10 Deleted Scenes That Would've Ruined The Film

You can criticize Hollywood for their often glaring inaccuracies or their attempts to cast dead actors, but the very existence of deleted scenes proves that they are capable of reining things in and making good decisions. Still, you have to wonder why so much money and time was spent filming some scenes that remain utterly baffling, and would have fucked up the rest of the movie had they been left in. Scenes like ...

Nothing can fuck up Cracked's new Adventures in Jedi School mini-series.

#10. Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines -- Schwarzenegger the Southern Sergeant

Say what you will about Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, but it grossed over $400 million worldwide, and it knew exactly what kind of movie it was -- a popcorn blockbuster. However, if the following scene had gotten through the edit, it could have turned Rise of the Machines from a pretty average action film into a pretty laughable screwball comedy.

The Deleted Scene:

The scene shows a boardroom full of military personnel and Cyber Research Systems executives watching a promotional video announcing their latest achievements in killer robot technology.


"We calculate its odds of destroying the entire human race at less than 40 percent.
Which makes it much safer than Project Sarandon."

We learn that these new robots will be serving on the frontlines on the battlefield. We also learn why the body design of the Terminator robots are based on Arnold Schwarzenegger. According to the video, Chief Master Sergeant William Candy (Schwarzenegger) has had such an impressive military career that they've decided to model the Terminator robots after him.


"Why does a robot need to be huge? Wouldn't basing it off of a little guy be cheaper?"

But when he opens his mouth, we realize he's not the emotionless, hardcore, aggressively Austrian Arnold we've all come to know and tolerate -- his voice has been overdubbed by that of a giddy, excitable Southern goofball. Grinning like an idiot, Chief Master Sergeant Candy is all "Howdy" and "Shucks," like the biggest, dumbest cousin of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel. The voice is ridiculous, the dubbing job is jarring and unsettling and the whole concept of the scene is utterly pointless.


"The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs has a muscle fetish and wants an easy lay. It's our job to hook him up."

Obviously the filmmakers need to explain why Terminators don't sound like the Rich Texan from The Simpsons, so one of the executives says he doesn't like the accent. Then the man in the screenshot below turns and, in an aggressively Austrian accent, says, "We can fix it."


Also, he looks sort of like Arnold, too, for some reason.

Get it? The idea is that they liked the body of Arnold, but he had a ridiculous Southern accent, so they replaced it with the voice of some unnaturally deep-voiced scientist! That's exactly the kind of wacky comedy you crave in a movie about time-traveling robot monsters.


Why is he on that treadmill? What new, useful data could that possibly provide robot scientists?

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie

This scene, trying to explain why all the Terminators look like Arnie, is bewildering for so many reasons, and not just because it was a question that literally no one was ever asking at any time. We've accepted the fact that Terminators have to be naked when they go back in time because clothes can't time travel, or whatever, we're already on board with your logic at its most bullshit-tastic; you don't need to explain anything to us.


Sure. The robots have to be naked and covered in skin to travel through time. That's perfectly logical.

But since you did, you've only raised more questions. Why would humans have been developing the Terminators when, in The Terminator, Kyle Reese said that it was the robots who actually designed and built them as a way to infiltrate the humans? Why, about 20 years after crushing the humans, would Skynet honor the inferior humans' choice of face when it came time to build the Terminators? Are we assuming the deep-voiced man with the Austrian accent recorded his voice for the project before Skynet became self-aware and gunned him down?


We're going to go with "no."

It took a decent stretch of the imagination to enjoy the believability of Rise of the Machines in parts, but something tells us this scene would have gone a little too far into the absurd.

#9. Who Framed Roger Rabbit -- Pig-Faced Nightmare Fuel

You mainly remember Who Framed Roger Rabbit for two reasons -- it was the first time you realized a cartoon could give you a tiny boner, and for Christopher Lloyd's pants-shittingly nightmarish reveal at the end. But an arguably more disturbing scene was cut.

The Deleted Scene:

After Eddie (Bob Hoskins), who is trying to clear the titular Roger Rabbit's name, is caught snooping around Jessica Rabbit's changing room and accused of being a panty thief, Judge Doom has him kidnapped and sent off to Toontown, which terrifies Eddie.


You can tell he just pooped by the look on his face.

We don't know what exactly goes on in Toontown, just that when Eddie is released the next day, he has the head of a Toon pig covering his own. How the hell Toons have the ability to create their own Toons and attach them to humans is beyond us. All we know is that the result is pretty alarming.


"It's like Porky Pig plus the Predator plus you guys I just took a lot of acid!"

He tugs and pulls at it to no avail, then runs home and does what any sane man who has just had a Toon animal's head attached to his body by a group of anthropomorphic mobster weasels would do and showers in fucking turpentine.


Don't try this at home. Unless you have to off a psychotic cartoon character.

As he does so, the head of the Toon pig starts to break apart and come away from Eddie's face.

Thankfully we don't see that, as it's silhouetted behind the shower curtain, but we do see the horrifying aftermath as the bits of terrified fleshy swine Toon get washed down the drain.


"GAAAH I can see Bob Hoskins' junk! Also, my face!"

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Remember, Roger Rabbit is only effective as a movie if the audience feels for the Toons -- if we accept the fact that Toons are capable of having the same kinds of emotions and personalities as humans. They have their own set of rules and can take a good beating, sure, but otherwise they can feel sad and scared, and they can certainly feel pain. So seeing the obliterated remains of a still-living Toon pig face being washed away in the shower by an albeit reluctant advocate of Toon rights doesn't exactly make for a fun family night in. The protagonist of a movie isn't supposed to start killing off the people he is trying to protect, without even so much as an afterthought.


Eddie "Valiant" our collective ass.

#8. Clerks -- Death of a Salesman

Clerks follows a day in the life of an average, ambitionless, self-absorbed but ultimately kind of likable quick-stop clerk, Dante, and his best friend, Randall. It's the ultimate low-budget success story that created the behemoth that is Kevin Smith (figuratively speaking of course). Clerks is one of the best movies where ultimately nothing happens, which was entirely Smith's point. The movie's sharp and observational dialogue made up for the ultra low budget and the fact that the most "exciting" thing to happen is a rooftop hockey game. Strange, then, is the gun-toting ending that could have been.

The Deleted Scene:

The first 10 seconds of that clip are familiar if you've seen the movie. Dante takes his post at the counter, Randall reminds Dante that his store is no longer open, and then credits. Unfortunately though, the deleted scene keeps going. Dante goes back behind the counter, and then the movie switches to a point of view shot from outside. You know the one -- it's the kind you always see in a horror movie from the killer's perspective right before he murders someone, just to prove the situation is serious.


Except if this were a horror movie, someone inside that store would be getting laid.

Unfortunately for him, Dante forgets to lock the door after he closes the shop, because the armed robber quietly walks in and, without a word, calmly shoots Dante, killing him.


Bunch of savages in this town.

The final few seconds play out like disturbing news footage from the aftermath of an armed robbery gone wrong rather than the end of a cult comedy. Dante lies bloodied on the floor, his blank dead face staring at nothing.

Fade out. Cue nothing over the credits but ambient noise, followed by the now-eerie sound of a till being operated. Hockey games, arguments about Star Wars, blowjobs, life-- it's all meaningless. Everything dies.


In retrospect, that would have been a good thing for fans of Jay and Silent Bob to learn early.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Did you read that part about how blowjobs are meaningless? For a start, it's depressing as fuck. Comedies, especially relatively light-hearted ones like Clerks, aren't exactly supposed to end with the protagonist getting shot for absolutely no reason. What gave Clerks its charm was the fact that many Generation X-ers could identify with the story of two slackers wasting their lives away in shitty jobs they hated. It worked because it spoke to a previously unaddressed demographic. It was the 1990s. It was about people raised by pop culture. It was one of the first movies that dealt with the idea of being stuck somewhere between adolescence and adulthood. It was about being disappointed but ambitionless, frustrated but impotent, but it was still ultimately hopeful, because it proved a community existed. This movie told every confused slacker out there, "Hey, you're not the only one; there are more of us out here, and we're just as lost and scared and into Star Wars and porn as you are. We're in this together, it'll be OK."

"Nah, just fucking with you. Everybody dies, have a good night!" Killing off Dante murders the good will and the comedy in one unexplained bullet. It's not that we're against sad endings; we're against senselessly idiotic sad endings that are forced onto an otherwise pleasant comedy that is 80 percent dick jokes.

#7. Alien -- Do the Crab Shuffle

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When Alien was first previewed to audiences, ushers fainted and people ran screaming from the theater. Over 30 years later, Alien still packs a terrifying punch, and not just because of the moment when John Hurt's dinner is so rudely interrupted. It was the feeling of dread audiences shared with the crew as they were picked off by the unseen alien terror that was really the driving force. It made the movie just as much a horror film as science fiction.


Though it really was a terrible way to end a meal.

The Deleted Scene:

We're near the end of the film. The surviving crew members are almost home safe. Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) is so busy tying up loose ends and cleaning up some machinery that she doesn't even notice the alien waiting patiently, silently, in the middle of the room ....

Until, that is, the alien makes its presence known with a menacing tail whip.

Needless to say, Lambert is horrified. She stares at the alien, she can't move, she's paralyzed with fear. They're all alone in the room, the horrifying alien has her right where it wants her. The alien stands -- or, not stands, but, like, lifts itself up off the ground with its hands and feet, its stomach still up in the air ...


Just like that, Alien will never be scary again.

... and then it just ... walks like that, scuttling across the room like Dr. Zoidberg, or like this is a fourth-grade gym class and it's playing crab soccer.


"Whooopwhopwhopwhopwhopwhopwhopwhop."

The alien stands up later, proving that its feet work just fine and that it must have done that weird, inverted crawl for ... what, intimidation purposes?

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

We know that a lot of our readers are at work and can't watch videos, but really, our best possible answer is "watch that video." Watch it. Watch it again. Watch it real hard. Watch that big, spooky alien fucking line dance its way across the spaceship over and over again until it's clear why it doesn't belong in this or any movie.

Getty
It is impossible for anyone but a sumo wrestler to look menacing while squatting.

As Ridley Scott himself has said, the main technique used to heighten tension in the film was to bathe the alien in darkness and only show glimpses of it just before it hauled someone off. The fact that you never got a decent look at it until the very end meant it was your own fucked-up imagination that filled in the gaps of what the entire alien looked like, and therefore what it was capable of. That was Scott's plan; the darkness would be just as important as the alien itself. Even though a lot of work went into creating the look of the evil bastard, Scott specifically wanted it to remain largely hidden from the audience so they couldn't tell it was just another dude in a rubber suit.


"We're gonna give it a mask, too, right? We should probably give it a mask."

So to go from having the alien only show itself when it mouth-fucked someone in the face to showing it scrabbling around on its obvious man-feet would have undone all the tension Scott had spent the past two hours trying to maintain.

#6. Ghostbusters -- Suddenly, Bums

Ghostbusters is up there as being one of the best comedies of the '80s, not least because of the improvisational style Bill Murray brought to the role of Dr. Peter Venkman. His performance produced some of the most memorable moments in the film. It makes sense then that a scripted scene was cut from the film, as it could have been memorable for all the wrong reasons.

The Deleted Scene:

Nothing that visually exciting happens in this scene. It's night time, there's a park, and two crazy bums are talking about Nicaragua, boxing and karate. Then Rick Moranis' Louis runs by screaming. Pretty standard. Oh, except for the fact that the bums are also inexplicably played by Murray and Dan Aykroyd.


We know this is offensive. But to whom?

Yes, for no reason at all, Murray and Aykroyd played two roles each in Ghostbusters, even though no one else did. Since Louis is running around screaming, fans of the film know that this scene would have taken place moments after the Terror Dog (as it was known) chases Louis out of the hotel, and right before Venkman goes up to Dana's apartment and resists the temptation to fuck a demon-possessed gatekeeper. They just show up to break up the action in an awesome movie to have a completely random debate about who would win in a fight between a heavyweight boxer and a karate master.


Apparently, New York bums wear ascots made of tin foil.

What's more than just weird about Murray and Aykroyd doubling up as bums for the film is the fact that Murray is clearly channeling Carl Spackler from Caddyshack.


Or maybe he just moved to New York and changed his name.

Why It Would Have Ruined the Movie:

Ghostbusters is a pretty strong film, so this might not have ruined it, but it certainly would change every conversation from "Yeah, I liked Ghostbusters a lot" to "Yeah, I liked Ghostbusters except for that fucking pointless bum scene." It would function as the "Octopus's Garden" of Ghostbusters, an aggravatingly goofy, out-of-place aside that ruins an otherwise incredible piece of work.


Not unlike the Ghostbusters cartoon.

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