7 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

#3. Disfiguring Skin Changes

You've likely heard of "pregnancy glow," a magical aura of awesomeness that surrounds the fertile female.


Less awesome are:

Chloasma ...

Via Skincamouflage.com

skin tags ...

Via WebMD

and PUPPS:

Via Cafemom.com

Let's start the horror show with chloasma, the "mask of pregnancy." Sadly, it's not a fabulous superhero identity: it's dark brown, blotchy patches on the face caused by an increase in melanin, and it happens to 50 to 75 percent of pregnant women. While her face is turning splotchy, her neck, armpits, groin and under-breasts are growing skin tags, which are polyps that look like tiny flaps of skin. So now the mom-to-be looks like the Phantom of the Opera and is covered with little bits of extra skin ... let's throw a rash into the mix!

The most common pregnancy rash is pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy, or PUPPS for short. It starts on the belly with red welts that look like hives (the skin kind, not the bee kind) and then spreads like a tiny rebel force over the thighs, breasts, arms and butt. And since her body isn't going to go down without a fight, it itches like hell and looks pretty fucking disgusting. The only good news here is that two of the skin conditions go away once the baby is born and that skin tags can be easily removed, which probably isn't a lot of comfort to the pregnant woman who's looking like an unholy hybrid of Davy Jones, Two-Face and a diaper rash.

Skin changes? I have no idea what you're talking about.

#2. Cheeseburger Crotch

It's hard to imagine combining two things that most men love and getting something horrible out of it.

"How could this not be wonderful?"

All that personmaking involves a lot of blood, which is why the amount of blood in a woman's body increases by up to 50 percent during pregnancy. As the baby gets bigger and heavier, more fluid + weight = external vaginal swelling, or cheeseburger crotch. Why cheeseburger crotch? Because some long-suffering lady realized the excess fluid in her bottom bits made her look like she was shoplifting a cheeseburger in her panties. And just for kicks, the inflammation doesn't have to be equal: one side can be totally normal, while the other can be as puffed up as a Donald Trump press release. It can come and go, too, so one day might be business as usual, and the next ... would you like fries with that burger?

Oh, we forgot to tell you not to read this during lunch.

As an added bonus, if her lady parts turn bright red, purple or blue, she might have varicose veins in her va-jay-jay. And there's not much she can do about it, other than -- you guessed it -- have the baby.

Via Wikipedia
Pictured: varicose veins. We admit that we didn't really look hard for a photo of vaginal ones.

#1. Hairy Nipples

Here's how hair growth normally works: individual hairs grow about half an inch a month for a few years, then they stop growing for a few months like they're in some kind of sleep chamber, then they fall out. Then, if you're lucky, the cycle starts over. So, for most of a lady's life, her hair is 90 percent growing and 10 percent resting.

Um ... sure, that hair will work for our purposes.

Until she gets pregnant. The same hormones that are torturing the rest of her body parts do an insane number on mama's hair growth. Specifically, that little resting phase that hair goes through before falling out is obliterated. There is no resting period during pregnancy -- the hair just keeps growing. And that's why, alongside the obvious knocker-related advantages of pregnancy, thick, luxurious hair is the one thing the ladies have to look forward to. That's the good news. We wish we could just stop there, we really, really do. But if you made it this far, you might as well know the truth: In addition to getting a head full of sexy tresses, pregnant women also find individual hairs in places they don't belong. Like the upper lip, chin, back, belly and, you guessed it, nipples.

Typical pregnancy photo.

And other than the usual hair removal remedies that ladies have been employing since the dawn of time, there is nothing you can do about it. BUT! The bad news doesn't end there! Like every other condition on this list, things are (hopefully) going to return back to normal once the baby is born. Except the hair-growth thing. And not in the way you'd expect. At some point in the weeks and months following the baby's birth, all that that hair was that was growing like a pesticide-resistant weed is going to fall out. In clumps. Maybe not clumps clumps, but definitely enough to clog the shower drain and freak an already hormonal woman the fuck out.

Via Sometimesigetangry
Ew. Just ... ew.

It's at this point that we should give full disclosure: This entire article was Cracked's attempt at helping to solve the overpopulation crisis. You're welcome.

For the opposite side of the cause and effect equation, check out 5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid or learn about people who made you terrified of sex a long time before this article did in 5 Sex Experts Who Made the World a Worse Place (To Do It).

And stop by LinkSTORM (updated today!) to make yourself feel better.

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