Thanks to sitcoms, romantic comedies and our mother's cuss-filled horror stories, we all know pregnancy is no walk in the park. In fact, pregnancy can cause some horrible, horrible things, like inny belly buttons temporarily turning into outies and ugly-people-making.
And then there's the stuff from a horror movie. Here are seven bizarre symptoms pregnant women experience prior to giving birth that would make the rest of us think we were dying of a disease they're going to name after us.
In movies like Knocked Up, vomiting is a quick and tidy signal that the lady in question has a bun in the oven. Once she realizes what's going on, the nausea magically disappears, and our mother-to-be gets on with her wacky life crisis, right?
"OK, puking is over, what's next in the manual? Looks like crying."
Anyone who's ever had a killer hangover or suffered through a raging flu has experienced the glory of constant nausea. Not just the throw-up-and-get-it-over-with kind of sick, the kind where everything that goes down comes back up in the form of Satanic bile. Everything. Every meal, every snack, even every sip of water or swallow of saliva. Even when you don't eat, you're treated to the dry heaves and the burps. You're so broken-down that all you want to do is go to bed and/or die.
This picture just made 418 pregnant women throw up on their keyboards.
Now, picture getting that sick after every meal of every day for nine solid months. Oh, and another thing -- picture that as the months progress, a rib-crushing basketball grows under your shirt, making your hourly face-down trips to the toilet an exercise in torture. Also, just for funsies, imagine you're also experiencing a host of other ailments, like heartburn, backaches, random bloody noses, loss of bladder control and a wicked case of the furious farts. If you can imagine all that, you've got hyperemesis gravidarum down pat.
"No, it's not a contraction -- get a lighter. This is going to rule."
In the worst cases, extreme nausea lands moms-to-be in the hospital for dehydration, and nothing short of an IV can get them back into fighting shape. And even when someone does come up with a medicine to treat nausea, most ladies hesitate to medicate themselves while hosting a mini-human parasite. Especially since the last time a nausea medicine was widely prescribed, it left 10,000 kids around the world with severe birth defects.
"You know what? Worth it."
Anyone who's ever spent more than an hour around a pregnant woman already knows what hormones can do to an otherwise normal, reasonable person. When not sobbing over weight gain or the horrors of elastic waistbands, her heightened estrogen levels are also turning her body into a freak show. For example, in some cases extra estrogen is making the inside of the woman's mouth taste like a quarry.
Mmmmm ... hey, this one even has a drive-through!
To someone already suffering from a host of other ailments, the constant taste of penny suckage is not the best way to start the day. Plus, some prenatal vitamins make the metal taste worse. And it's not like you can skip out on the prenatal vitamins if you ever want to look your child in the eye (eyes, if you're lucky) later on. On the plus side, for most women suffering from metal mouth, the taste goes away after the first trimester. On the negative side, the best way to distract taste buds is with foods that are high in acid, which probably aren't going to be doing the maternal stomach any favors.
Pregnant women are advised to avoid taking acid. Unless they're looking for a really good time.