If movies are to be believed, hackers are mostly kept busy fighting the man with CGI animations of smiley faces, or else dwelling in the darkest corners of their mothers' basements and doing purely nerdy stuff that never affects the real world. But neither assumption is true: Hacking does not look like a rad skateboarder busting a kickflip over an onyx tower, and hackers do gain access to things that can affect your daily life ... and sometimes, even end it.
8Explode Your Genitals
We think we have a pretty good idea of what hackers are capable of: stealing your personal information, crashing your computer, Rollerblading like a sonofabitch and making out with Angelina Jolie (back when she was hot, before her alien DNA kicked in and she started looking like a hawk-monster).
But today's hackers have finally crossed a line, and must be terminated with extreme prejudice. The offense? They're trying to destroy your wang.
"The good news is that your leg is going to be fine ..."
The newest MacBooks contain batteries with small monitor chips installed. It's such a discreet addition that Apple didn't feel the need to secure it, which of course means that hackers everywhere had to immediately set to work exploiting it. It gets pretty technical, but the gist of the process is this: The software uses a default password, which is the same in every single MacBook. By reverse engineering the firmware, hackers can render the battery useless or inject malware into the system through the chip (and you couldn't even wipe your hard drive and reformat the system to get rid of it, because you probably won't think to check your battery for a virus).
"Is it enough to Sharpie 'Avira' onto them?"
Or, if they're feeling particularly villainous, they could just overheat the battery of your laptop (so named because it sits on top of your lap, which, you'll recall, is where you keep your junk) to the point of bursting into flames or exploding. That's right: Hackers are after your penis.
There is just no version of that sentence that is anything less than terrifying.
"Definitely that guy. You don't play a druid without repercussions."