12 Great Parenting Products for Traumatizing Your Baby

#6. Walking Wings

Walking Wings

The idea behind Walking Wings is simple: kids are short, parents are tall, why not connect the two with some marionette straps? It's like combining all the creepiness of Geppetto with all the hilarity of an 'N Sync video. While you're at it, you might as well make your kid do a little jig for your own amusement. Or better yet, kill someone, since you've clearly got the closest thing humanity will ever see to the Imperius Curse right there in your hands.

Walking Wings
Babies can't do anything right.

Of course, we get that there might be some parents out there with bad backs or gigantism or T-rex arms, but here's the thing: The window of time when a kid is strong enough to stand but not stable enough to walk alone is really small, a few months at most. The indignity of turning your kid into Pinocchio is forever.

Walking Wings
He'll have all the confidence and independence of a sled dog.

#5. The Woogie

Griffin

As most moms today will gladly tell you, one of the best ways to shut your kid up is to hand her your iPhone. Kids LOVE those things. Unfortunately, iPhones don't come cheap, nor do they work so well after being sucked, bitten, smeared with grape jelly and farted on repeatedly, which is what we presume happens every time you hand an iPhone to a kid.

Griffin
"Somehow I have to get jelly in here."

Enter the Woogie, half stuffed animal, half protective pouch, all electronic babysitter. Your iPhone fits snugly inside, safe and sound, and there's a screen protector to keep sticky little fingers off. And, if your little princess is too young to hold it herself, the Woogie's legs will prop it up. Balance it in her lap, put Sesame Street or some shit on there and grab a few precious moments to go out and get a latte or whatever.

Griffin
"The kid's been parented. Let's go drink."

Never mind the haters who suggest you might be introducing gadgets at too young an age or should be actually interacting with your child. They're probably just jealous that your iPhone does a better job of parenting than they do. Idiots.

#4. Jolly Jumper Bumper Bonnet Toddler Head Cushion

Amazon.com

Let's make this clear right off the bat: This isn't some kind of special head-shaping helmet or protection for seizure-prone noggins. This piece of headwear is for the everyday rough and tumble toddler lifestyle.

Even the few parents who reviewed the helmet are aware of its stupidity:

"I only use it around the house because it looks a little rediculas in public."

Jolly Jumper
"Rediculas" indeed.

See? Even the mom who doesn't know how to spell "ridiculous" knows the helmet is ridiculous, since anyone who has spent 15 minutes around a toddler knows they're basically made of rubber. So, no, you do not need to spend $15 on this thing, unless you want a photographic explanation for why they put you in the bad nursing home 50 years later.

#3. Screen Time Manager

Hopscotch Technology

For parents who are really worried about how much television time their child is getting, but also too disinterested to monitor it themselves, the BOB Screen Time Manager is a godsend. You hook it up to the TV and set the timer, and when the time runs out, BOB cuts the power.

The layers of sadness on this device go further down that we can dig. It's for parents who 1) have the kind of money to blow $63 on a frivolous gadget that a tenth of a second of actual parenting could do for free and 2) plan their lives around never being in the same room as their child.

Family Safe Media
"Finally, a machine to raise my child for me!"

No, this is not for the parent who fell asleep on the sofa while the kid was watching Yo Gabba Gabba! and feels guilty about it. This is for the parent who plans to do it many more times in the future, and thus needs special equipment to accommodate those plans.

#2. Em's 4 Bubs Baby Earmuffs

Amazon.com

Are you married to a rock star or a Nascar driver or a professional football player? Are you Gwyneth Paltrow?

Getty

If your or your spouse's livelihood depends on surrounding your newborn with loud, eardrum-busting noises, then, by all means, get yourself some infant sized earphones. If you're a guerrilla warfare combatant who just had a baby, for example, these earmuffs will go a long way toward protecting your future terrorist's precious hearing.

For everyone else, here's a thought: How about you just NOT bring your baby to concerts, car races and loud sporting events? At least not until he's big enough for the toddler sized earmuffs. Jeez.

Ear Muffs for Kid
That baby looks ready to cut someone.

#1. Kami Kami Bite Counter

Nitto Kagaku Corp

No list of ridiculous products would be complete without something from Japan, right? And since the Americans have cornered the market on WTF toilet training tools, the Japanese thought they'd start in on WTF mouth ... training ... tools?

Nitto Kagaku Corp
She smiles, but you can see the fear in her eyes.

The Kami Kami sensor hooks over the child's ears and under the jaw and tallies the number of bites taken, and then displays the numbers on a screen shaped like a fish. (Because a fish shape makes even the horrifying fun!) It also makes a noise after every 30 and 1,000 bites, supposedly for motivation, but we suspect it's really to mask the sound of the child sobbing.

It comes in versions both for preschoolers and middle schoolers, so even if you missed out on establishing OCD in your 4-year-old, you can catch up once she's old enough to know true shame.

Nitto Kagaku Corp
Coming soon in high school sizes, for parents who really hate their kids.

For more products that shouldn't exist, check out 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants and 9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor.

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