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6 Companies That Are Clearly Catering to Supervillains

Becoming a full-fledged supervillain is not something that happens overnight. It takes years or even decades of meticulous planning, resource accumulation and controlled scheming.

Or, you know, just a large expense account and a grocery list. After all, thanks to the magic of the free market ...

#6. There Are Companies That Sell Sexy Female Bodyguards

Obviously if you're going to get into the supervillain game, you need a team of highly trained bodyguards/ninjas around you at all times. They'll provide the last line of defense at the climactic fight scene, after all. The problem with real bodyguards, however, is that they tend to look like this:

Getty
"Hilarious one-liners are extra."

And you'd be looking at that mug all. The damn. Day. That's not how you roll -- you need something more sophisticated. You need an entourage of (preferably sexy) women who'll spin-kick the first tuxedo-wearing spy who comes along. You need look no further than the Athena Academy.

Athena Academy

They specialize in providing top-of-the-line protection from highly trained female bodyguards, with offices in the U.S. and Greece providing female "close protection operatives." If you are already surrounded by women and want to train them up to be bodyguards, Athena will happily do the training.

Athena Academy
They'll even teach you how to avoid breaking your neck on a stool.

And business is booming -- in certain social circles, like the Russian money crowd and the Third World despot clique, you're nobody if you don't have a Kill Bill-esque team of karate women around you at all times. For instance, a certain Muammar Gaddafi had been known to travel with an entourage of female bodyguards before his current, um, difficulties. Hell, even the British monarchy employs them.

Getty
He may be a butcher, but the man has excellent taste in berets.

#5. There Is an Open Market for Doomsday Weapons

A craftsman is only as good as his tools, and taking over the world requires some top-of-the-line death machines. But it's not like you can just pick up world-conquering gadgetry at some public market.

Getty
"Aisle 5, next to the napalm."

Oh, wait. You totally can. You just need a ticket to the Eurosatory convention in Paris, where the real Tony Starks of the world unveil their newest means of "keeping the peace."

Private military and defense contractors from all over the world converge every two years at the convention for networking, panel discussions and product demonstrations. Yes, it's exactly what you're picturing.

MIC & Associates

Eurosatory 2012

Eurosatory 2012
"No, it's cool. That guy I shot was just a journalist."

And, yes, you can totally get in on the action. Just fill out the pre-registration form and wait for your admission pass. While technically this is an invitation-only event, "invitation only" is a flexible term and invitations can be and have been scored by just random guys.

European Security and Defense
"Hey, Scott, it's like one of those things from Terminator!"

Can you hop into one of their futuristic Halo-type armored buggies and take it for a spin in the parking lot? How do you know if you don't ask?

Defense Talk
And, more importantly, don't you owe it to yourself to try?

Can you pick up machine guns and point them around and make shooting sounds with your mouth? Hell, why would this even exist if not?

Defense Talk
"Guys, check it out! I'm committing a war crime."

Honey, go get us a cart!

#4. You Can Order Custom Underground Command Centers

Hardened Structures

When beginning your supervillain career, the first must-have item is not a suitably evil alias, nor a white cat to stroke, nor even your very own doomsday device. Without a proper supervillain lair, those things will make you little more than just a particularly confused crazy cat lady. That's a problem -- very few supervillains are architects themselves, and it's kind of difficult to hire one that won't call 911 when you include phrases like "James Bond-proof" in your specifications. If only there was someone out there capable of handling such a project without asking all those pesky questions ...

Hardened Structures
"Oh yeah, that giant armored tower in a subdivision isn't at all unsettling."

Which brings us to Hardened Structures, a construction company consisting of not only engineers and physicists, but also goddamn future-scanning analysts and ex-Navy SEALs. Their whole modus operandi seems to be "We build suspicious stuff for money and never ever ask why." On the outside, their operation seems to be that of your average bomb shelter manufacturer -- until you start catching hints of something that goes beyond mere business. For instance, their website has a separate section for the upcoming 2012 apocalypse, complete with interpretations of Mayan prophecies and their very own 2012 product line.

And luckily for you, Hardened Structures totally deals with regular citizens as well as corporations and the government. Yes, they will build the shit out of your supervillain hideout. Naturally, it'll cost you -- their projects have run customers up to $90 million. The villain on a budget can begin with an entry level model called Genesis (yes, they even provide the lair with a suitably supervillainy name). Genesis is designed to accommodate a small family -- of henchmen, presumably -- and can be placed in almost any location, from the middle of the desert to your own damn cellar.

Hardened Structures
It's a perfect place to keep your secret family.

For extra safety, you can also opt to flat-out fortify your existing home with a ballistic "level 8" hardened exterior.

But that's not what you want, is it? You want something large enough to house a small army, with enough room for your weather machine and maybe even a shark pool for that inevitable final showdown with the hero. Well, how about the underground Genesis Dome, a series of interconnecting giant domes, living chambers and hallways that can be assembled into the exact configuration and size of your desire like LEGO blocks?

Hardened Structures
You could definitely live here for two, even three weeks before going completely insane.

Or maybe you want something more original, in the form of one of their "special projects," made after your exact, skull-shaped requirements, anywhere you desire?

No, wait -- now you know what you want: their special order, custom-made island fortress! They're not only totally self-sufficient and able to withstand most threats from missiles to tsunamis, but also can be built in, around and under already existing structures and natural formations, such as a gothic castle or that mountain conveniently shaped like your face.


You're a phone call away from your own vault.

Of course, for that you are going to need ...

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