6 Pieces of Office Equipment (For the Incredibly Paranoid)
With massive layoffs, corrupt CEOs and disgruntled employees, the office has become a dangerous place to work. At least, that's what your paranoid mind tells you. For those who envision office-wide knife fights or think the lunch room is the most likely Ground Zero in the upcoming robot-zombie apocalypse, rest assured certain entrepreneurs have stepped forward to fill this void.
We've all had that thought, Sure, nothing makes me feel safer during a quarterly sales meeting like a semi-automatic weapon, but Cathy down in HR is a being a total Nazi about it. Luckily, military weapons manufacturer Heckler and Koch puts the "concealed" in "Holy shit, you bring a concealed submachine gun to work?!" with the MP5 Briefcase accessory. And no, it's not just a carrying case -- the gun can be fired while it's still in the case.
Via Kafkanishian
"This is the last time you leave the coffee pot empty, Ted!"
Yes, the good people at H&K have taken their 90 years of experience in the field of weapon design to terrifying levels with this fusion of practicality and reckless endangerment.
Via gunpundit
They seem to have a lot lying around.
See how the MP5 not only fits into this stylish leather briefcase made for just that purpose, but also has a trigger embedded right there on the handle? You don't even need to change the way you're holding it, you can be strolling down the sidewalk, and with the twitch of a finger, suddenly be spraying hot lead indiscriminately in every direction. How fantastic/horrifying is that?
Via hkpro
This guy is holding the briefcase all wrong.
Of course, knowing that your co-workers are armed with these means you'd better invest in ...
We've all been there before. A hectic work environment, unreasonable goals and sadistic bosses are all getting in the way of recreational Web surfing and flirting with Kathleen from IT. But just when the day could not get any worse, Phil from accounting starts screaming something about the Angel of Death and opens fire on everyone in sight with his briefcase. And to think you were just five days from retirement. Getting too old for this shit, you are indeed.
Getty
"Dammit, Phil, I used your mug one time! Jenkins was the one who stuck all that gum under your desk."
It would be a good time to carry the bulletproof body armor clipboard. It's sold by ThinkGeek, but it's no joke. Watch:
Composed of level II body armor, this clipboard can stop multiple 9mm rounds and comes with a 25 year limited warranty.
Via thinkgeek
At $44 a piece, you could afford to make a whole suit out of these babies.
After careful examination, there appears to be no major faults in the design of this clipboard, as long as your crazed spree killer aims directly at the 9 x 12 area, and not at the part where your fingers are. Unfortunately, boredom and human nature might be the biggest threat to the people purchasing this product as the desire to test it proves irresistible. While it might not be difficult to find someone willing to fire off a couple rounds at you while holding this clipboard, it might prove more difficult to find someone who could fire off some rounds at this clipboard accurately.
Via thinkgeek
Ideally, your would-be assassin should be lying directly between your feet.
So you'd better also invest in ...
There are many drawbacks to wearing body armor at work. Because it typically looks like this ...
Via bodyarmoroutlet
It matches very few dress skirts.
... it can be cumbersome and makes you look distrustful. If only it were possible to have the protection of class III ceramic body armor with the comfort and style of a classic three button blazer? Fashion designer Miguel Caballero developed a line of clothing to solve this problem.
Via miguelcaballero
The leather jacket is bulletproof. We assume those stylish bangles are smoke bombs.
These are not simply blazers made of Kevlar cloth. Using a technique designed and patented by Caballero himself, these designs use a polyester and nylon weave that can withstand gun fire and is also stab proof. The only drawback being it makes you look a tad bloated.
Via miguelcaballero
You get all the benefits of looking like someone with severe gas, plus you can repel small arms fire!
Caballero's designs fuse the perfect harmony of style and paranoia. Or, as he explains, "We make bullet proof fashion." Some of his clients include Presidents Alvaro Uribe of Colombia and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, so rest assured, you'll be sharing pretty rarefied company with some of the most despised men in the world. However, if your management style inspires the kind of hatred and blood vengeance usually reserved for Third World dictators, perhaps you might want to reinstitute Casual Friday.
Via miguelcaballero
Rest assured, they got you covered even for that.
But why use these garments just for protection when there's potential for coworker bonding through pants-shitting fear? At Caballero's own office, the CEO is known to continually test his products by randomly shooting his employees with a .38 revolver. Consider that the next time you bitch about the break room vending machine eating your dollar.
Wait for the mp5k suitcase, where do the shell casings go?
ReplyThere is extra room in the suitcase...
"Hello boss, thanks for the new suit-
ReplyBOSS:"DIE! (*fires pistol)
ME: what the H*** man!?!? I'm bleeding!"
BOSS: okay, time for the mark 2 design.....
"You wouldn't duck tape the Lamborghini logo on your car, would you?"
ReplyIt.. it's called "duct tape". Y-y-you made a mistake, Cracked. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!
Except it was called duck tape to begin with, because it was used to seal ammo cans, and water ran off it like water off a ducks back, you know, "Duck tape." It's not even recommended to be used for ducts, and it would confuse australian and new zealand readers because duct tape for them is an entirely different beast.
number 6 should be number 1. That s**t is too crazy.
ReplyDemocratically elected presidents are third world dictators now? Nice. Oh, you say that all elections in South America are fraudulent and only the US has Democracy? I wonder if Florida in 2000 or those nice voting machines you guys love to use so much ring a bell. Yeah, Uribe and Chavez both had several international watchdog groups looking over their elections, but nooo, they MUST be fraudulent. The South American dictators the U.S puts in power though (Pinochet, for example), those guys are fine, right?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesjo puta...
Its a comedy site. Can it be racist? Yes. Sexist? Has been too! Inaccurate? At times. Its not a news site. Its a comedy site.
Calm down commie
Sorry, dicks, but he's right. Comparing good leaders to genocidal maniacs is never funny.
Regarding # 3:
Reply"Michael Cowboy?" That's his real name? (Well, in Spanish.) That definitely goes on the list of most wicked awesome names ever.
Now, here's a question. Would you need a concealed weapons permit to carry that briefcase gun? Figure, if the gun is a permanent part of the case, it's not really concealed. You're openly carrying the thing, after all.
ReplyThird world dictator your mother.
ReplyPfft, that GPS was probably primarily intended for sales to spouses who suspect they're being cheated on.
ReplyAs far as the business class body armor is concerned, I followed a link about these products that the author of this article provided. Upon reading it, I found that there are knockoffs of this product. I understand why there's a market for knockoffs, especially for brands like Louis Vuitton, Prada, Chanel and the like. They're ridiculously overpriced, and a lot of these brands are for looks anyway. For many, the look outweighs the quality. Personally, I'm a brand-whore, and would rather buy from the original designer, to give credit where credit is due, and because the quality really does make a difference to me. The fact that you get to show off that you have the brand name is just a bonus.
ReplyBrand names do get their reputation for a reason. I recently read an article about Louis Vuitton suitcases that were found in the Titanic, and upon opening them, the contents were still intact. I seriously doubt a knockoff brand would come even remotely close to doing that.
Anyway, my point is, is it really worth taking a chance buying the knockoff brand of bullet-resistant clothing? The technology is patented, and what are the odds some other company's going to stumble upon the formula themselves? The knockoffs are probably just slightly cheaper, but still pricey. If you're going to buy this product for it's intended use, is it really worth saving a few hundred bucks for a product that could very well be worthless?
Cool story bro, tell it again...
You could buy one to your mother-in-law and send her to a trip to Rio de Janeiro.
As far as the business class body armor is concerned, I followed a link about these products that the author of this article provided. Upon reading it, I found that there are knockoffs of this product. I understand why there's a market for knockoffs, especially for brands like Louis Vuitton, Prada, Chanel and the like. They're ridiculously overpriced, and a lot of these brands are for looks anyway. For many, the look outweighs the quality. Personally, I'm a brand-whore, and would rather buy from the original designer, to give credit where credit is due, and because the quality really does make a difference to me. The fact that you get to show off that you have the brand name is just a bonus.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBrand names do get their reputation for a reason. I recently read an article about Louis Vuitton suitcases that were found in the Titanic, and upon opening them, the contents were still intact. I seriously doubt a knockoff brand would come even remotely close to doing that.
Anyway, my point is, is it really worth taking a chance buying the knockoff brand of bullet-resistant clothing? The technology is patented, and what are the odds some other company's going to stumble upon the formula themselves? The knockoffs are probably just slightly cheaper, but still pricey. If you're going to buy this product for it's intended use, is it really worth saving a few hundred bucks for a product that could very well be worthless?
Oh wait...you did....
Pfft. Whatever. I'm not the only one in the world to have accidently double posted something.
Not the first to post a whole bunch of s**t that no one cares about either.
"uncontrollable sobbing" I waited, then waited, then waited, just for something to turn my life around. then i came onto this comment and for a second, i had hope... but then the humor never came. my girlfriend dumped me because of this comment, then i showed this to my grandma who was having a heart attack at the time and now shes dead. f**k you you grandma killing douche bag. "uncontrollable sobbing"
Hell, I'd combine it all and get myself some sort of briefcase lined with bullet proof clipboards that fires submachine gun bullets and has both a hidden camera in it as well as a gps tracking device in case I get kidnapped...or someone steals my awesome briefcase.
ReplyOf course I'd then grab my super briefcase and head to work, where I'd have my bulletproof cubicle, but of course I'd drive there in my decked out car which I would probably also line with bulletproof cubicle plating, clipboards, hidden guns(which would in turn be hidden in briefcases), gps tracking devices, hidden cameras, and if "the man" got through all that shit, I'd have my bulletproof business wear on too. That's right, to think up something like this it takes a man so very paranoid he can't even trust himself with that knowledge that he's paranoid.
Yeah...that would be the shit. Now mind you, I wouldn't actually be able to fit anything in my briefcase and I'd barely fit in my car, but it would all be worth it when the government/zombies/mutants/pissed off animals being ridden by peta members try to kill us all.
Your comment made me laugh more than this article. And having always worked in offices, this article made me laugh a lot. :o)
Oh good god. I hope that gun in a briefcase isn't available to the general public. :/ I can see that ending badly.
ReplyAlthough honestly, I really feel BAD for any regular office lackey that feels the need to buy any of these. It must be horrible to be that paranoid all the time. Also, that bulletproof office-wear guy should start donating some more casual items to south africa or something.
Dont worry to have a fully automatic weapon is the biggest pain in the ass of all gun laws when all gun laws are is to be a big pain in the ass. as a gun owner and enthusiast it would be more practicable to carry a safe semi automatic pistol and to have a concealed weapons carry permit you would know it is a danger to fire the weapon in its case to the people you are protecting so you are safe and if your woried about getting shot worry about illegal gun trafficking with criminals with the intent on killing you with a more practical efficient way than a law abiding citizen wanting to protect and life isnt grand theft auto
The last entry makes me think of the classic movie "The Big Hit' with Marky Mark and the scene where 2 sides of a phone call have a tracer, a trace-buster, a trace-buster-buster, and a trace-buster-buster-buster all at work against one another.
ReplyDuck tape? Are you shitting me?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesyea that's bad
It may have been originally called duck tape (WWII)
He could be talking about the brand of duct tape Duck Tape.
Or y'know typo on cracked, who really gives a shit?
The real value of the tracking chip is that it is small enough to fit, oh say, on the bottom of a car. And this car could, hypothetically, belong to an ex-girlfriend. And, in theory, she could lead you right to her new several-states-away-from-you home and her new a*****e boyfriend with his fancy "doesn't fence stolen lawn ornaments" job. You know. Hypothetically.
Reply6 is something an assassin uses in every other movie with an assassin, BUT IT'S REAL.
Replytheyre all real, dude.
Seems to me that most people who stuck that clipboard up to protect their head would be extremely unprepared for the force of a bullet making impact. Even if the gunman hits it square in the center, you'd probably have a broken nose to deal with after the clipboard smacks you in the face. So now, instead of being murdered by a coworker, you get he fantastically demoralizing experience of a coworker murdering you through hilarity induced laughter, as you squat on the floor holding your nose while pleading for your life in an Elmer Fudd voice.
ReplyThis is the second article I've seen that uses airsoft stock images in place of that of an actual firearm.
ReplyCould I get the briefcase fitted with a flamethrower instead of a gun, like the guitar case from Once Upon A Time In Mexico?
Reply