauna or furiously on the bow of your yacht, depending on how desensitized wealth has made you. But wait, what are those things that come with it? Travel prostate massagers? Actually, they're cufflinks, so you can advertise your favorite sex toy brand at black-tie galas, funerals and cancer fundraisers.
Presumably, the cuffs are special designed to not get in the way of even the most acrobatic butt-hole maneuvers.
The massager also comes with an "elegant wooden gift box," a "satin pouch for stylish storage" and a manual, which we assume consists entirely of fake stories for explaining to the emergency room staff how "the thing that flushes the toilet" got stuck in your butt.
"OK, but what about the other three we found in there?"
#13. Silver Butt Plug, With Horse Tail
What, you thought the gold prostate massager was the most expensive luxury good made to stick in your butt? Think again.
This "unicorn" butt plug is made with an actual horse's mane, providing you maximum realism when you feel like lodging a shaft of solid silver in your rectum to role play as a mythological creature. Unlike your average butt plug, this is a product "inspired by human science and spirituality fused with lust for the finer things in life," which we assume means it was made by the world's finest butt plug scientists in their state-of-the-art butt plug laboratories. We wonder what they tell their children they do at work all day?
"I, uh ... reproduce fine pieces of art. That you put into your asshole."
Anyway, thanks to this cutting-edge technology available for just shy of $3,500, all a true gentleman needs for an evening of class is a bottle of port, a fine cigar and an evening on all fours making horsy sounds with his silver butt plug wedged in his rectum. Because that's what separates him from the masses.
#12. Platinum Vibrator With Encrusted Diamonds
Prior to today, we thought "diamond-encrusted sex toy" was a derogatory term for a man who a woman marries for his money and sexual prowess. Yet this "decadent" platinum vibrator is encrusted with 28 diamonds on what we sincerely hope is not the business end. It may cost as much as a used car, but you can't put a price on the experience of turning your vagina into a metaphor that political cartoonists would call "too heavy-handed."
Just to be clear, all that money isn't just going toward the stones -- it's paying for the "proprietary technology" that's helping this vibrator "redefine the context and perception of sexual well-being." But if that were true, we're thinking you wouldn't need the diamonds as a selling point.
"But there's nothing harder than a diamond! Not even dicks!"
Actually, this just gets more depressing the more we think about it. Who is this for? What kind of message does it send if a guy gets this for his lady friend ("Honey, I've found something that perfectly mimics everything you like about me")? And what does it mean if a woman buys it for herself? We're not mocking women who buy vibrators, mind you. We're wondering how you get to an emotional place where you need diamonds on yours.
You remember the end of Blood Diamond, where the heroes sacrifice countless lives at great personal risk to get the precious stone out of the country, only for it to end up in a warehouse for De Beers? And how you thought that was the most depressing possible destination for a diamond these men risked their lives to smuggle? Think again.
"How am I supposed to get off if nobody died in the production of the object I'm having sex with?"
#11. Gold Handcuffs
These handcuffs are plated with 24-karat gold -- use them as restraints while making love, or pursue a career as the world's pimpingest policeman. Also, they double as elegant jewelry. Seriously. The keys are attached to a gold necklace and the cuffs split apart into bracelets, which the site seems to think people might want to wear earnestly. It states, "Accessorize your romantic wardrobe, suggesting to your lover the infinite possibilities the evening will bring."
Wait, they're regulation? That changes everything!
"Infinite possibilities" presumably include the conversations you'll be having at parties about why you're intentionally wearing handcuffs in public. Is there any other excuse that's actually less humiliating than just saying they're for rough sex with a weird old rich person? Then again, if you're going to buy golden handcuffs, it seems equally absurd to just keep them shut away in a drawer where the rest of the world can't covet them.
#10. Luxury Gold Flake Massage Oil
Cost: $45 a bottle
Everyone knows that giving your partner a massage is the fancy way of saying, "I want to do you but I'm willing to take my time about it." So when a bottle of fancy massage oil enters an already fancy situation, the whole state of affairs enters critical levels of fanciness.
The "proprietary formula" (Jesus, the luxury sex toy industry is just full of top secret technologies) leaves the skin "tantalizingly soft and sensually scented." With scents like "Balsam Fir & Bergamot," we can deduce that rich people are particularly turned on by the smell of either Christmas trees or cleaning products. But that's not why it costs 45 dollars: it's the 24-karat-gold flakes they've mixed in that are responsible for that.
"Make sure you shower over that pan, dear, I'm trying to collect a gold bar."
The gold is included to give your body "an eye-catching shimmer," because that's the sort of absurd addition that separates a regular sex aid from a luxury one. On one hand, this may be the closest wealthy people can get to fucking their own money while still technically having sex with a person. On the other hand, isn't this how Goldfinger killed people?
#9. Sterling Silver and Cherry Wood Spanking Rod
We're told this spanker's "anatomic handle" improves its "grip and overall balance." That sounds more like the description of a golf club or a sports car, but those are apparently the buzzwords you need to get anyone to spend over three grand on a stick. In fact, we've calculated that you could buy a skill saw, some blocks of mahogany, an electric sander, wood stain and two experts to build you an identical spanking rod minus the silver, and still have enough money left over to have each of the craftsmen killed so that your spanker can never be duplicated.
When designer Betony Vernon isn't showing off her sex toys at international exhibitions, she's holding educational seminars like "Bettering Your Sexual Skills." It makes sense that anyone who's willing to spend that much on a glorified paint mixer would want to make damn sure they're using it properly.
Which is probably why she included this image on the page. You know, so you know what spanking is.
#8. Crystal-Handled Whip
Don't think for a minute that slapping people in the ass with objects is just a masculine job either. This crystal-handled whip is the feminine answer to the cherry wood spanking rod. The site calls it "the ultimate in feminine domination." The crystal handle will add an air of dignity as you pretend your lover is an obstinate mule while you ride him around the bedroom.
But aside from the site description and the absurd price, what guarantee is there that this whip is right for you?
Don't laugh, they're out of fucking stock, so someone is buying them.
Luckily, the maker sells that, too; Agent Provocateur (their sex toys aren't filthy if they use French terms!) offers the complementary services of a personal shopper. With just one phone call you'll be in touch with an expert who can answer any question, from "How many uses can the leather withstand?" to "What bodily openings is this safe to shove into?" Somehow, we just know the majority of their calls come mid-coitus for some "field troubleshooting."