#2. Never Been Kissed
Drew Barrymore (again) is a 25-year-old journalist who has to pretend to be a high school student in order to research a story. While in school, she falls in love with a teacher, Sam, who can't show his feelings toward her because he thinks she's a teenage student and he doesn't want to go to jail.
After she comes out and tells the truth, Barrymore writes a column in her newspaper declaring her love for the teacher.
"So you're not really a teenager? Wow, that's a boner killer."
Brave and spunky, she stands on a baseball field in front of the entire town, waiting for him to come give her her first kiss before the game starts.
So What's the Problem?
Sam shows up a little late, because he's in the process of getting the hell out of town in the wake of his ruined teaching career. You know, because of the whole falling in love with a student thing. He was probably looking over his shoulder constantly, convinced everyone who walked by could read his tormented mind like some ephebophilia Garfield thought balloon.
It's bad enough that she tricked him into thinking she was a student while openly flirting with him at every opportunity. But after she finally tells him the truth, she puts the whole thing in the fucking newspaper, essentially announcing to the community that Sam is a burgeoning sexual predator who falls in love with his teenage students. Remember, he didn't know she was 25 -- it was basically a To Catch a Predator setup.
This is just blatant honey trapping.
And if for some reason a lynch mob hasn't already smashed his dick with a toaster and set his car on fire, Drew's baseball-field stunt has made it virtually impossible for him not to show up. If he skips town, he'll go down in local history as the douchebag who broke the heart of sweet and adorably earnest Drew Barrymore.
So really, Sam is left with no choice but to publicly declare his love for a girl that everyone thought was underage until like three days ago, essentially destroying his chances of ever teaching another class for the rest of his life.
While she writes an amazing story and dumps him after getting a Pulitzer.
#1. The Notebook
In this film adaptation of the Nicholas Sparks novel, a lower class guy named Noah spots wealthy Allie at a carnival and is immediately smitten with her. Not realizing that theirs is a grand romance that will break through class barriers, Allie is resistant to his initial advances. When she and the obviously-not-right-for-her guy she's dating go up on the Ferris wheel, Noah climbs all the way up to them so that he can convince Allie to go out with him.
"I guess I could have waited until you got off, but that wouldn't be creepy enough."
So What's the Problem?
While Noah hangs around on the Ferris wheel, he takes the chance to ask Allie out once more. Again she says no, because the act of determinedly climbing the scaffolding of a carnival ride is something a crazy murderer would do, and as we all know those types of people do not make good boyfriends. And so after understandably rejecting the stranger who has been continually harassing her and her date, this happens:
Noah drops an arm and very strongly implies that if she continues to reject him, he will let go of the Ferris wheel and kill himself. We'd like to point out that threatening suicide is categorized as Level IV domestic abuse by the Marine Corps, which is on par with "significant use of non-accidental physical force." So Noah inflicts significant emotional damage to a girl he just met, just so she'll go to the movies with him.
"You know what, buddy? You're kind of an asshole."
Even when Allie succumbs to Noah's psychotic antics, he feels like he hasn't traumatized her enough. So he feigns ignorance and makes her tearfully shout out that she wants to go out with him. Finally, when Noah is done mentally torturing her, he gets a smug smile on his face and calmly agrees to take her out on a date, as if she'd been the one pestering him in the first place.
What more do you need, Allie? Marry that man!
Simon Bower pretends to be a writer from time to time. Follow him on Twitter for occasionally witty updates.
For more lovey-dovey things you misinterpreted, check out 6 Romantic Movie Gestures That Can Get You Prison Time and 8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape.