#3. Reaching Out to the Kids With the Rap Music
Remember back in the '80s when all you needed to pass as a rapper was a pair of dark sunglasses, some gold chains and untied Adidas? Of course you don't, because even then everyone knew the difference between a real rapper and an idiot wearing his mom's jewelry. But that didn't stop corporations, football players and the Pillsbury Doughboy from hopping on the rap wagon to sell their wares, which was one reason why the '80s were a hilarious yet horrifying time.
Oddly enough, "making terrible music" is nowhere on that poster.
The Corporate Gesture:
Meet Abu Mansoor al-Amriki, the Alabama-born jihadi rapper.
Via ABC News
Settle down, ladies.
Through the power of ill rhymes, dope beats and droning, whispery mumbles that kind of rhyme if you're pretty forgiving in your definition of the word "rhyme," al-Amriki is trying to recruit young Muslims to the cause of jihad. Before you give Alabama Abu a listen, try to picture what would happen if William Hung and Kanye West's non-auto-tuned singing voice had a baby, and then left that baby on a hillside to die of exposure. Don't say we didn't warn you.
"Are you ready to rock? Wait, tone it down -- I abhor enthusiasm."
Over the years, al-Amriki has rapped about slaughtering crusaders, destroying 'copters and his eventual martyrdom, all in the hopes of luring sympathetic believers to jihad. Here are some lyrics, in case you want to get them tattooed on your forearm:
"Send me a cruise like Maa'lam Adam al Ansari
And send me a couple of tons like Zarqawi
Send me four and send me more, that's what I implore.
An amazing martyrdom is what I strive for and adore."
It's like Rappin' Fats Piscopo all over again.
In "Make Jihad With Me," al-Amriki does his best impression of Barry White, singing about wiping Israel off the globe and how he can't get enough of your love, baby. Whether or not he's actually won anyone over with his mumble-raps is a mystery. All we know is that this '80s-born American should have learned the "Rap Is Not an Effective Marketing Tool" lesson years ago.
#2. Printing Glossy Magazines
If you've noticed a theme by this point, it's that al-Qaeda must be running low on membership. That's why they're making all these weird compromises. But there's one thing missing from al-Qaeda's attempt to reach the modern world with modern tactics: coffee table magazines. Glossy, inspirational publications with tons of loose subscription cards that fall out every time you turn a page.
The Corporate Gesture:
Enter Inspire, Al Qaida's first Web magazine written in English. Links to the archived first edition warn of a possible virus, so we won't provide it here, but if you want to find the magazine yourself, feel free. Just remember: If the FBI asks where you heard about Inspire, the answer is "Not Cracked."
Inspire's first issue includes the articles "What to Expect in Jihad (Part 1)," "The Cartoon Crusade," which we hope is a comic strip about the humor in daily jihadist life, and "The Way to Save the Earth," a message from Osama bin Laden about the threat of global warming. That was not a joke.
"Remember, kids -- recycle. Or I will kill everyone in your entire country."
Another article is "Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom," which almost sounds like lyrics to an al-Amriki joint. Follow their instructions and you get some sweet, delicious bombs. After Inspire was published, British intelligence hacked the site and decided the only reasonable thing to do with terrorists is to mess with them. In fact, they replaced the bomb-making recipe with recipes for mojito and rocky road cupcakes endorsed by Ellen DeGeneres. Why? We already told you, the whole point was to screw with them.
What we wouldn't give to see them do that to their entire site, forever.
If the male-centric Inspire is off-putting to you ladies, don't worry. al-Qaeda has you in mind as well. Inspire was followed by Al-Shamikha, a magazine for women all about how to land the perfect mujahideen. For those looking to maintain a perfect complexion, look no further: Stay inside with your face covered, only go outside if necessary and while out, wear a niqab for sun protection. For that extra step, Al-Shamikha explains the good and bad of honey face masks and warns readers not to towel too hard. We all know how hard it is to wage jihad with dry skin.
#1. Responding to Attacks Like a Talk-Show Pundit
Turn on a cable news channel and you'll probably see a pundit bitching about what someone else said. Flip to another channel, and someone is bitching about what the pundit just said. Over the course of several days they'll go back and forth until their argument devolves into stupid bullshit and they both give up and find something new to fight about. If Ann Coulter is involved, the argument starts in the stupid bullshit stage and stays there. What you don't usually see are representatives from terrorist organizations going mano a mano with talking heads because, one, they're terrorists, not talkerists, and two, just showing up at a studio would lead to an arrest, we're guessing.
"We won! Good debate, everyone!"
Which was why everyone was a little surprised when CNN contributors Fareed Zakaria and Peter Bergen wrote articles claiming the Arab revolts were the end of al-Qaeda, and al-Qaeda felt the need to respond. Not with violence or anything; they just wanted everyone to know CNN writers were stupid.
The Corporate Gesture:
Anwar al-Awlaki, a leader of al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula, responded in the fifth edition of Inspire with an article titled "The Tsunami of Change." And even though his arguments pretty much amounted to 1,000 words of "IS NOT!" to the CNN writers' "IS TOO!" it was still a better retort than, say, a bombing.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Or a power bombing.
The surprising part is how much al-Awlaki's responses sound like the rhetoric we hear between the left and the right of our own country. When CNN commentator Fareed Zakaria claimed that revolts for democracy are contrary to al-Qaeda's goals, al-Awlaki simply answered that everyone should "know very well that the opposite is the case."
He went on to another writer's article, saying that although Bergen was a "so-called expert," he was totally wrong, and that Islamic regimes will replace the dictators, duuuuh. Why would protesters fighting for democracy install a new despotic regime? Al-Awlaki doesn't say, because much like other pundits on television, he's operating with fifth-grade logic. Especially when he criticized YouTube for removing his videos, because everyone knows those were just about to go viral.
Trust us, it was hilarious.
Still, as much as we like to make fun, we'll once again assert that we'll take a talking head over a suicide bomber any day.
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For more on corporations, check out The 5 Most Horrifying Things Corporations Are Taking Over and 6 Global Corporations Started by Their Founder's Shitty Luck.
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