Hey, remember The Star Wars Holiday Special, which George Lucas has basically begged you to never watch? It turns out there are a whole bunch of movies that the stars have been trying to hide from everyone, mainly because they're afraid someone will make fun of them.
That's all right, though. That's what we're here for.
10Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger's Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
If you look closely at the horror section of the video store, you may notice something odd: a cheesy The Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel you've never heard of that happens to feature two Hollywood superstars as the leads. And we're not talking about something they cranked out decades before they were famous, either.
The movie is Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, which the studio buried to avoid pissing off a respected actor.
Originally known by the equally nonsensical title of The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the 1994 movie starred Matthew McConaughey (who was months away from becoming an A-list star) as a psychopath with a robotic leg. Oh, and it also starred freaking Renee Zellweger, as the lady who runs and screams.
Also, in the movie McConaughey and his brother Leatherface work for the Illuminati or some stupid shit like that. Judging by this promotional reel, half the movie consisted of McConaughey screaming like an idiot:
The movie was supposed to be released in 1995, but Columbia Pictures tried to sabotage the film because McConaughey had suddenly become a big deal. Producers had already agreed to delay the movie until after a little movie Zellweger was starring in called Jerry Maguire came out in 1996. But by then McConaughey had starred alongside Sandra Bullock and Sam Jackson in A Time To Kill and had Spielberg's Amistad coming up, so he probably wasn't so eager to be seen in some shitty slasher sequel anymore.
At this point, McConaughey was known for playing idealistic lawyers, not choking Jerry Maguire's girlfriend.
According to producer Robert Kuhn, McConaughey's agent was "putting pressure on them not to release the film theatrically." The movie eventually got a limited 20-city release in 1997 because of this, in edited form and with a different name. The producers then got their revenge when they released the DVD version under this awful cover:
If you cover the top and the bottom with your hands, it totally looks like a porno.
9Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire -- Don's Plum (1995)
Don's Plum is a movie starring two of the highest-grossing American actors of all time -- and because of a lawsuit by the stars themselves, it can never be released in the U.S.
DiCaprio and Maguire claim they made the film as a favor to friend, but never actually intended it to be seen: they agreed to let it be shown in film festivals and stuff, presumably under the understanding that nobody goes to that crap anyway. However, after Titanic came out and made obscene amounts of money, the director began meeting with distributors. DiCaprio, Maguire and other actors appearing in the film responded by trying to (illegally, according to the director) block the movie's domestic release.
Tobey still hasn't stopped his maniacal laughter.
At this point Don's Plum became a bit of a Hollywood legend: what exactly was in it that the actors didn't want America to see? Some news outlets covering the court case described Don's Plum as "the story of a young man exploring all kinds of sexuality and human emotion," which featured "Leonardo DiCaprio as a bisexual who appears nude in one scene." Adjectives like "sexy" and "steamy" were liberally thrown around, making it seem like this was the next Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee tape.
Only, you know, with these guys instead.
But, despite being banned in the U.S., the film did come out in Europe, and it's not as controversial as everyone thought (or hoped it would be). Turns out DiCaprio's role consists of him sitting in a diner booth for 90 minutes, being a huge asshole:
The movie is a fairly typical black-and-white independent film with all the '90s trademarks like nonlinear editing, a retro soundtrack and characters who seriously won't shut up. It's about a group of friends getting together in a place called Don's Plum and talking about sex and drugs while not actually doing a lot of either. At no point does DiCaprio remove his clothes or declare his bisexuality (that's someone else), so maybe he didn't want the movie released simply because he thought it sucked.
Or because he does come off like an annoying little turd in it.