When our pets one day inevitably rise up, they'll probably be pretty pissed about the whole neutering thing. And you can bet they'll remember those stupid outfits we made them wear. If that was the worst of it, they'd probably be willing to grant us the quick deaths we'll beg for. Unfortunately, we'll all be dying the slowest most humiliating deaths our pets can come up with, and know the whole time that we had it coming, thanks to stuff like ...
#6. Pet Plastic Surgery
So you underwent plastic surgery and are slowly coming to the realization that it wasn't your slightly longer than average toes that were making you unhappy. You could keep picking at the scab on your soul with even more plastic surgery, or you could realize that nothing you do to the outside of your body will fix what's bothering you ... because the problem is clearly your dog Rex's stupid looking face.
"Could you make him appear to be in a constant state of surprise?"
Cosmetic surgery for pets is becoming more and more readily available, and people who own dogs and silently weep themselves to sleep at night are jumping at the opportunity. In some cases, the surgery is medically warranted, due to infections in the wrinkles of melty-faced dogs, and breathing problems due to pug noses. Of course, these are often the exact wrinkles and smushy noses that have been artificially bred into the creatures for maximum cuteness. For instance, this sharpe's face looked like rumpled up laundry because humans thought it would be cute, and then those same humans had to operate on his face upon realizing that there's a reason evolution didn't invent Pound Puppies.
"My world is a sinus infection."
And then there are the times when the breed doesn't live up to the cosmetic features they're bred for, and they need to be fixed up so the neighbors will stop looking down on you. For instance, your Doberman's ears aren't as perky as you'd hoped? That's nothing a head clampin' can't fix:
"People won't take this hundred pound tooth-monster seriously without straight ears."
And then there are the procedures that are really difficult to justify. Namely, stuff like cosmetic facelifts and nose jobs, testicle implants and freaking Botox and Metacril injections. The origins of the trend can be traced back to the insanely competitive dog show circuit, where rumors of surgical appearance enhancement by certain owners have existed for years.
One puppy was facing the end of his show career due to a drooping ear, which would have been tragic for his creepy owner and absolutely nobody else. And then a vet in Brazil injected its ear with so much wrinkle remover that it stood straight up again. And everyone who wasn't the dog, and didn't have a soul, lived happily ever after.
"That's right, jump for it, you little bitch."
Some veterinarians have started openly advocating and advertising pet plastic surgery as totally safe and worth it, and information has started spreading even outside the usual suspects thanks to media coverage.
And that, dear reader, is how we came to live in a world where tummy tucks for cats are a thing (WARNING: Video offers definitive proof that we live in a horrible world).
#5. Make Up and Spas
As PETA is fond of reminding us, cosmetics and animals have a rather strained relationship. So it might surprise you to learn that cosmetics for animals are a booming business. Misguided pet owners can find perfectly ordinary pet shampoos, conditioners and other basics of dog grooming.
And then you find the corrector lipstick ...
... and nose dye ...
... to give your pets' nose and lips that extra black color that nobody but you will ever notice.
In case you think that webpage has to be a front for some secret animal testing conspiracy, there are plenty of others that offer stuff that's even stupider than that. For instance, Pawlish is a pet nail polish that must have been invented by a taxidermist, since that's the only way you're going to get an animal to sit still while you delicately paint its tender claws.
Unless you're The Beastmaster or a druid.
So now your pet is covered in pink nail polish because she wouldn't sit still while you stuffed cotton balls between her toes, and you're none too eager to clean her up since you've just been mauled by an animal with poisonous wet paint on her nails.
Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Fortunately, there are pet spas that will clean her up for you. Because the only thing your beloved pet likes more than strangers is strangers who try to give them baths. If you really want to show her what happens to bad kitties, there's the Japanese Washmatic-Kan, which is apparently aimed at pet owners who are tired of trying to get their pets to sit still on the roof of the car while sending it through the automated car wash. To get an idea of how pets feel about this innovation, combine your pet's heart stopping fear of vacuum cleaners and being left alone, and multiply it by the sound it makes when you try to give it a bath. Or you can just watch this cat turn into an insane hurricane the second the machine starts.
Good news for justifiably pissed-off cats everywhere: another version of the machine is making rounds in Europe that has a washing/drying program that lasts half an hour.
#4. Fur Dyes
Nothing here is photoshopped. In fact, using fur dyes to transform pets into the stars of rejected Trapper Keepers is apparently huge in China. And while Westerners gawk in horror at Asia's more liberal stance toward eating dogs and cats, it turns out that's just because pets aren't that cute when deep fried. When it comes to potentially adorable pet abuse, it turns out we're much more forgiving, judging from all the different colors of pet fur dye being marketed as a "trendy new way to get your pet noticed."
Via Daily Mail
"Shake! Speak! Pray for death!"
And it is abuse. Pet dyeing is difficult and dangerous as hell. Veterinarians tend to strongly advise against home dyeing, because CTFA approved, completely safe dyes are so rare that they aren't actually available in America. Part of the problem is that it's difficult to get animals not to lick the foreign substance their trusted caregivers just rubbed all over their bodies. And one lick later, well, you'd better have the vet who told you not to do it in the first place on speed dial.
Via Daily Mail
Even if your pet manages to survive your attempt to turn them "Magic Purple," you might get them jumped at the dog park, since bright colors are essentially nature's prison tattoos. According to animal behavioral expert Clara Guest, it's very possible that vivid, unnatural coloring affects the way other animals react to them. In nature, bright colors and color patterns often naturally evolve to communicate certain messages to other animals. For instance, many poisonous snakes are believed to be brightly colored to warn predators not to fuck with them. While it may make your dog look like a pussy to humans, as far as the other dogs at the dog park are concerned, your dog just rolled into San Quentin with a chest full of white power tats.
Yep, that dog looks completely comfortable.