#3. No-Diaper Pooping
Sick of the ridiculous costs of diapers? A little simple math reveals that the average yearly cost of using disposable diapers is a whopping $2,577.35. That's just entirely too much of the midlife crisis whores-and-coke fund going down the poop chute, if you ask us.
If you stop feeding your baby, the problem is solved!
Well, elimination communication is the answer. This is where you use "timing, signals, cues and intuition" to figure out when you need to hold your baby over a cup before getting covered in all their pees and poops. Considering "signals" and "cues" are kind of actually the same thing, what's really going to happen is you're going to end up saying "Is that a poop-squint or an 'I'm too stupid to know how to smile' squint?", "How long has it been since my baby last shit all over me?" and "What does my gut say I should do?"
"Hold the child over a nettle patch? Sure, I can do that."
This can only end with parent and child in a daylong death-match staring contest, holding the kid over a bowl, willing it to shit.
"Your clean shirt looks like a much better place to poop."
But as long as you're willing to risk the inevitable conclusion of going naked all the time with a pooping baby in one hand and an adult-sized box of wipes in the other, here's where you can buy some plastic cups to duct-tape to your baby's rump.
Diaper Free Baby
Just like nature intended.
Because this is waaaay easier than just buying some diapers, obviously.
#2. Raising Kids to Be Androgynous
Far be it from us to criticize parents who let their boys dress like girls or let their daughters pee standing up. Who are we to judge? But it's one thing to let your boys assert their personalities through sequined corsets or whatever; it's altogether different when you keep the world in the dark on the very first thing anybody ever notices about a person, ever. And that's exactly what parents Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have decided to do with their son/daughter Storm. The only people who are in on Storm's private parts are its parents and its brothers, Kio and Jazz, who are probably more concerned with getting their parental emancipation documents in order than protecting the gender identity of their sibling.
The whole thing is just morally bankrupt. Calling the kid Storm, we mean.
The idea, according to the parents, is to see what happens when no one knows what their kid is. The child will know, obviously, unless they plan on sticking a blindfold on it and hope for the best every time nature calls. In other words, these parents are conducting a social experiment with their baby. And that's not the worst part. The worst part is that its big brothers are sworn to secrecy over the baby's sex, as if letting a child conform to gender stereotypes is morally repugnant, yet asking a toddler to keep a family secret locked deep down inside him is totally healthy.
"Be proud of who you are! But hide your sex from the entire world."
If this were just the story of one whack family, we'd chalk it up to Canadian weirdness and let it go. But apparently not assigning genders to little people is catching on in other places as well. A whole other couple is doing the same thing with their little it in Sweden. Speaking of Sweden, one Swedish preschool prohibits students from addressing classmates with the pronouns "him" or "her," instead opting to call everyone "friend." As in "Where is Elsa? Have you seen friend?" Imagine trying to get through your work day talking like that and not sounding like Tonto.
Or a Telletubby.
Fairy tales that promote gender stereotypes are as out the door as last year's IKEA catalog, as well. And it's a good thing. For too long the Swedes have walked around thinking dragons kidnap princesses and giants live on beanstalks and calling someone a "she" or "her" is just as bad as calling someone a bitch. This should clear things up right away.
#1. Umbilical Nonseverance (Lotus Birth)
WARNING: THIS IS GROSS.
For those of you who really want to have a baby, but are also really into slasher movies, lotus birth might be for you. A lotus birth is the act of keeping the placenta attached after birth and letting it naturally fall off over the next few days. Some do this because they believe the "aura" of the child is still connected to the placenta, and as the placenta dies and falls off, that aura comes back to the child. Which sounds sort of like an adorable spirit blanket for newborns, until you realize what you're going to be dealing with while you're changing diapers and generally just trying to get through life:
Imagine trying to change your baby's diaper while it was still attached to what ultimately looks like a Jell-O/meat/blood casserole. Better yet, imagine trying to nurse it. The cord is so short that the vomit disc would have to sit on your lap. Still, it's a belief, and we're not here to point fingers and laugh at beliefs.
Probably because we're busy holding onto our lunch.
However, we will point fingers and laugh at people who do it to emulate American pioneers, who, according to them, "produced some of the hardiest children known in American history." They totally practiced lotus birth like all the time, guys. Never mind that the infant mortality rate in 1850 was 216.8 per 1,000, while in 2000, that number had dropped to 5.
Children today are too lazy to do hard labor.
Also, do we even need to say that carrying around a load of dead flesh for a few days stinks like you've been carrying around a load of dead flesh for a few days? That's OK, though, because practitioners have got that covered, man. Just rub some sea salt and lavender all up into that baby and ... well, you have a load of dead flesh that smells like it washed up on the beach of a hippie commune.
Those bags also come in Che Guevara and pot leaf designs.
And just in case you're still considering it, consider the words of Patrick O'Brien, spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists: "If left for a period of time after the birth, there is a risk of infection in the placenta which can consequently spread to the baby. The placenta is particularly prone to infection as it contains blood. At the post-delivery stage, it has no circulation and is essentially dead tissue." So, there you have it. For people who really want to give their baby a spiritual yet infectious edge, lotus birth is your dream come true.
For more shitty parenting techniques, check out 8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children and 7 Things 'Good Parents' Do (That Screw Up Kids For Life).
And stop by LinkSTORM to invent your own crazy parenting trend.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!