#3. Magneto Is a Free Man (For No Good Reason)
The first thing you need to know about the X-Men supervillain Magneto is that he's an elderly Holocaust survivor who can control metal (just accept this). The second thing you need to know is that he spent three films trying to kill the universe, only to be thwarted by the X-Men every time. At one point he is successfully imprisoned, but murders his way out using the powers of evil and metal manipulation so he can continue to wreak havoc.
And these weren't just rinky dinky Lex Luthor amateur show schemes, either. By the third movie, the guy is engineering a mutant terrorist army and tearing up the Golden Gate Bridge, because lord knows mutants are anything but subtle.
You could have just mutated yourself a boat, jackoff.
Once again, Magneto and the X-Men go to battle. And during the battle, Mag gets a taste of his own medicine, literally, because he gets injected with some mutant cure, which leaves him powerless. He escapes, the X-Men win, everybody's happy. We even see the Golden Gate Bridge, back to its original spot and being repaired as Angel, a winged mutant, flies above the San Francisco skyline ...
Probably should have just repaired it with concrete and plastic. Just to be safe.
A sullen-looking Magneto sits at a chessboard in the park with a case of the grumps.
Awwww ... he needs a hug. A justice hug.
So, the guy who tried to kill EVERY HUMAN IN THE WORLD is now free to wear a newsy cap and play strategy games in public spaces. Either this is a universe where the scales of justice don't even bother with the unmutated (in which case, hey Hitler, you could have saved that bullet!) or the greatest crimes against humanity are punished with unmitigated freedom and leisurely afternoons in the park.
Then there's the possibility that Magneto just didn't get caught -- that he didn't go through a court system at all, which is even worse. Look at him -- not only is he not disguised, he's IN THE SAME FUCKING CITY THAT HE JUST ATTACKED. Earlier we compared a scene to bin Laden walking into the CIA building, but this is actually worse -- this is bin Laden sitting in the middle of Central Park three months after 9/11, completely undisguised. Either because the authorities are that incompetent, or because he got crippled somehow and society said, "Eh, he can't do terrorism any more. Just let him be."
Never Forget ... Or Forget ... Whatever ...
#2. Indy = Aquaman?
Even with all the supernatural stuff we've come to expect from the Indiana Jones series, from the holy ark to magical stones to aliens, Indy himself is not supernatural. He's just a regular guy who's good with a whip and bad with snakes. Yet, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jones demonstrates that either he's got the blood of Poseidon running through his veins or he's actually a fish in human form. Don't know what we're talking about? We'll refresh your memory.
Indy and Marion have rescued the Ark of the Covenant, and they're just about to sail it to England on a steamer, when who should show up but the Nazis, as usual. The Nazis steal the ark, kidnap Marion and take off on their U-boat. Not one to take stealing-the-Holy-of-Holies-or-his-ex-girlfriend lightly, Jones stows away on the sub. And we mean "on" the sub, not "in" the sub -- he's riding on top of it.
Doing fucking pull-ups.
We are treated to a Nazi U-boat diving montage superimposed with the iconic Indiana Jones-style red line map animation showing the path of the U-boat as it travels from the middle of the Mediterranean and onto an island in the Aegean Sea. The sub is then seen docking on said island, and as the Nazis debark, we finally see our hero once more, soaking wet from the ride over but still as spry and macho as ever -- he even takes out two Nazis right off the bat. Way to go, Jones!
"Surveillance report: clear. Sneak mode: activated."
This is all especially impressive considering that right at that very moment our lively hero hasn't eaten, drank or breathed air in more than two goddamn days. Thanks to its signature map shot, this film just gave us a really clear idea as to what kind of trip this U-boat just took.
The red is the trail of blood Indy is leaving behind as kelp and fish cut into his skin.
See that? Right between Crete, Greece and its mainland. That map is so accurate that you can put it right up against Google Maps:
Bam! See that little legend in the bottom? You can see for yourself that the U-boat traveled roughly 500 miles to get where it was going. Also through the magic of modern technology we can tell you that a German U-boat such as the one in the film goes about 7.5 knots, which for you non-mariners out there is about 10 mph. That's a 50-hour ride, spent on top of the sub. So how did he do it?
The first thought would be that perhaps he somehow entered through a hatch and stowed away -- but considering that we last see him standing right on top of the bridge of the U-boat, any hatch would surely lead him to a room full of angry Germans. Also, good luck prying open a sealed hatch and not getting noticed. We're assuming those things lock pretty tight, you know, as not to let the ocean in.
Via Wikimedia Commons
It's the reason people are able to return home after riding in one.
So what? Did he just hang on? Actually, yes. As a deleted scene explains, Indy fucking latches himself onto the periscope via whip and then just kind of ... enjoys a 50-hour ride that may or may not involve drowning, dehydration or just dying from exposure and exhaustion. And when it's all over there he is, still standing, and ready to fight Nazis with his bare hands.
Here's them filming part of that scene while masking fits of muffled laughter.
Speaking of superheroes ...
#1. The Man Of Steel KILLS AN ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
Superman fans all remember those awful moments when Superman turned evil in Superman III. And if you don't, you're lucky. They were horrifying.
Two hours of him grabbing your sister's boobs and giving you wedgies is just too much.
But for most of Superman's existence, he's goodness personified ... or is he?
Case in point: the earthquake in the first Superman movie. Lex Luthor launches a missile that triggers an earthquake on the West Coast. So naturally, Superman races the fault line, attempting to save as many lives as he can. The first thing he does is save a school bus from nose-diving off of the Golden Gate Bridge. After that, he prevents a train from derailing by literally standing in for the train track.
The people who make his hair gel should design body armor.
After that, Superman takes the time to jet over to the Hoover Dam, which is near collapse. After saving some workers in the dam, Superman's next move is to rescue the increasingly annoying Jimmy Olsen from falling to his death. As he flies Jimmy to safety, the dam finally ruptures, spilling out an ocean of water heading straight for a neighborhood not too far away.
These future corpses.
Meanwhile, intrepid reporter/Superman boner-causer Lois Lane has run out of gas in the middle of the fault line. Hilarity ensues as Lois's car gets sucked into the ground and engulfed by dirt, burying her alive as she dies gasping for air.
It gets funnier every time we see it.
Unfortunately, at the exact same moment, Superman is busy with the dam disaster -- he's creating a giant rock dam to stop the wall of water that is rushing toward the panicked town below. After exerting all of his strength, he finally creates the barrier needed to save the countless lives.
Only after the town is saved does Superman finally fly to Lois's rescue, only to find out that he is too late. In a fit of rage, Superman flies up into the upper atmosphere.
In a bizarre attempt to fistfight God.
It's now that Superman gets an idea -- fuck time. In what is one of his most iconic moves, the Last Son of Krypton shoots as fast as he can around the planet Earth, somehow reversing the events that have just transpired. The wall of water flows backward into a repairing Hoover Dam, the earthquake destroys in reverse and Lois's car unburies itself in the ground.
Otherwise known as Xenos ex Machina.
Lois Lane sits in her recently broken-down car. Before she can be sucked into the ground, however, this time Superman is right there to help. He coolly flies in, helps her out of the car and engages in a cute conversation while simultaneously eye-fucking the shit out of her.
"Wait, why do you look four minutes older than you should?"
Just before he can make his move, in comes Jimmy Olsen, who thanks Superman for saving him from falling to his death. All is right again, and Superman flies off to go catch Lex Luthor and throw him in jail. YAY! Everyone lived! And by everyone we mean everyone who didn't live in that town that Superman just opted to drown.
It was, after all, the whole freaking point of why Superman couldn't save Lois; he had to choose the greater good over what was going on in his tights. So when Superman goes back in time to try it all again, he shows up right as Lois runs out of gas -- a sequence we previously saw happen just as a giant flood of water is rushing toward the town. It can only be logical that he is choosing to not save the town this time around. After all, he then spends the next few minutes where he is supposed to be straining to contain the flood with rocks chatting it up with Lois instead.
"By the way, there's one hell of a story just over those hills."
For more baffling plot points, check out 6 Plot Threads Famous Movies Forgot to Resolve and 8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see how many towns David Wong has destroyed.
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