#3. The Most Sarcastic Judge on Earth
"Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers ..."
The only conversations that start out this way are break-ups and firings, so when a judge uses this to begin his disposition, you can only assume that what follows is going to be rough.
"... who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston."
We're pretty sure that left a physical mark on their asses.
It would appear that Judge Samuel Kent had dealt with these clowns before and was thoroughly tired of their bullshit. Whatever these lawyers had done in the past, this case was clearly the final straw, and Kent's disapproval came pouring out in a scathing judicial opinion that will no doubt haunt them for the rest of their careers like a disenfranchised poltergeist.
"Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact -- complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words -- to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed."
We hate to steal from Friday, but DAAAAAAAMN!
"... the Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon -- Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff's briefing. But at the end of the day, even if you put a calico dress on it and call it Florence, a pig is still a pig .... It is well known around these parts that [Defendant's] lawyer is equally likable and has been writing crisply in ink since the second grade. Some old timers even spin yarns of an ability to type."
The case itself, by the way, turned out to be pointless -- it was finally determined that no suit could be filed at all because the plaintiff waited longer than two years to sue and exceeded the statute of limitations. Had either of the lawyers merely looked at a calendar, they could have both been spared several pages of condescending humiliation. And trust us, it goes on and on.
"Go ahead and clear your schedules, guys, because I'm not even close to finished."
"After this remarkably long walk on a short legal pier, having received no useful guidance whatever from either party, the Court has endeavored, primarily based upon its affection for both counsel, but also out of its own sense of morbid curiosity, to resolve what it perceived to be the legal issue presented. Despite the waste of perfectly good crayon seen in both parties' briefing (and the inexplicable odor of wet dog emanating from such) the Court believes it has satisfactorily resolved this matter."
#2. Judges Write Poems, Fantasy Epics
It would seem sometimes that certain judges missed their true calling in life and would rather be presiding over a community of like-minded introspective artistes, spreading their creative wings toward important new horizons of self-expression.
But dancing out the terms of a settlement is kind of hard.
These aspirations occasionally bleed through into their professional work, such as in this case about a truck crashing into a tree that garnered the following poetic ruling:
We thought that we would never see
A suit to compensate a tree.
A suit whose claim in tort is prest
Upon a mangled tree's behest;
A tree whose battered trunk was prest
Against a Chevy's crumpled crest;
A tree that faces each new day
With bark and limb in disarray;
A tree that may forever bear
A lasting need for tender care.
Flora lovers though we three,
We must uphold the court's decree.
He then turned himself to stone so he could be frozen in mid "Suck it" for all of eternity.
You might be saying, "So some goose-fucking insane judge wrote a poem once, big deal." And normally we would totally agree with you, but when it happens dozens of times with different judges in different jurisdictions, you start to wonder just how much of the judicial system is made up of creative-writing majors who had to go to law school when their parents quit paying their rent. Have a taste:
United States v. Batson, 782 F.2d 1307 (5th Cir. 1986)
Some farmers from Gaines had a plan.
It amounted to quite a big scam.
But the payments for cotton
began to smell rotten.
T'was a mugging of poor Uncle Sam ...
"The court finds you ... served."
United States v. One 1976 Ford F-150 Pickup, 599 F. Supp. 818
The defendant herein is a truck
The vehicle is a pick-up,
Alleged by a Fed
To be found in a bed
Of marijuana, caught in the muck.
Joe Hand Promotions v. Sports Page Caf, 940 F. Supp. 102 (D.N.J. 1996)
Defendants allegedly exhibited the match
In their respective taverns for their patrons to catch.
Plaintiff's complaint is based on that section
Installed in the Code for easy inspection
Which forbids such transmissions, recorded or live:
47 U.S.C. Section 605.
Oh, DAMN, would you like some side with those burns?
Mackensworth v. American Trading Transportation Co., 367 F. Supp. 373 (E.D. Pa. 1973)
The motion now before us has stirred up a terrible fuss.
And what is considerably worse,
It has spawned some preposterous doggerel verse.
We'll save you the trip to Google.
Some of these poems go on for over a page and, in case you forgot, are legally binding documents in our court system. And if all of this lunacy weren't enough, in the case of Vitaich v. City of Chicago the presiding judge decided poetry could suck his gavel and went straight Tolkien on everyone's ass:
"Around the witching hour our two princes crossed the threshold of the establishment into the moonless night. The princes and the palace's draughtsman exchanged vulgar calumnies as they left. Of a sudden, the princes were set upon by the three of the Dreaded Wearers of the Blue [i.e., police officers] known commonly as Cole, Ignowski and Ogliore. The princes suffered unmentionable tortures at the hands of these rabid beasts. Prince Vitaich attempted to escape on his trusty steed "Harley" but a masked Blue Wearer felled the steed, trapping Sir Vitaich (of Virginia) under it and causing him great pain and anguish."
Via San Antonio Law Review
They were sentenced to 1d20 months in jail.
#1. Man Sues Satan, God
Sometimes a lawsuit is so ridiculous it makes the judge want to climb the bench and hit the plaintiff with a sternum-crushing flying elbow like Macho Man Randy Savage.
Unfortunately, until someone invents a writ of You Motherfuckers Can't Be Serious (or its Latin equivalent), judges usually have to dismiss the crazies with the same calm sobriety they use in real, actual cases. Like in this case, when a man in Pennsylvania attempted to sue the Devil for infringing on his personal rights.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Oh, don't act like you didn't love it.
"We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district .... The plaintiff has failed to include ... instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process."
That's right, Satan has no address and hell does not fall within the jurisdiction of the State of Pennsylvania. That's the reason that the court was required to give for dismissing the lawsuit -- Satan couldn't be properly served. And to be fair, there probably aren't too many process servers that would make the trip to hell.
Via Wikimedia Commons
"Um, maybe just tack it to his door, huh Gary?"
Of course, the system can't play favorites, so when a Nebraska State Senator tried to sue God, ordering the Almighty to "cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats," the court had to dismiss the case on similar grounds, saying:
"... this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant."
Via Wikimedia Commons
Besides, God rarely associates with lawyers.