Cracked Round-Up: Burgled Edition
The Cracked Offices have been robbed. We're not sure how- maybe it was when Brockway left last night without locking the door, or maybe it had something to do with all those extra keys we sold during last month's yard sale. We lost everything. That carving of the Sphinx with dicks for paws, our collection of medieval torture racks, even those unregistered North Korean refugees who run our office foozball tournaments, all gone. If only we hadn't traded the surveillance system away for a crate of Big League Chew (also stolen).
Soren Bowie cooked our week off with an unprecedented look into the life of Taylor Swift, the last true rock star. Christina was next with a humbling list of the double standards we all share. Chris Bucholz wrote what may be the Internet's finest guide to fighting animals with a bicycle chain while Robert Brockway shone Cracked's spotlight on the most badass kids on earth. Luke McKinney took a look at sequels made by people who never saw the original as John Cheese explained why the computer repairman hates you. Dan O'Brien was last, with the 17 craziest tweets of Yoko Ono and one very...special dance video.
|
NATURAL FAKE
|
 15 Animals You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
In her wild, younger days, Mother Nature did just a ton of mescaline.
|
Notable Comment: "I WANT A MINIATURE HORSE! I mean, uh, I'm a mature and reasonable woman who is unaffected by EXTREME CUTENESS HOLY CRAP I NEED ONE RIGHT NOW."
CrazyMagnet will be found dead one day in a house filled with hundreds of tiny, starving horses.
|
HURT HEAD
|
 5 Mind-Blowing Scientific Answers to Life's Big Questions
Take this article with two aspirin.
|
Notable Comment: "The size of the brain does not mean anything. Dolphins have a very small brain, and yet look at what they do."
What do they do, Dereck? Fuck and swim?
|
LOW BARRIER TO ENTRY
|
 5 Movie Characters Who Were Wildly Unqualified for their Job
You want your doctor to have a degree, but the guy saving your planet doesn't even need a high school diploma.
|
Notable Comment: "A recurrent mistake when criticizing something in the Star Wars movies is to think that the whole story is what's shown in the movies."
JayR.Dott is absolutely right. Which is why we all fondly remember Citizen Kane for that chapter in the novelization where he fought off all those armored polar bears.
|
RIOT TIME
|
 The 5 Most Embarrassing Things Angry Mobs Have Rioted Over
The best reason to have a riot is any reason at all.
|
Notable Comment: "Proving once and for all that the deadliest creature on Earth is the rabid fan."
Doitforolgil has a fair point. Let's ship the fanboys over to Afganistan and tell them Al-Qaeda's been back-sassing George Lucas.
|
ARRRRRR!
|
 The 7 Most Terrifying Pirates from History
Hollywood has a lot to answer for. Orlando Bloom is less interesting than the guys who spit in these men's grog.
|
Notable Comment: "Jean Lafitte is my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Therefore I am technically a pirate.."
Abattoir, piracy isn't passed down through the blood. It's not a seat in Congress.
|
Jandrew Comedy
|
 Why Things Never Get Done in the Universe of Porn Movies
Don't order sausage.
|
|
YOU YOU YOU!
|
 The Unseen Drawbacks to Living in an Action Movie
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Video Game Deleted Scenes that Explain Everything, Ill-Advised Pieces of Movie Merchandise for Kids and Lessons You Wish School Had Taught You
|
Heh quoted me...the fools..
ReplyAlso, you really shouldn't choose the Lucas fanboys for that task. Most of them haven't been outside their parents basement since the Star Wars Christmas Special. At best they'll write a scathing series of comments across the internet about how 'Cracked isn't what it used to be'.
Dolphins can use tools. They also play soccer (with seaweed, of course).
ReplyHOLY s**t IM QUOTED IN A CRACKED ARTICLE!!!!!!!! I DEMAND YOU ALL BOW BEFORE YOUR MASTER!!!!!!!!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesALSO YES DOLPHINS ONLY EAT AND f**k AND SLEEP. THEY SOMETIMES f**k HUMANS. ID GET INTO DETAILS BUT IM SO DAMN EXCITED YOURE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT. SORRY!!!!!!!!
long live the master
Congratulation. I'm happy that your comment got posted in the Round-Ups, even thought it was just... no I'm not going to say anything. It's not like I'm totally green with envy or anything!
There isn't a misses Dereck, is there?
No worries. The things will probably be returned when they find out that it's either haunted or cursed, even both.
ReplyOr once they find out the sphinx also has a habit for telling dick jokes.
I say we find out who did it, but instead of turning them in- just start showing up at their house everyday and force them to entertain us with lists while we trade comments about them.