Cracked Round-Up: Writer's Block Edition

Bad news, comedy fans. Cracked is in the meaty grip of our first office-wide case of writer's block. It's taken the form of an entire case of mis-shipped peppermint vodka. No one's died yet, and we don't intend to stop drinking until somebody does.

Brendan McGinley threw down the awesomegauntlet this week with comic characters who outlived whatever trend spawned them. Soren Bowie took a look at film stars who never meant to be film stars. Christina looked at the ways we deal with awkwardness by making things more awkward and Brockway brought up five upsides to marriage that no one talks about. Except, y'know, Brockway. Bucholz did a solid for the Freshman crowd with his guide to reinventing yourself for college. Seanbaby followed up by making the manliest magazines even manlier and Cracked's own elevated editor Jack O'Brien dropped in to bust your illusions about Hollywood's favored vocations. John Cheese wound things down with another column full of good advice you kids won't appreciate until it's too damn late. And Dan O'Brien overloaded the Crotchety-ometer with some words that change in meaning as you morph into an old fart.

BITE ME!

The 10 Greatest Uses of Trash Talk in the History of War If you have to spend months in filthy trenches surrounded by death, you might as well be witty.

Notable Comment: "I was going to be pissed if you didn't have a LOTR reference with "YOU SHALL NOT PASS""

MrChinchilla, we've convened a council of Comedy Experts who have ruled that your comment is not funny.

CLASSIC CREEPS

5 Inexplicably Horrifying Episodes of Classic Comedies You young whippersnappers today don't appreciate good, soul-scarring television.

Notable Comment:"There is something very wrong with a rape scene that has a laugh track"

fvckaccounts makes a good point. But what audio is appropriate for a rape scene? Brian Adams? He's sort of raping your ears.

IMMINENT DOOM

5 Major Cities that are About to be Destroyed So yeah. Some of you may want to put your homes on the market.

Notable Comment:"Wow, Seattle destroyed by an earthquake? Has everyone forgotten about one of the northwest's greatest known landmarks: Mount Rainer? It is overdue for an eruption by over 700 years and due to its 'withering' condition, it's expected to implode instead of explode. With that will cause massive mud slides down the western valleys and cover Tacoma, Seattle, Bremerton, and so many other major cities in 40-60 feet of mud and debris. Seems a little silly to be worried about an earthquake on the Ring of Fire that most buildings are designed to withstand instead of a volcano on the Ring of Fire."

Homeskyllyt, we think complete denial is probably the best way to deal with your pesky "gigantic volcano" problem. It worked for Pompei.

HAXXED!

8 Things You Won't Believe can be Hacked What's that? You aren't feeling paranoid today? Cracked can help with that.

Notable Comment: "The day after this article comes out, the NY Daily News runs an article "Cars a Prime Target For Hackers: Report." Coincidence... Congratulations, Cracked, you are now considered a credible & reliable source."

We've always considered ourselves credible and reliable, noahwob. It's good the rest of the world is catching up.

ROBOLD!

The 7 Creepiest Old School Robots Don't read this one at night.

Notable Comment:"I'm glad my six year old self never got to read this article. I was pretty much terrified of pale-faced dolls, 18th century people and creepy harpsichord music. The Marie Antoinette doll manages to fit into all of those categories. *shivers*"

We can't close our eyes without seeing her face, Doe3000. We may never sleep again.

Natural Disastronauts

If Women's Medication Ads Gained Self-Awareness Just blame the doctors.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Flash Games Got Their Own Movie Adaptations We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Secret Pet Peeves of Famous Scientists, Creative New Uses for Obsolete Technology and Rejected Titles/Covers of Famous Books.