5 Classic Games You Didn't Know Had WTF Backstories

#2. Double Dragon

Via Meulie.net

What we thought was going on:

Two brothers, Billy and Jimmy Lee, wander through the streets of New York, headbutting punks until they died from too much headbutting, because it was the '80s; that's just a Tuesday night. As added incentive, the punks also took your girlfriend, and you really want her back because she never wears a skirt that covers her entire butt.


Above: how half of you got your first erection.

The WTF Backstory:

The enemies in Double Dragon aren't just another example of 1980s Japan misunderstanding what the punk movement was about: The game is actually supposed to take place in the post-apocalypse. And Billy and Jimmy aren't just chisel-jawed dudes who like ass as much as they like tanktops -- they're both supposed to be martial arts masters protecting a sacred and secret style. And the woman? She's not just your helpless girlfriend: She's also an instructor named Marian who also teaches at the martial arts school... presumably as master of Flashing Buttcheek Style. The manual also makes a specific point of mentioning that, though she's Billy's girlfriend, Jimmy has a thing for her too.

Although the setting and character relationship changes do explain some things, now that we think about it: If we're talking post-nuclear war, then these freaks...

...suddenly make a hell of a lot more sense. We just chalked them up as Sloth rip-offs, what with pop-culture of the time still riding high off The Goonies and all.

And then there's the fight at the very end. After the Lord Humungus analogue up there goes down in flames to your totally spiritual Repeated Face-Kneeing Karate Style, this happens:


"No, Steve, I get the knife this time. You promised!"

It seemed totally random at the time, and as kids, we just rolled with it because "fighting is the best!" However, in one of those text scenes that our impatient thumbs flew past, it's revealed that Jimmy is the one who secretly kidnapped Marian. So what you saw through child's eyes as a fun little section where you finally got to fight each other, you now know was a (possibly post-rape) struggle between brothers in a society that collapsed, leaving violence and death as the only laws. Suddenly, there's something just a little less innocent about the tied up woman on the wall wearing 2/3 of a skirt.


The Road: The Video Game.

#1. Arkanoid

Via Vgmastersclub.com

What we thought was going on:

It's single player Tetris-pong. This can have a story?

The WTF Backstory:

We were all sticky-fingered, not-yet-Ritalin-addled kids, so we were too busy mashing the start button to ever watch an intro, but if you watched the one for Arkanoid, you'd know that the "paddle" is actually supposed to be a space craft called the Vaus, which is "trapped in space warped by someone."

You'd also know that "Arkanoid" was the name of the destroyed mothership where all of your friends and coworkers just died, and that the block breaking is actually your attempt to escape "space warped" -- some kind of metaphysical quantum hellprison -- which, due to graphical limitations, looks like a bunch of shipping containers in a grass field.


This is basically the Event Horizon.

Imprisoned and abandoned, you're forced to fight your way to "Doh," the mysterious "someone" that initially trapped you in "space warped." After 32 levels of bouncing a ball off a paddle, Doh finally appears as a giant head.


Made of Jello.

So if you did just mash that start button -- foolishly thinking you didn't need a sci-fi novel to understand your ping pong game -- and still managed to reach the last level, this is how it went down: There you were, just cruising along, thinking you've got a pretty good sense of the game (it's basically just destructive handball, right?) and then BAM! Smug space head out of nowhere! Wait, what? Literally everything up to this point has been in block form, what the hell is this head thing? Now it's attacking you?!

And if you did keep it together enough to overcome your stunned confusion and defeat the head, the game abruptly ends and this pops up:

And then your brain implodes.

Check out 6 Glitches That Accidentally Invented Modern Gaming and our image gallery of video games as seen from the villains' point of view.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get jokes sent straight to your news feed.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

657 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!