6 Companies That Are Clearly Catering to Supervillains

#3. Your Very Own Private Island

Mfwills

So, where to locate your lair?

You could, of course, take the easy route and just purchase a couple of hundred acres of land out in the middle of nowhere, like inside a volcano. But that might have the undesirable side effect of leaving you under the watchful eye of a government that might get suspicious when you start hauling in truckloads of death ray components.

Private Islands Online
Above: Death ray paradise.

What you need is an island. They're private, they're naturally defensible and they have a long history of successful use in evil antics. And you can buy one from the comfort of your own home.

Private Islands Online is a company that specializes in selling, you guessed it, private islands. They offer land masses of all shapes and sizes, from the modest Live Oaks Island ($3,400,000) in Florida to the just-bring-your-own-doomsday-device luxury of Denmark's King's Island ($9,500,000), complete with a royal castle with a whopping 200 rooms. Upon purchasing, they don't just throw you the keys to your new island and sail away laughing, either -- no, they go the full nine yards, offering tips for island living, articles on shaping your surroundings and even a goddamn forum.

Private Islands Magazine
"Yeah, I guess it's a pretty nice castle island. The sockets are all weird and European, though."

With islands for sale literally everywhere in the world, Private Islands Online are the go-to guys for finding that perfect corner of the world to build a lair and train your army without having to deal with inconveniently nagging authorities. Sure, you're still technically a part of someone else's country and thus may not actually be able to make your own laws, but let's see anyone stop you from enforcing them.

Of course we're not flat-out accusing the company of marketing to privacy-seeking supervillains. It's not like their privacy policy says stuff like "We will only retain personal information as long as necessary for the fulfillment of those purposes."

Private Islands Online
"We have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy for submarine bases."

Oh wait, it totally does.

Well, but it's not like they supply you with a personal army or anything. Fortunately...

#2. You Can Hire Your Own Personal Army

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All of those gun-toting dudes in jumpsuits that every James Bond villain has staffing his lair -- those guys are just a Hollywood invention, right? In the real world, surely there are safeguards and regulations in place to prevent a random someone from creating and forming a private army that is only loyal to the one who signs their paychecks?

Sure, there is. But there is nothing whatsoever to stop you from hiring an existing army.

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"Akembe, you'll play my druid. Giles and Crosby are the rogues."

Today's private armies are often used by governments to circumvent their own army's policies to do all that inconveniently bullyish stuff armies sometimes do, yet enabling the politicians to spread their arms and act innocent about it because hey, it's not our boys.

Most private military companies, which have stereotypical villain organization names like DynCorp ("We Serve Today for a Better Tomorrow!") and Xe Services ("We Used to Be Called Blackwater and Hope Like Hell That No One Notices!"), operate only in order to support existing governments with internal security issues like border enforcement, protective details and weapon system maintenance and management. Says them.


The logo of a completely trustworthy company.

In reality, give them enough money and they're yours. It's not cheap -- DynCorp, for instance, takes roughly $950 per hired gun per day -- but it's totally possible. And what you get isn't just grunts, either: Modern armies for hire offer the total package, from IT to intelligence to goddamn aerial operations. And, considering all the scandals they're involved in wherever they operate, wearing silly helmets with your insignia on them while guarding your base against the Justice League is definitely not going to present a moral problem to them.

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For an extra $150 per day, they'll even dress like Stormtroopers.

#1. There Is a Lawyer Who Specializes in Defending Supervillains

A good supervillain always plans ahead, and the possibility of getting captured and facing trial should be no exception. Of course, your first instinct is and should be to give the judge a melodramatic monologue and escape through the roof, gassing the courtroom as you go. But assuming this is not an option, it's always a smart move to have a backup plan, because when Navy SEALs drag you away and lock you up in that plastic transparent cage in the middle of the room, you'd better be damn sure about who you're going to make your phone call to.


"What do you mean he's dead?"

Naturally, you've had the foresight to get a really, really good lawyer on your speed dial -- but who? Your crimes, after all, are so absolutely heinous and revolting even lawyers get queasy in your presence ...

... except, of course, for one man. A lawyer so badass he has actual pseudo-villain nicknames of his own, such as "The Brilliant Bastard" and, no kidding, "Devil's Advocate." His clients have included Klaus Barbie, Carlos the Jackal, the Serbian dictator Slobodan Milosevic and the dude who used to lead the Khmer Rouge. The one time his monster-of-the-week client happened to be female ... he married her.

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She's better looking than Milosevic, but he's the better lay.

Jacques Verges is, apparently, deeply fascinated by what most people would call "evil" but he refers to as "fuck yeah." He's 86 at the moment, granted, but seems to just up his ante with age -- recently, he was pretty much the only man in existence who wanted anything to do with defending Saddam, and went down on record by saying he'd totally have defended Hitler if given the chance.

Verges is an extremely moral-free man, even by notoriously flexible lawyer standards, who not only carved a career out of defending the dregs of humanity, but downright revels in it. He happily starred in movies about his villainous career and gave interviews where he discussed his courtroom-destroying special lawyer move called the Rupture Strategy. That "Brilliant Bastard" nickname we mentioned? That's the title he gave to his autobiography. He even refers to his courtroom opponents as "mindless fools" who stupidly oppose him.

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You just know that at some point, this man has killed someone with a laser.

Of course, he's not the guy you'd use to dispute the ticket you received for double parking your murder-rocket. Jury trials should also be avoided -- it's likely that, by now, all judges and juries in the world will instantly assume that any client of Verges has secretly murdered an entire country, or will if given the chance.

However, if you're arrested for trying to create a new land mass in the Atlantic Ocean or trying to hijack the world's gold supply, Verges is more than the man for the job. Really, the only problem you should have with him is that his evil laugh is probably more menacing than yours.

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There's really no "probably" about it.

And learn to become the bad guy with 6 Web How-To's That Are Apparently For Supervillains and 6 Incredible Real-World Supervillain Lairs.

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