Insects and arachnids, like humans, have their superheroes with incredible powers. The only difference is that their superheroes are real, and consistently more impressive than the human version.
Just consider ...
In all likelihood, the first three things you learned from Spider-Man was: spider senses blah blah blah, with great power comes yadda yadda and spider webbing is about five times as strong as high-grade steel, pound for pound. It's also waterproof and completely immune to bacteria and fungus, as if to mock us with the fact that nothing that makes up our bodies or anything associated with our lives is even close to as god-awesome-incredible as what dribbles off the backside of a spider.
And it does all of that without a cape!
Which brings us to Darwin's bark spider, a native of Madagascar and the granddaddy of all web secretors. It produces the strongest natural substance on the face of the Earth. These eight-legged bug munchers' webbing is 10 times stronger than Kevlar (the shit they make bulletproof vests out of) and a whopping 25 times stronger than steel. Oh, and it also easily beats out titanium, tungsten and pretty much any other metal around.
This is what our troops should be wearing.
We're sorry to say the reason the bark spider needs its butt-adamantium is the exact one you were secretly afraid of: it makes some of the largest webs on the planet that can reach over 80 feet in length. Bark spiders like to build their lairs above rivers and lakes where they don't have to compete with their lesser brethren.
We're pretty sure those are eagles.
They totally weave their webs from one bank to the other, too. Scientists are not sure how they manage that. Let's just assume they utilize wind or build a raft of enemy corpses or something. We mean, it's not as if spiders can walk on water or anything ...
... except, of course, this one.
Which bears a distinct resemblance to Martin Landau.
Spiders are one of the few creatures on Earth capable of turning the majority of people into screaming sacks of meat stewing in their own fear piss. Spiders are terrifying by default and (as we've shown you before) have the potential to be even more terrifying. Luckily though, spiders -- like all good supervillains -- have one major weakness: water, that wonderful substance able to turn them from a terrifying foe into a laughable mass of flailing limbs.
Got your back, bro!
And then there is the fishing spider. So named because of, no shit, its ability to fish, and by "fish" we mean "plunge its legs beneath the water's surface, grab its prey and tear it off to land." It achieves this by walking on the surface like it ain't no thing.
The fishing spider sneaks up to fish by dancing on the surface tension of water, then attacks them from above like a furry, eight-legged angel of death (the worst kind, as death angels go). More often than not, the end result is this:
If it makes you feel any better, that fish was kind of an asshole.
We never said it was a tiny spider, remember? That was just your wishful thinking.
But so what if it can swim, right? Just throw stones at it or kick it underwater or something. If you sink it, it drowns. Right?
Wrong! By trapping air in its fur, a fishing spider can stay submerged for almost 45 minutes. It is also an excellent swimmer, because fuck you, humanity. Signed, Nature.
What the hell, water? You were supposed to have our back.
To understand the superpower of the tiger moth, you have to understand its predator, the bat. Bats, when not striking fear in the hearts of criminals everywhere, are true marvels of nature. First, studies show that bats are actually more efficient and agile fliers than birds.
Aside from actual tigers, what can this guy blend in with?
And bats of course also have one of the most sophisticated sonic detection systems in the animal kingdom, pinpointing bugs in the pitch black of night with ultrasonic waves. It's these astounding abilities that make bats the unstoppable hunters in the night that they doubtlessly are.
They should make a superhero out of that.
Tiger moths, while potential bat prey, are one of the few creatures that can detect the high-frequency projections of bats, so they know when they're coming. But rather than go running away, they simply jam the signal. Now, if you think they're just screaming really loud so the bat can't hear, that certainly is part of it. But that wouldn't qualify as a superpower.
Though looking like a prostitute's underwear helps its case.
No, what's amazing is the moths will make fake echoes off of nonexistent objects. Basically, they can make bats see things that aren't there with sonic illusions. A bat could be flying around and then all of a sudden: "Holy shit, what is that? Break right! Break right!"
Scientists, of course, have been eager to study the tiger moth's powers. In one study they -- following the tried and true scientific motivation of "shits and giggles" -- pitted bats against moths in gladiator-style death-games to see just how good the moth really was. The outmatched bug managed to screw up the bats' sonar senses despite being tethered, crippled and pitted against three bats at once.
What is the greatest weakness all insects have in common? They can be crushed. Bug spray might not kill everything. Some pests aren't fooled by the soft glow and relaxing hum of a bug zapper. But at the end of the day, a well-placed boot is logically pretty much the only weapon you'll ever need to defeat a raging insect.
Well, logic, you're in for disappointment when you happen to stomp on the ironclad beetle. It will scoff at your puny efforts.
"Piss off, buddy."
This slow-moving, bird-crap-camouflaged insect has two distinct powers. The first is thanatosis, which sounds like a kick-ass comic book doomsday weapon but is really just a science-y way of saying that they like to play dead. In fact, these beetles play dead so well that jewelers in Mexico decorate and sell them as living bling.
"Aww, a giant insect permanently disfigured by cheap rhinestones and a hot glue gun! He totally gets me!"
Perhaps more importantly, though, the ironclad beetle has what amounts to the hardest exoskeleton of any arthropod in existence. They are, for all intents and purposes, the tanks of the insect world. And yes, you can literally step on one and the damage you do is likely to be precisely jack shit. So it'd be like if a person was strong enough to withstand being stood on by Godzilla.
It took a whole platoon of U.S. Marines to bring this guy down.
And get this: you know those insect collectors who like to impale things with pins and put them in little display cabinets? Those guys have to use drills on ironclad beetles, because you can't get a pin through them without power tools.
Oh, and they also have grittier cousins called, no kidding, diabolical ironclad beetles, whose appearance is not unlike a demonic murderer's black heart set on six legs.
"I am the last thing you see before you die."