When's the last time you went to an arcade? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and wanted to see what awesome games they've invented in the last few decades, only to find ... games quite a bit worse than the stuff you have on your home consoles.
What the hell? There was a time when you went to arcades to play games that were bigger, better and more advanced than anything you could get at home. It's like one day game companies decided to stop making those.
The thing is, they didn't stop. They simply stopped bringing those games to the West. Games like ...
6Sonic Blast Heroes, the Dinosaur-Punching Simulator
In Sonic Blast Heroes, you take on the role of a man who punches everything in his path for no discernable reason,* allowing you to recreate the experience of being dangerously drunk within the safety of an amusement arcade. Your entire purpose in this game is to knock out things like a dinosaur, a giant octopus and an 18-wheel semi truck while screaming furious, incoherent exclamations.
*No discernable reason = It's all in Japanese.
Afterward you wake up in some kid's room, soaked in puke and surrounded by smashed toys.
As awesome as that sounds, this isn't exactly an outrageous plot for a Japanese video game -- we're talking about the same medium that has conditioned us to accept a turtle-jumping, mushroom-eating plumber as something normal. The difference is that in this case, the game is played by literally throwing punches at the machine.
What are you supposed to do if it eats your coins?
The game comes with a boxing glove and a pad that rises out the cabinet to let you know that it's punching time. The harder you hit the pad, the more damage you deal to the inexplicable enemies mentioned above, sending them flying into the background. Whoever throws the strongest punch wins the game, apparently.
Once again, the tyrannosaur's tiny, girlish arms are his undoing.
Also, the graphics in this thing are actually pretty great. Just take a look at those incredibly realistic and detailed backgrounds:
Seconds before complete obliteration.
Oh, and did we mention that one of the stages involves punching a giant meteor to pieces? Apparently, the Japanese version of Armageddon would have lasted 10 seconds.
Where You Can Find It:
The game was released only in Japan this past August. So what are the chances that it will be imported into the U.S.? Well, considering that it's a sequel to a 1990 arcade game that was recalled in America in 1995 for causing around 70 cases of "fractured or injured wrists and arms," we'd say they're not very good. Which is a shame, because the old version had crappy graphics and didn't even have dinosaurs.
The wrists of America just weren't up to the challenge.
So if you suddenly feel the urge to get shitfaced and go punch a truck, looks like you're gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.