With massive layoffs, corrupt CEOs and disgruntled employees, the office has become a dangerous place to work. At least, that's what your paranoid mind tells you. For those who envision office-wide knife fights or think the lunch room is the most likely Ground Zero in the upcoming robot-zombie apocalypse, rest assured certain entrepreneurs have stepped forward to fill this void.
#6. Turn Your Briefcase Into a Working Machine Gun
We've all had that thought, Sure, nothing makes me feel safer during a quarterly sales meeting like a semi-automatic weapon, but Cathy down in HR is a being a total Nazi about it. Luckily, military weapons manufacturer Heckler and Koch puts the "concealed" in "Holy shit, you bring a concealed submachine gun to work?!" with the MP5 Briefcase accessory. And no, it's not just a carrying case -- the gun can be fired while it's still in the case.
"This is the last time you leave the coffee pot empty, Ted!"
Yes, the good people at H&K have taken their 90 years of experience in the field of weapon design to terrifying levels with this fusion of practicality and reckless endangerment.
They seem to have a lot lying around.
See how the MP5 not only fits into this stylish leather briefcase made for just that purpose, but also has a trigger embedded right there on the handle? You don't even need to change the way you're holding it, you can be strolling down the sidewalk, and with the twitch of a finger, suddenly be spraying hot lead indiscriminately in every direction. How fantastic/horrifying is that?
This guy is holding the briefcase all wrong.
Of course, knowing that your co-workers are armed with these means you'd better invest in ...
#5. The Bulletproof Clipboard
We've all been there before. A hectic work environment, unreasonable goals and sadistic bosses are all getting in the way of recreational Web surfing and flirting with Kathleen from IT. But just when the day could not get any worse, Phil from accounting starts screaming something about the Angel of Death and opens fire on everyone in sight with his briefcase. And to think you were just five days from retirement. Getting too old for this shit, you are indeed.
"Dammit, Phil, I used your mug one time! Jenkins was the one who stuck all that gum under your desk."
It would be a good time to carry the bulletproof body armor clipboard. It's sold by ThinkGeek, but it's no joke. Watch:
Composed of level II body armor, this clipboard can stop multiple 9mm rounds and comes with a 25 year limited warranty.
At $44 a piece, you could afford to make a whole suit out of these babies.
After careful examination, there appears to be no major faults in the design of this clipboard, as long as your crazed spree killer aims directly at the 9 x 12 area, and not at the part where your fingers are. Unfortunately, boredom and human nature might be the biggest threat to the people purchasing this product as the desire to test it proves irresistible. While it might not be difficult to find someone willing to fire off a couple rounds at you while holding this clipboard, it might prove more difficult to find someone who could fire off some rounds at this clipboard accurately.
Ideally, your would-be assassin should be lying directly between your feet.
So you'd better also invest in ...
#4. Business Class Body Armor
There are many drawbacks to wearing body armor at work. Because it typically looks like this ...
It matches very few dress skirts.
... it can be cumbersome and makes you look distrustful. If only it were possible to have the protection of class III ceramic body armor with the comfort and style of a classic three button blazer? Fashion designer Miguel Caballero developed a line of clothing to solve this problem.
The leather jacket is bulletproof. We assume those stylish bangles are smoke bombs.
These are not simply blazers made of Kevlar cloth. Using a technique designed and patented by Caballero himself, these designs use a polyester and nylon weave that can withstand gun fire and is also stab proof. The only drawback being it makes you look a tad bloated.
You get all the benefits of looking like someone with severe gas, plus you can repel small arms fire!
Caballero's designs fuse the perfect harmony of style and paranoia. Or, as he explains, "We make bullet proof fashion." Some of his clients include Presidents Alvaro Uribe of Colombia and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, so rest assured, you'll be sharing pretty rarefied company with some of the most despised men in the world. However, if your management style inspires the kind of hatred and blood vengeance usually reserved for Third World dictators, perhaps you might want to reinstitute Casual Friday.
Rest assured, they got you covered even for that.
But why use these garments just for protection when there's potential for coworker bonding through pants-shitting fear? At Caballero's own office, the CEO is known to continually test his products by randomly shooting his employees with a .38 revolver. Consider that the next time you bitch about the break room vending machine eating your dollar.