#2. Japan Has Always Been Like That
Look hard enough, and you're going to find some sick fetishes in every culture. And one of the kinkiest manifestations of Japan's weirdness is the "kitsune," which are foxes. But this is Japan we're talking about here, so these kitsune aren't just clever, mischievous tricksters, they're shape-shifters. And once again, since this is Japan we're talking about, kitsune aren't just shape-shifters, they're multi-tailed, godlike lovers, capable of mating with humans and making babies.
Yet another reason why Pokemon is slightly unsettling.
And just so we're clear, this isn't some old weird myth that people look back on and think, "Wow, our ancestors were pervs." South Korea has a sitcom called My Girlfriend Is a Nine-Tailed Fox. The sitcom was launched only a year ago.
Or How I Met Your Mother and Was Subsequently Raped, Also You're Half Fox.
The kitsune mythology starts off pretty normal. Foxes are cunning, so it only makes sense that ancient people imagined they had magical properties, like gaining a new tail every hundred years. Also at a hundred years, foxes gain the ability to shape shift. Still, that's pretty tame compared to Loki the horse-fucker.
The most common forms foxes take are girls, beautiful women or old men, except they keep their tails. And that's where things get a little kinky. There is a whole genre of fox-wife stories -- tales about men who accidentally marry foxes posing as women, only to discover the truth after they've bred some pups/babies. Here's a picture of a fox mom getting discovered by her kid and husband:
"I told you hundreds of times I was a fox, but as usual you weren't listening."
In one story, a man finds out his wife is a kitsune when her mortal enemy -- a dog -- tries to bite her and she turns into a fox. The man is shocked, of course, yet invites her to come back and sleep with him whenever she feels like it.
"Although it had better be midweek; I'm bukkaked out on the weekends."
And that's why the word "kitsune" doesn't literally translate into "fox." It translates into "come and sleep."
It Gets Weirder
At the same time that a whole subgenre of foxy love stories were developing, the fox came to symbolize Inari, the god of fertility and agriculture. Which is why even today you see statues of foxes all over Japan. In other words, the Japanese actually deified one of their earliest fetishes.
It's all starting to make sense.
#1. Egypt Keeps It in the Family
The Egyptians almost single-handedly make ancient history worth studying. They built cool stuff, fucked their sisters like it was no big thing and walked around looking like drag queens. And those were the actual historical figures! Wait until you find out how kinky their gods were.
Especially since one was a goddamned dung beetle.
We'll start with Atum. Atum made the universe by wanking it out of his dong.
"Atum was creative in that he proceeded to masturbate himself in Heliopolis. He took his penis in his hand so that he might obtain the pleasure of orgasm thereby. And brother and sister were born -- that is Shu and Tefnut."
Shu and Tefnut do it and have two kids named Geb and Nut. Geb and Nut do it and made Isis and her siblings, but we'll get to them in a minute. And just so we're clear that this is, in fact, the Egyptian version of creation, Shu is air, Tefnut is water, Geb is the Earth and Nut is the sky. So Isis is stupid inbred.
"Isis, stop trying to shove that thing up my nose."
It Gets Weirder
Atum, the masturbating creator of the universe, had four great-grandchildren: Isis, Osiris, Nephthys and Set. Isis and Osiris were also husband and wife, which pissed Set off, not because he figured out that marrying someone who came out of your own mother's hooch was gross, but because his sister/wife Nephthys wasn't nearly as hot as Isis. So Set murders his brother Osiris, chops him into 14 pieces and scatters them all over Egypt. Thirteen of those pieces were not dicks. Guess which one got eaten by a fish?
The dick. It's always the dick.
Getting dismembered sucks at any point in history, but back then it meant you weren't going to get into the underworld. So Isis gathered 13 of the 14 pieces of her brother/husband, fashioned a new dick out of gold, did some Egyptian voodoo and voila! Osiris and his gold member are back alive! But only long enough to get Isis pregnant with his son/nephew.
With enough inbreeding, you too can have an eagle head!
The best part is that we're not even done. Isis and Osiris' baby is named Horus, and Horus and his uncle Set have some business to work out. Namely, who was the dominant of the two. And we're definitely using "dominant" in the prison-sex sense of the word. So when Set tried to have sex with his (now grown up) nephew, Horus caught the semen and showed it to his mother.
Isis flung the semen into the Nile, then magically caused her son's penis to rise, and caught some splooge of his own in a jar. Stay with us, because we're not done. Horus then took his juice and served it to Set on a salad.
By getting his uncle to ingest his semen, Horus was then above Set in rank, at least according to the gods' rule book.
And that is how you start a civilization.
For more on ancient sex, check out The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.