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5 Sci-Fi Medical Procedures We'll Have in Our Lifetime

#2. Health-Monitoring Tattoos

The Problem:

Let's face it: America, as a nation, is so fat we can't even get insulted by the jokes other countries make about our moms. Of course her belt is the equator. How else would she keep her pants from falling down?

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If we could cut down on the Midwest we might finally be able to draw our Bible belt in a few notches.

Along with obesity comes diabetes, a bitch of a disease that basically stops us from eating what we want ... or else. Today, diabetes is as big a part of America as apple pie and baseball, and it's not shy about showing it: According to this 2008 article, old 'beetus costs us a whopping $174 billion a year, every year. For reference, the utter carnage that was Hurricane Katrina cost us a grand total of $150 billion, and at least it had the decency to only happen once.

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That's more than the entire 2010 Air Force budget.

One of the biggest things to prevent the "or else" effects of diabetes from happening, thus wrecking our wallets and health, is monitoring the blood glucose level of patients. But this requires you to lug around one of those glucose meters, and punch a hole in your skin to draw a tiny blood sample every time.

The Sci-Fi Solution:

What if you had the meter always with you, and it made you look badass to boot? The researchers at MIT asked themselves this question and, somehow, came up with a solution with that rarest demographic of all, the health-conscious biker, in mind. Yes, we're talking about goddamn tattoos here, and yes, they will monitor your blood for you.

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"My elbow says it's time for a cookie, bitch!"

Nano-ink tattoos are just like the average dolphins and skulls your average tattoo parlor offers, save for one thing: They continuously check the blood glucose levels of diabetics. The nano-ink that is hacked into your skin eliminates the need for pricking your finger several times a day, which is a big reason people neglect their monitoring. When the tattoo detects glucose, it tells you with a fluorescent glow that is visible under ultraviolet light, thus making you the hit of the rave party as well as the biker bar.

The only device you need to have with you is a wrist watch that is equipped with a UV flashlight and a reader that turns the glow into a normal blood sugar readout on its display. But what if you suffer the classic fate of a person with a new tattoo, and realize that you hate that inexpertly drawn anchor in your bicep? Not a problem -- nano ink dissolves without a trace in months. The tattoo needs to be renewed every six months, so next time, you can get a completely different picture.


"Next month, I'm getting 'WHORE' on my lower back."

#1. Age Deceleration Drugs

The Problem:

As much as people may whine and moan about how much life sucks, when push comes to shove everyone would like to live just that little bit longer. Some of us choose to try and achieve those extra years with healthy eating and regular exercise, while most just live their lives, eating and drinking whatever and keeping their fingers crossed. But of course, exactly how long we live depends on a combination of lifestyle, genetics and crapshoot.

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Probably don't have to worry about this guy sucking up the Social Security.

It's not as if we can eat sausages and churros and just pop a pill to negate the negative effects, right?

Right?

Oh no, surely they haven't ...

The Sci-Fi Solution:

It's called resveratrol, a base ingredient of red wine that is thought to be pretty damn healthy. A while back, scientists found that resveratrol could increase the lifespans of lab animals by a hefty 30 percent. But there was a catch: The animals had to be sustained on a very low-calorie diet to see the benefits.

Via Kenneth Allen
It's also found in Japanese knotwood, which is both low calorie and a great way to say "boner."

Well, that doesn't do us any good, we already won't change our diets just to live longer. Why would upping the reward change anything? No, we need something that works with our lifestyle.

So, researchers immediately went about finding a way to also extend the lifespans of fat people. A small Massachussetts pharmaceutical company called Sirtris found a drug that would prevent any of the normal diseases that result from obesity in lab mice. By keeping fat out of the liver and fixing the way their bodies deal with insulin to keep the diabetes monster away, the chemical appears to be a "Get Out of Fat Free" card.

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Wait a minute, have you been holding out on us, you son of a bitch?

Oh, and it extended the lives of fat lab rats by an astounding 44 percent. The researcher who made the discovery must've been immediately hospitalized because the world's biggest science boner drained his body of almost all blood.

The name of the drug is currently SRT-1720, but expect it to be changed to "Immortafat" or "Upyoursgymgoersiol" as soon as they complete the clinical tests on humans.

Yeah, did we not mention that? It's in human clinical trial stage already.

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In the meantime, we're busy patenting the revolutionary "Red wine and broccoli" diet.

For more ways our world is turning into Minority Report, check out 5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building and 5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build At Home.

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