4The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens
The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens is a straight-to-DVD classic that combines a child's love of magic with blatant plagiarism, horrible filmmaking and mild insanity. Here, watch a bit:
Confused? Unsure if this is a children's movie or a bizarre porn starring bearded hobos? We're not surprised. Even after watching the whole thing, we're not exactly sure what it's supposed to be about, but here's what we could pin down: Billy Owens is chased by a bully into a pawn shop, where he decides to buy himself a wand for his birthday, because he's that special kind of neglected that has to buy his own birthday presents, but still has money enough to do so. Later, he discovers that the wand is real and will perform magic, but only for him.
"Look! It shoots PSAs! The moooore you knooooow ..."
Billy teams up with his two conspicuously familiar-sounding best friends: A know-it-all girl and a dull but loyal young boy. The owner of the magical pawn shop, Thurgood, a gruff old man with long hair and a beard, reveals that Billy is a wizard who comes from a powerful wizard...ing(?) family. They find out that the Viking God Loki (OK) decided to hide his scepter in the Spirit River (of course) and it's protected by a river dragon (obviously). The dragon is about to be released (wait ... from what? His guard duties?), and Billy is the only one who can stop it. At this point the movie hands the script and a small glossary of fantasy terms over to a group of non-English speaking Koreans and just hopes for the best. The results are not surprising: Something something evil scientist, yadda yadda magical birthdays, blah blah invisible doors to the spirit river.
Not even the actors can feign excitement.
The point is: A young boy prodigy discovers his special destiny and, with the help of his friends -- a brilliant young girl and a pure-hearted (if a little dim) young man --- saves the day with his trusty handheld magical device. Rowling would probably sue, but really, when you break it down like that, it sounds like she's stealing her plot from The Wizard in the first place.
3Hairy Pothead and the Marijuana Stone
Hairy Pothead and the Marijuana Stone is exactly what you'd expect from a publication called Cannabis Culture -- which is to say, something that seems funny while high, and embarrassing when (or if) you sober up the next day. It tells the story of a young boy who is rescued from his boring life on Mainstream Ave. and told that he is in fact a "weedster."
More like Ron Weedsley. Oh dear Lord, writing that felt awful.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Do we really have to type the rest of this out? How much do we get paid again? Whoa, how much? Really? All right, here goes:
Lucky Hairy gets to go to Hempwards School of Herbcraft and Weedery, where he learns from his teachers Professor McGanjagal and Alwaze Duinthedope. He discovers he has a talent for a game called Qanabbi and fuck you, that's enough. If you make us type one more drug-themed pun, we will quit and burn this website to the ground.
Don't test us, matches are cheap.
Really, a pot-themed Potter parody was almost as inevitable as a porn-themed one; nobody loves their terrible puns more than dudes with temporary brain damage and girls that have had two or more dicks in them at the same time. No one would have batted an eye if it wasn't for the book's author, Dana Larsen: At the time the novel was published, Larsen was running for office in Canada, and hoped the book would help him to gain popularity.
Want to take a guess how that worked out?
No, politics in Canada are not "just that chill." Larsen was one of the founding members of the Marijuana Party of Canada, whose sole aim is to end the prohibition on marijuana. Larsen eventually left the party in 2003 and joined the New Democratic Party instead. In 2008, the NDP made Larsen its candidate for Parliament in the West Vancouver-Sunshine Coast. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Larsen was forced to resign his candidacy when it became apparent that he *GASP* did a lot of drugs.
Not the esteemed author of Hairy Pothead! Who could have known?!