Whether you're in the 99 percent or the 1 percent, sex is the one thing that unifies us all. It's not like the richest people on earth can upgrade to platinum genitals that fire aphrodisiac darts, right? Right?
Well, no they can't. But it turns out that rich people have access to all sorts of insane sex toys that the rest of us had no idea even existed. So the next time you see a celebrity or political sex scandal in the news, there's a chance they might have been using ...
14Gold-Plated Prostate Massager
At first blush, this is just an 18-karat-gold-plated door handle. Then you read the description, "gentleman's pleasure object," and realize it's made to go up your butthole.
So now you have a classy gold tool that you might use to tickle your prostate discreetly in the country club sauna or furiously on the bow of your yacht, depending on how desensitized wealth has made you. But wait, what are those things that come with it? Travel prostate massagers? Actually, they're cufflinks, so you can advertise your favorite sex toy brand at black-tie galas, funerals and cancer fundraisers.
Presumably, the cuffs are special designed to not get in the way of even the most acrobatic butt-hole maneuvers.
The massager also comes with an "elegant wooden gift box," a "satin pouch for stylish storage" and a manual, which we assume consists entirely of fake stories for explaining to the emergency room staff how "the thing that flushes the toilet" got stuck in your butt.
"OK, but what about the other three we found in there?"
13Silver Butt Plug, With Horse Tail
What, you thought the gold prostate massager was the most expensive luxury good made to stick in your butt? Think again.
This "unicorn" butt plug is made with an actual horse's mane, providing you maximum realism when you feel like lodging a shaft of solid silver in your rectum to role play as a mythological creature. Unlike your average butt plug, this is a product "inspired by human science and spirituality fused with lust for the finer things in life," which we assume means it was made by the world's finest butt plug scientists in their state-of-the-art butt plug laboratories. We wonder what they tell their children they do at work all day?
"I, uh ... reproduce fine pieces of art. That you put into your asshole."
Anyway, thanks to this cutting-edge technology available for just shy of $3,500, all a true gentleman needs for an evening of class is a bottle of port, a fine cigar and an evening on all fours making horsy sounds with his silver butt plug wedged in his rectum. Because that's what separates him from the masses.