#3. Bullet-Proof Cubicle Walls
One thought going through the head of a paranoid office drone as the briefcase bullets begin flying through stale office air must be the protection offered by his cubicle walls. Sure, slate gray cubicle walls covered in Dilbert cartoons are very soothing, but can they stop bullets? Since they're basically fabric stretched over foam rubber, you'd probably be better off trying to trick the shooter into surrendering via your fake kung fu skills.
The good people at LC Armored Panels have fortunately fixed this gross oversight in cubicle panel design with their line of bullet-resistant cubicle walls. On the lower end, these panels offer protection against rounds fired from a .38 special and a .22. For those who are worried about a more well-equipped and talented attacker, the stronger panels can withstand rounds fired from a 12-gauge shotgun, an AK-47 or a .30 Carbine. In other words, if Michael Bay is filming a movie in your office, you might still survive.
While we admire LC's presentation method, this is clearly not Megan Fox.
While the product looks sound, the company's website is less encouraging. After a fairly technical rundown of their bulletproof wall products, the LC website lists what it calls, "Funny cubicle thoughts." This out-of-place, homespun collection of humor includes suggestions to cubicles like:
7) Private Secretary that actually performs all of the work that the cubicle dweller is supposed to do.
8) Special cubicle disco ball and music that turns on, whenever you think of something great.
9) Special cubicle clock that starts your shift 30 minutes late, and ends 30 minutes early (maybe 45).
How about a mug that informs that while a mental disability is not required, it sure does ease the strain!
Then LC goes on to complain how they don't have a very high search engine ranking and it's not fair they aren't more famous. We're doing what we can, LC.
#2. Civilian GPS Tracking Device
Quick quiz: Assuming you do not work with a deranged gun enthusiast who just ended a bitter divorce, what is the most likely transgression you'll face at work today?
A) Martha from Accounts Receivable will steal your Passion Fruit Parfait yogurt from the break room fridge;
B) Your boss will decide who to downsize with a spirited game of Musical Chairs;
C) You will be stolen by the Japanese Mafia.
Fun fact: Japanese men in suits are utterly indistinguishable from Yakuza.
If you said "C," congrats, you have a very active imaginary life. And once again, the free market is there to provide solutions.
This personal GPS tracking service gives the owner the ability to have his or her location continually tracked by someone else at all times, via any Internet-capable device anywhere in the world. Or, if they're lonely, they have the unique existential ability to track themselves.
"Let's check in with me. Hmm, still on the toilet? Excellent."
Yes, this is the same homing device used by "federal, state and local law enforcement agencies" and once turned on, your location (or the location of the person you slipped the device to) will be broadcast over the Internet, presumably displayed with a map with a little red dot that moves down the street.
Just before the first Alien swarm hits.
The only problem we see is that a pager-sized device is almost impossible to hide on your person (or someone else's person). Once they or that Colombian drug lord finds it and sees "BlackStar Real Time GPS Tracker" clearly labeled, they might just get suspicious. Of course, you could cover the logo with a piece of masking tape, but you're paying about $1,000 a year for that label, so you ain't gonna cover that shit up. You wouldn't duck tape the Lamborghini logo on your car, would you?
"This will mask my real identity as a douche!"
Providing your kidnapper is incredibly lazy, unable to read or just doesn't really have his heart in this whole abduction thing, perhaps this device could provide some good. Maybe the authorities will use it to track you down at the mastermind's fortified compound or, more likely, find you dead in the trunk of your car where you accidentally trapped yourself while testing the device.
"I haven't tested its water resistance when I'm naked with a large rock tied to my feet."
And really, if it's surveillance we're talking about, you'd better go all the way ...
#1. Hidden Cameras and Hidden Camera Detectors
Need to keep track of your personal space? Worried about microscopic particles in the air that probably have little to no effect on your overall health? If only paranoia and hypochondria could have a few drinks together and produce an unholy offspring to meet these dual needs. Oh wait, they did!
We're living in the paranoia renaissance, folks.
Want to know who's been stealing your paper clips? You could just walk over and grab another box from the supply closet, like a chump. Or you could shell out $700 like a boss and catch that bastard on camera. Using state of the art surveillance technology, this lovely motion-activated camera can forever put to rest the fears of someone rummaging through your cubicle or office.
Especially that one guy who just poses for hours over your three month performance review.
But now you have to fear that someone else may also have a hidden camera somewhere. Ah ha! But you have the hidden camera detector. This space age technology allows the owner to discover hidden cameras at work using lasers. How does it work? It works with lasers! What more do you need to know?
Wait, but what if their cameras are equipped with hidden camera detector detectors? So they can preemptively detect your detector and somehow cloak themselves? Someone must make a device to counteract such a thing. Come on, somebody! Build it before it's too late! Here's our money!
Benjamin Buso lives in Texas and is reasonably sure he is on several government watch lists after researching this article.
For more weapons that shouldn't exist, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Or check out supplies we wish were real in 21 Office Supplies Too Awesome To Exist.