Cracked Round-Up: Horse-Fight Edition
In this shitty economy, we all do whatever it takes to get by. When dick jokes on the Internet can't quite cover the bills, we at Cracked are forced to seek alternative revenue streams. One of our most successful has been a series of brutal horse-fights, staged in the office parking garage after work hours. Before you get into a tizzy, the horses aren't fighting each other, they're going up against unarmed, drunken hobos and any street urchins we manage to coerce into our van. So far the horses are 32-0, but we've got a good feeling about Tiny Tim's title match this Sunday.
Cody got the funny-ball rolling with reviews of the whole Fall TV line-up based on promo photos taken completely out of context. It actually makes them seem much more exciting. Soren Bowie was next, with an interview of his parents that sheds some light on his tragic character. The word "tragic" here means "cross-dressing". Chris Bucholz delivered a court-mandated apology to the surviving customers of his hot dog stand, while Christina looked at Hollywood's female stereotypes that Hollywood seems to think are accurate. Brockway mused on why we find the apocalypse so irresistible ('We' being a partial stand-in for 'Brockway') and John Cheese proposed over the Internet. She said yes, of course. No one can resist a Cracked columnist, unless they have a taser and a very pricey lawyer. Seanbaby collected unbeatable and wildly unappealing sports records, and Dan O'Brien wound us down with a guide to awkward situations for awkward people written by the world's most awkward man. If you practice sitting down in front of a mirror in order to avoid looking ridiculous, this column's for you.
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BULLSHIT-STORY
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 6 Famous Firsts You Learned in History Class (Are Total BS)
Writing history books takes a lot of time. There's just not much room for fact-checking. That would take ten, maybe thirty minutes of hard Googling.
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Notable Comment: "dis s**t fukin ghey, eddie rodrigez fukin sux cock. fukin dumbass. don t no s**t bout history"
We're fairly certain this is some sort of incantation or hex, thelosah36.
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HIDDEN GENIUS
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 8 Simple Questions You Won't Believe Science Can't Answer
But hey, at least we figured out condoms and fried chicken. Those are crucial.
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Notable Comment: "Gravity is clearly the work of the Devil, trying to pull us into the center of the earth, where he keeps his lake of fire!"
DarthKitsune has a theory some 'scientists' in rural Kansas would be happy to push.
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EVERYDAY ADDICTS
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 The 6 Most Horrifying Lies the Food Industry is Feeding You
Anyone else hungry for wood chips, fake blueberries and piss-beef?
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Notable Comment: Apparently, half of our commenters have no issue with wood pulp being added to their cereal. Your poop may not know the difference, but we kind of hoped our food would contain a lot more...food, than it does.
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UNSTOPPABLE
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 The 6 Most Insane True Tales of Survival
By matter of contrast, half our writing staff ended up hospitalized the day our air conditioner broke. In September.
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Notable Comment: "Its obvious that you've seen more butts than boobs which is kind of disturbing and illegal in some states."
We're just going to go ahead and present MentalPatient's comment here without any context. Let your mind fill in the horrible, terrible blanks.
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KINECT TO THE FUTURE
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 5 Sci-Fi Technologies People Achieved by Hacking the Kinect
The Kinect may kind of suck as a game controller, but at least it's wonderful for all sorts of things completely unrelated to the X-Box.
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Notable Comment: "Microsoft explicitly allowed these hacks and waived their right to prevent people from doing it."
Wow, anaris. Thank goodness Microsoft was generous enough to let people use their own possessions the way they see fit.
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Natural Disastronauts
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 Worse Police Sketch Artist Ever
Katie Willert gets results.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 21 Things We Secretly Suspect about the Opposite Sex
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How Fictional Characters Get By On a Lower Budget, Awkward Moments That Must Have Happened and If Everything Got a Mascot.
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Suck my ever-lovin free-range cock.
ReplyGather 'round me, children, and I shall tell you a tale! It's a tale of how few people find these because they're advertised a whole single click from the main page...
ReplyYou guys got lazy ; Brockway, Soren, and Seanbaby are the only ones ever worth the read . Mainly go to the forums to lol @ the gifs however . Plus the macro thread is hilarious
Replycongrats mr cheese
Replywhat happened to the craptions? i dont want to be rude or anything but craptions where the only reason most people read round ups
ReplyThey became too politicized. You had people literally creating accounts just to vote themselves up...which is a bigger example of masturbation than jacking it to your own erotica...
Congratulations to Mr. Cheese! Thanks for letting us know. :)
Replyi know its VERY late but where's "editors pick" and all that? come on, your roundups used to be more fun.
Reply6th guy in from the left in the banner pic: Jason Statham? Is this a promo pic for "Crank 3" or just an example of what goes on in his real life at any given time...?
ReplyBy Tiny Tim you mean like 'Little' John, right?
Replyd;=)