The 16 Most Baffling Pieces of Official Merchandise Ever

#8.
G.I. Joe Shampoo

Via 9gag

It's a known fact that kids, particularly boys, don't give a shit about how bad they smell at any given point. Which is why G.I. Joe shampoo is kind of genius. The people at Hasbro and Avon who made this 1988 product were fully aware that 10-year-old boys didn't care all that much how feathery soft their hair was, so they cleverly neglected to write the word "shampoo" anywhere on the bottles. Probably so they could trick children into thinking they were buying pure, liquid G.I. Joe characters.

Notice none of the characters endorsing the shampoo even have visible hair, and that when the franchise was rebooted, it was sold in badass "Berry Blast" scent and featured a character missing not only visible hair, but an entire face.

Via Amazon
Of course, he couldn't be a very successful ninja if he went around smelling of delicious berries.

#7.
WWE Talking Soap

Via countingthelights

Do you like cleanliness but hate good self esteem? The WWE has the soap for you.

Stone Cold Steve Austin soap included the catchy phrase, "Pick up the soap NOW!" and The Rock soap politely informed customers to "Go wash up, jabroni, because frankly, you stink!" To make matters worse, this was not some audio clip activated by hitting a button; the audio was turned on by the water itself. Which meant that if you actually used this soap in the shower, you would be assaulted with a barrage of insults until you were clean or chucked the soap out of the shower in a stream of tears, whichever came first.

Via wrestlecrap

#6.
Jackie Chan Organic Skin Care

Via asianbite

For ladies who care about their skin but only trust products from male Asian action stars, Jackie Chan has literally got you covered. In 2006, Jackie announced the launch of his cleverly named Jackie Chan Organic Skin Care line of skin care products. Not only were the lotions and creams organic, but they were also made out of recyclables, just like Jackie's movie plots -- OOH! BURN, CHAN!

Getty
"BURN CHAN" was coincidentally the name for his range of heat massaging products.

#5.
Star Trek Marshmallow Dispenser

Via apieceoftheaction

Have you ever found yourself in desperate need of a marshmallow dispenser? One that was needlessly complicated and came with a fork so big you could toss bales of hay with it? Kraft Foods and Star Trek have got your back, THANK GOD.

This product was released in 1989 with Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, a film that includes exactly one reference to marshmallows.


Seen here, if you don't blink and miss it.

That was more than enough for the people at Kraft to roll out this official Star Trek marshmallow dispenser that inexplicably comes with a fork, spoon, belt clip and burdensome plastic container, in case you need to carry exactly four marshmallows but aren't concerned with comfort or convenience.

#4.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Posing as the Starfleet Crew

Via Dork Dimension

For everyone who has fantasized about mashing up different generations of science fiction characters, but not sexually, or logically, there's this.

In 1994, someone got it into his head that not only were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ripe for a Star Trek crossover, but also that they needed heads full of glorious hair to do it. More importantly, the reptiles didn't just play dress up and pose like Comic-Con pretenders; if this packaging is to be believed, they temporarily became four officers of the Star Trek Enterprise, Starfleet ranks and all.

Via autocosmica
"Dammit, Leonardo, I'm a bodacious dude, not a doctor!"

Which begs the question -- where are our toys of Spock and Kirk dressed in nothing but turtle shells and eating pizza?

#3.
Redd Foxx, the Cuddly Children's Doll

Via funkystuffblog

Here's a doll that needs no explanation, other than the one you'll have to give to your kid's therapist.

Redd Foxx was a groundbreaking, incredibly popular comedian in the '70s and '80s, but to be very clear, he was a comedian for adults, as a lot of his material was sexual and his most famous routine was called "You Gotta Wash Your Ass." No one apparently told this to the people at Shindana Toys, who released this official Redd Foxx doll in 1976. Clearly marketed for children, the doll also talked and include some variations of his famous sayings, such as "Please, wash your face before you kiss me" and "You are uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly," just the kind of self-esteem boosts little girls need to hear when they're growing up.


"I will kill you in your sleeeeeeeep."

#2.
The Little Mermaid's Shark Ring

Via Chicology

You'd think that when coming up with a piece of bling that reminded people of Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Disney Couture would have jumped on something iconic, like a fish or seashells.

Instead, Disney Couture went with the next best thing. The jaw of a shark.


"Your bleached skeletons will make an adorable bracelet!"

Though this Shark Jaw Ring is supposedly inspired by the film, the only shark in the whole movie appears for about 58 seconds of screen time near the very beginning and holds no plot significance whatsoever. As a result, they wound up with something that was accidentally pretty badass. Didn't Tony Montana wear a ring like this in Scarface?

#1.
Letters to E.T.

Via The Pitch

It's not unusual to see a popular movie or TV show get a book tie-in as a cheap way of continuing the story line, but normally these books have things like "plots" and "an actual author." Not Steven Spielberg's Letters to E.T. This is less of a book and more of a gallery of fan mail telling Spielberg how great he is.

Via retroist

All the letters are supposedly real and completely ridiculous, especially considering that half of the letters aren't addressed to Spielberg at all but are actually written to E.T. himself. Apparently, delusional children and adults around the world yearned to make contact with their favorite movie prop by telling him how great he is ...

Via retroist

... or, in one case, how he caused them great financial distress.

Via retroist

It takes a lot of balls to publish your own fan letters, especially when they include little old ladies trying to bilk money out of you. On the other hand, what is Twitter if not a huge Letters to E.T. of self-published narcissism? Nice job, Spielberg. YOU INVENTED THE FUTURE.

For more unfortunately designed toys, check out 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children and The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World.

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