Ah, the nightcap. The quiet, dignified drink before bed, sipped in a smoking jacket while relaxing next to a fireplace, if old magazine ads are to be believed. Regardless of how you spent your day, a nice relaxing drink before bed will ease you right into dreamland ...
The fact that he's smoking a cigar certainly doesn't hurt the whole "relaxation" bit.
... and then you'll wake right up a few hours later, feeling like shit. Yes, if you think a nightcap is going to help you to get a good full night's sleep, you're in for a surprise. As in, "It's three freaking a.m. and you're wide freaking awake! Surprise!"
For the first few hours, your body will be busy metabolizing the alcohol, so you can look forward to a deep sleep for the first half of the night while your body is otherwise occupied. However, once it's finished doing that, your body's going to turn its attention back to you. And man, is it going to be pissed.
"That corporeal dickbag can really hold a grudge."
So during those wee hours, you can look forward to nightmares, snoring, headaches, digestive problems, night sweats and, because Lady Irony doesn't want to miss out on all the fun, insomnia. Oh, and in case you're male and figure you may as well work in some sex (because, you know, you're awake), you're also likely to be experiencing a nice case of the whiskey dick.
Still, at least you've got it better than those who suffer from sleep apnea. Their condition is only worsened by a nightcap because the alcohol relaxes their already shitty throat muscles to the point that they can stop breathing for up to eternity. Yes, that's our way of saying that nightcaps can potentially kill people. But at least you'll know you spent your last waking hours on earth looking suave as hell.
And that's what people remember.
Every college kid swears by some bullshit hangover cure he got from his older brother, and none of them work. That's not just hard experience talking, but also the conclusion of the British Medical Journal. Back in 2005, they released the results of a massive survey into the effectiveness of various "cures" and categorically stated that, no matter how much you might swear by slathering yourself in tomato juice and wrapping your head in plastic wrap, nothing works.
Actually, no, that's not quite correct, because they did suggest a surefire way to avoid hangover symptoms: abstinence or moderation. Ahahaha! Shit! Sorry, what were we saying again?
It turns out that there is a cure, and a wondrous one at that: the bacon sandwich. And no, as far as we're aware this isn't some marketing team-up between the world's breweries and pork farmers -- there's totally legit science involved.
Sandwich science is obviously the best kind of science.
Those findings were the result of British-led research that came just a few years after the British-led research that said there was no such thing as a hangover cure, leading us to assume that the Brits, being the world's most hungover people, are simply desperate for a cure.
It turns out that the hangover-slaying superpowers of the bacon sandwich are a happy accident of its two constituent ingredients, bacon and bread. The bread is loaded with carbohydrates, while the bacon is full of protein that the body breaks down into amino acids, an important player in your body's overall level of feelgoodness. And while we've shown you before that drinking doesn't kill your brain cells, booze does cause you to lose neurotransmitters, i.e., those chemicals in your brain that allow you to do things like think and breathe and control your innate desire to dance the sexiest version of the robot possible. But the amino-rich wonder-food that is bacon tops those right back up, helping to clear up that feeling that gremlins came in the middle of the night and replaced your brain with a pincushion.
"Time to go perform some surgeries and then get my drink on again."
So add it all up and it means that, so long as you remember to stock up on bacon and bread beforehand, you can feel free to get tanked without fearing the repercussions. Assuming you trust yourself to fry splattering, greasy food while your head feels like John Bonham's bass drum during a never-ending drum solo, that is. So maybe go with that precooked bacon -- you know, the kind you just pop in the microwave? We're sure it's just as effective, despite the fact that it tastes like it's flavored with the tears of baby pigs.
For more myths you believe like a damned fool, check out 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths From History (You Probably Believe) and 5 Ridiculous Animal Myths That You Probably Believe.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The 4 Goofiest Curses from the Bible.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover the truth about hairy palms.
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