10 Deleted Scenes That Would've Ruined The Film

#5. Blade -- Deacon Frost on the Blob

Blade was a dark and violent comic book movie before dark and violent comic book movies were "in." Indeed, it could be argued that Blade kick-started the Marvel movie juggernaut that's stronger than ever today. In the actual ending, Blade rampages, beats the shit out of a ton of shitty vampire dudes and has a lengthy sword-and-fist fight with Deacon Frost. The fight concludes when Blade loads Frost up with several syringes full of some kind of vampire poison. The final syringe, in fact, is kicked by Blade right into Frosts' fucking head. Then Frost explodes.

It's awesome.

The Deleted Scene:

In the deleted ending, Frost turns into a blood tornado with a face and spins around in circles until Blade simply waits for him to accidentally absorb the vampire poison.

At first it looks like Frost has burped out some thick cranberry juice, but soon the blood consumes him, pouring out of his mouth and filling up his pants in one huge clotted mess.

The vampire blood god looks like the worst half of a PB&J.

Instead of kung-fuing the vials of blue vampire poison into Frost's body, Blade waits patiently while Frost turns into a blood tornado with a face.

Above: Not what Bram Stoker had in mind.

Blade tries to whisper some witty one-liner about the poison, but Frost can't hear him, because he's already turned into a blood tornado with a face.

Also, in the Blade universe, vampire blood is the same color and consistency as cranapple juice.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Fucking blood tornado with a face, you guys!

No, but we actually do have more to say. Blade was released in 1998, the same year as Armageddon and Godzilla, but it had less than a third of their budgets, so the focus really wasn't on visual effects. The few effects seen in the film were used to good ... effect, but only because they were so brief.

Case in point.

Turning Frost into a blood tornado with a face at first sounds like a really stupid idea, but as you can see from the 1998 visuals, it's actually completely fucking stupid.

Not unlike the year 1998.

Even back when Blade was released, this would have looked a bit ropey, and after two hours of ass-kicking vampire action, you don't want the audience's last impression to be of an angry twister made of the Kool-Aid guy's diarrhea.

#4. Donnie Darko -- Predict This

Donnie Darko was both praised and criticized for its nonlinear and fantastical narrative, but it was undeniably original. Whether you loved or hated Donnie Darko, you certainly couldn't argue that director Richard Kelly tried to dumb it down for the lowest common denominator.

It took us two years to realize that wasn't a hand doing the peace sign.

The Deleted Scene:

Not a whole lot happens in this scene. Donnie Darko is impaled at the end of his bed, quietly shaking as he waits for sweet death, or the end of the "Mad World" montage, whichever comes first.

"Hurry ... the fuck ... up."

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

One of the things people love about Donnie Darko is the weird, poetic, ambiguous way Donnie's death is handled. Sacrificing himself, staying in bed and getting crushed by a jet engine, would stop a series of events that would result in the love of his life getting killed. If he did it consciously, well that sure was sweet and noble of him. The way the room is shot in slow motion being consumed by the engine gives Donnie a mysterious and classy exit from the film, the kind of exit that would be appropriate for a self-sacrificing hero in love.

Nothing says "mysterious" and "classy" like "crushed by a jet engine."

But if Kelly had then cut to Donnie sitting there quivering like a stuck pig, that mystique would have been entirely shattered. No more poetry, no more class, just Donnie, twitching like a lunatic for 1o seconds.

#3. Hancock -- Blast off. With My Dong.


Hancock was a sort-of-alright movie with a charming cast. It's about a superhero who is also kind of an asshole (Will Smith), his new nonsuper friend (Jason Bateman) and his friend's smoking-hot wife (Charlize Theron), who (spoiler) is also a superhero.

The Deleted Scene:

So Hancock is in a bar and a random chick walks in and clearly wants to put Hancock's dick in her hand. She's been looking for him everywhere because she's way into the idea of nailing a superhero.

Even one who smells like a bottle of Jim Beam left out in the sun.

The woman stares at and aggressively hits on Hancock long enough that he finally agrees to be a gentleman and take her back to his trailer for some super-boning. Wasting no time, she pounces on Hancock and tries to slap his ass with a package of Jiffy Pop the second she enters his trailer.

"Do you want some popcorn on your ass? You -- oh, you don't? Oh ... I guess that's just me, then."

Before they get started, Hancock, deep concern in his voice, tries to warn her that when he reaches the so-called "mountaintop," she should be as far away as possible. But because she's as dumb as she is horny, the message doesn't look to be received, as she seems to assume everything Hancock says is a sexual euphemism she just hasn't learned yet.

"Oh, yeah, I'll be far away. I'll be far away all over your testicles ... right?"

Refusing to hear any more warnings, the woman jumps on Hancock and they start pounding away, shaking the trailer wildly.

If this trailer's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin' unless you fancy death by supersonic sperm.

Just when Hancock is about to reach climax, he shouts "mountaintop" and unceremoniously throws the woman across the room onto a couch.

Then this happens.

Thanks, Larry Niven!

In case it's not obvious, those are holes in the roof of Hancock's trailer. Hancock puts three sizeable holes in the roof of his trailer as he blows his load into orbit. His semen shot through the ceiling and into space.

The woman, understandably in shock, heads to the bathroom. While in there, Hancock stands outside the door and gets all sweet and emotional, thanking her for being understanding and offering to take her on a romantic super-flight.

But she's too freaked out, and there's nothing Hancock can do. She sneaks out a window and drives away.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

On one hand, we respect that the filmmakers decided to show this. After all, if everything about Hancock is super-powered, it stands to reason that his semen would be, too. It's a nice deconstruction of the all-powerful heroes like Superman that we rarely think about.

On the other hand, he blasted holes in the ceiling of his trailer with his sperm. And, hey, Charlize Theron's character is just as much of a superhero as he is. If this scene had been included, it would mean Charlize had the lady equivalent of super-powered genitals, which would mean her very grounded, down-to-earth husband, Jason Bateman, was either totally unaware of it, or totally cool with it, and neither would make sense.

"It's terrifying -- one Kegel and my dick would be gone."

#2. Terminator 2: Judgment Day -- Wait a Minute ... But He Can't ... 'Cos That Hasn't ... What?

When making a movie featuring time travel, there are many things you have to keep track of if your film is going to make sense. Luckily, Terminator 2: Judgment Day largely managed to avoid screwing with the timeline, and only the most savagely nerdy will try to nitpick their way through the story to find some seam that doesn't quite fit with the rest of the timeline. The inclusion of this scene, however, would have seen James Cameron shit all over everything we'd just spent that last two hours enjoying.

Titanic hadn't come out yet, and he couldn't afford to pull nearly as much shit.

The Deleted Scene:

After we watch Arnold melt himself, we immediately cut to the MEGA HAPPY ENDING. We fast forward to the new future, where the war was averted and everything's just great.

Apparently at some point the world's great architects sat down and pondered, "How can we make D.C. even uglier?"

Aside perhaps from Linda Hamilton's narrative skills. Those aren't so great. She is now in her 60s and sitting in a park, and says "August 29, 1997 came and went. Nothing much happened. Michael Jackson turned 40."

Hear that? It's the sound of millions of '90s-era boners suddenly shriveling up and dying.

Connor's narration goes on, saying that Judgment Day didn't come, and she wanted to yell at everybody that every day was a gift and they should use it well. Instead of yelling, however, Connor blearily tells us that she got drunk instead. What better way to value your precious moments in a peaceful world that you were fundamental in bringing about than by getting shitfaced because you're too lazy to yell?

"Every day is a gift you ungrateful bastaURRRRRGH."

She goes on about a dark future still existing for her all while someone rolls past on a distinctly unfuturistic-looking skateboard and two others play the most baffling game of Frisbee ever.

Shitty retro-futuristic props, or foreshadowing for Terminator 5: Rise of the Disks?

She then says her son John now fights "on the battlefield of the Senate, his weapons are common sense and hope," before merrily tying her granddaughter's shoelaces and watching her play in the park.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Wait wait wait. Hang on a minute. How the hell can John Connor even exist if the war has never been fought? If the future is so rosy, surely there is no need for Kyle Reese to go back in time to bone Sarah Connor and produce John, let alone a granddaughter. What in the name of Sam Fuck is going on?

And why does John Connor look like he belongs in a goddamn Enzyte ad?

The reason the actual ending worked so well was because it was just as bleak and uncertain as the rest of the movie had been. To go from a dark and grim story featuring a badass Sarah Connor to a sunlit park with Frisbees and a contented (if possibly drunk) old crone with a Senator for a son would have ruined everything. Obviously, like this ending should have never gone beyond the script stage, let alone the "Let's put Linda Hamilton through six hours of makeup and spend a whole bunch of money inventing the perfect future" stage.

A horrifying future where orange denim dungarees are back in fashion.

#1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith -- Might I Suggest Fondling My Mustache?

It feels a little cruel to criticize this bewilderingly Certified Fresh final installment of the Star Wars franchise when it's been done so many times before. But fuck it.

Rotten Tomatoes

The Deleted Scene:

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with Darth Grievous, who is holding a Jedi friend of theirs whom we've never met and don't care about. He then says "Stinking Jedi" and murders her.

It's awful and pointless. We don't know who this Jedi is and we have no reason to care about her, but that's OK, because Obi Wan and Anakin don't seem to care, either. They're more into the idea of finishing each other's sentences like two galaxy-crossed lovers.

This happened. George Lucas wrote it and everything.

As stupid as it is for them to finish each other's sentences for absolutely no reason, it gets worse when Lucas decides to let the audience know that the Jedi have a series of secret codes. Anakin and Obi Wan are surrounded by fucking droids or whatever and, to hide their plans, they communicate via a series of eyebrow rubs, nose twitches and mustache twirls, the way a baseball coach gives signals to his pitcher, except this is supposed to be a goddamned Star Wars movie. So, Anakin does this ...

And Obi Wan says, "No, no, no, no ... might I recommend ..."

"Mustache twirl, perhaps?"

And he twirls his mustache, which Anakin shoots down, explaining that there are "Far too many [fucking droids or whatever] for that." Then Anakin proposes that they ...

"But have you considered eyebrow rub?"

Obi Wan agrees. Apparently, "chin rub + eyebrow rub + eyebrow rub" translates to "Let's use our lightsabers to cut a perfect circle in the floor below ourselves," because that's exactly what they do.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Let's ignore the fact that, even though Jedi are Wizard Knights with actual magic, they developed a secret language of face-touch codes. And let's ignore the fact that one of the codes is "mustache twirl," even though Anakin's lack of mustache precludes him from ever suggesting it. (Seriously, even if he thinks the mustache twirl would be the absolutely perfect maneuver in battle, he'd never be able to communicate it.)

How is Yarael Poof to signal danger without a nose?

And let's ignore the fact that, of all of the crunch-time scenarios that Jedi think might come in handy just for "whatever," one of them is "Cut a hole in the floor with our lightsabers and drop down, hoping that our new tunnel doesn't lead to certain death."

Except let's not at all ignore any of that, because it's all fucking terrible. More than anything else, this scene is remarkable because even George Lucas thought it was too stupid to be in one of the Star Wars prequels. Do you have any idea how stupid a concept needs to be for George Lucas to say, "Ehhh, we should probably cut that"?

Precisely this stupid.

If you'd like to see Cracked one-up Mr. Lucas, click here and watch our new Star Wars mini-series.

If you want to hear more from Marconi Rebus, follow him on Twitter

For scenes that we actually needed, check out 7 Famous Movie Flaws That Were Explained in Deleted Scenes. Or check out some scenes we're glad never got filmed in 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better.

And stop by LinkSTORM to see the deleted scene that explains Bucholz' existence.

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