#3. Olive Baboons Are Kind of Dicks
First things first: an olive baboon is a monkey. Quick -- what do monkeys eat? You thought "bananas," didn't you? Everyone thinks it's bananas.
She thinks she's people!
Olive baboons -- like all monkeys -- are actually opportunistic omnivores. That means they eat whatever they think looks delicious. This is usually just grass and plants and stuff. In fact, baboons are known to peacefully graze next to gazelles. But every once in a while, like a man forced to subsist on salad for too long, they decide enough is enough and they want some meat right damn now. And that's when their peaceful co-existence with the rest of the world ends.
Those gazelles the olive baboon likes to hang out with? They do double duty as fluffy animal friends and a snack cabinet. At any given moment, a baboon may decide he wants him some gazelle. So he nonchalantly walks up to the grazing gazelles, pretending to be uninterested and doing whatever the baboon equivalent of whistling is. Then he just suddenly bolts at whatever looks like it runs away the slowest. Yes, of course this is usually a baby gazelle.
Once the baboon catches the African Bambi, he unceremoniously kills it by beating and biting it. Then he holds it in his hands like a watermelon wedge, munching on its sweet, sweet insides.
Occasionally, olive baboons wake up and find that their home has been invaded by a bunch of flamingos, a "bunch" in this case meaning "up to four freaking million." Just as with the gazelles, the baboons are happy to sit and eat berries with them. Then, completely at random, they just charge the boundless sea of flamingos head-first, giving zero thought about the fact that they're outnumbered four million to one.
"Don't mind me, I'm just a fellow flamingo, and -- MONKEYPUNCH!"
The baboons jump into the fray with the exact same gusto monkeys apply to pretty much everything -- as running, leaping, screeching, shit-stained monsters, screaming at the very top of their voices. They tear through the flamingo flock, grabbing birds left and right the by the legs and throat, and crush the heads with their teeth. They then eat their prey, feathers and all. In fact -- they eat the feathers first, apparently just because they've heard of the phrase "apeshit crazy" and are making an argument for broadening it a bit.
#2. Leopard Seals Eat Penguin Heads
Via Robin Muench
Seals? Seals? No fucking way. Seals are the cutest, sweetest, most adorably helpless-looking things ever. There's no way in hell seals could ever be anything but cuddly tubs of lard. They just eat fish, right?
That assumption goes right out the window when the leopard seal opens its mouth and you find out it's part dinosaur.
Via Wikimedia Commons
OK, all dinosaur.
Sure, all pinnipeds, including seals, are carnivorous. But whereas all other seals eat fish and other cold-blooded animals, leopard seals are one of the top predators of the whole Antarctic. As such, they have a taste for warm-blooded animals. They'll take an occasional fish or squid, sure. But they'd rather snack on fellow seals.
Even more disturbing is their tastes for birds. They'll happily catch an occasional duck or some other seabird. But their favorite is penguins.
Via Daily Mail
"Hmmm. This looks like a safe, seal-free place to relax."
OH DEAR GOD!
After it catches its prey, the seal slaps the penguin across the surface of the water to skin it before eating it. Or, if it's feeling particularly merciful, just bites off its head. There are pictures of this if you don't believe us. No, we're not going to show you one.
#1. Cape Buffalo Are Remorseless Machines of Vengeance
The Cape buffalo is a large herbivore that roams the African grasslands. Its most distinctive feature is its fused horns, which form a solid bone shield across the forehead and look not unlike a Wild West bartender's haircut. Cape buffalo spend most of their day lying around, eating grass and drinking water. You know, normal cow stuff. That cows do. Because they're cows.
"Moo, I suppose."
They also fucking murder everything that even thinks of messing with them.
The Cape buffalo has many names. Names such as "Black Death" and "Widowmaker." It is, in fact, the most dangerous member of the "Big Five" of Africa. The other four members? Lion, leopard, rhino and elephant. This means Cape buffalo are officially deadlier than two big cat predators, a notoriously grumpy horned monster and the largest goddamn land mammal on Earth. Hell, even lions usually dare only attack old or sick ones, far from the herd.
Holy crap, it has murder in its FUCKING EYES!
A Cape buffalo weighs up to 2,000 lbs., and its stupid-looking horn helmet is actually a handy combination battering ram/impaler. The Cape buffalo is also, apparently, capable of recognizing the concept of vengeance, and definitely the only animal in existence to downright cherish it.
"Alright. On the count of three, let's wreck their shit."
Cape buffalo can -- and do -- seek revenge against their main enemies, lions -- especially those that kill a calf. Should a lion make that mistake, they come for it with a mob that can contain up to a thousand pissed-off Cape buffalo. In fact, because some lion has surely killed a cape buffalo at some point, they make a point of actively attacking lion prides, either as pre-emptive strikes or, more likely, just to show them who's the boss.
And if a calf is in distress, every member of the herd immediately comes. A bit like this:
If you didn't watch the video, let us recap: a young Cape buffalo is attacked by lions. Then, by a crocodile. Then, the lions and the crocodile play tug-of-war with it for a bit. At which point an entire Cape buffalo herd shows up and gives the predators the beating of a lifetime, sending actual goddamn lions flying through the air, cartoon-style. And the young buffalo, the one two species of vicious predators were doing their very best to kill? It survives.
That's the cat doing wicked involuntary flips.
Attempts to domesticate these murder-cows have been made. They have, unsurprisingly, failed spectacularly. So, as the next most misguided move, we hunt them. As a direct result, more big game hunters are downed by Cape buffalo per year than by any other African animal.
This is largely because the Cape buffalo is a huge believer in offense as the best defense, and in complicated revenge schemes as the best offense. If you shoot one but fail to deliver a kill shot, it will receive an adrenaline boost that makes it oblivious to pain. After that, it will make its mission in life to straight up murder you no matter what. Even if you manage to escape the initial attack, the wounded animal will stalk you, circling around, just waiting for a chance to strike. Shit. Maybe you can try shooting it again? Feel free -- that silly-looking fused-together mass of bone on their foreheads is effectively bulletproof. And the bulk behind it is currently coming at you fast from those nearby bushes like an unholy, steaming, screeching lovechild of Predator and the Hulk.
You'd better hope he thinks those cats shot him.
All in all, we're pretty sure that the only reason aliens haven't attacked Earth yet is because they know they would eventually have to deal with the Cape buffalo.
For more animals not to judge by appearance, check out The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe) and 5 Lovable Animals You Didn't Know Are Secretly Terrifying.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see a giraffe dropkicking a rhino.
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