We get that stupid kids and distracted parents are going to shill out big cash for action figures or SpongeBob SquarePants macaroni. And we totally get that there are adults out there who are thrilled to spend bigger cash on collectibles from their own childhoods.
But the stuff on this list isn't for either of those groups. Or anyone else, as far as we can tell.
Look to the upper right of the box. That's a bloody, disemboweled man on a box of Micro Machines, tiny toys that were typically sold to "ages 4 and up."
"Warning: Small children may present a choking hazard when consumed."
Yes, they made a line of Micro Machines based on the Alien franchise, R-rated movies that are kind of about rape. Though parents can't claim they were deceived -- the box housing the tiny terrors goes out of its way to feature illustrations from the most horrific parts of the movie. There's the guy with the alien exploding through his gut, and the salivating alien chasing a green suited victim and a huge close-up of the behemoth head and chompers of the alien itself. Hey, there's the headlamp guy seconds before he gets face raped!
All that's missing is the facehugger itself for some sweet tiny vehicle/psychological horror pretend play. Still, maybe this line of ridiculousness was intended for hardcore adult collectors of, uh, tiny cars. We can't say the same for...
If you're not clear on why these are a whole other ball of misguided wax, get a load of the illustrations:
"Color in the postmortem lividity!"
A whole heap of things went wrong here. One was that someone commissioned a line of activity books based on a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in wing panties.
"Sting has lost all his clothes. Connect the dots to find them!"
And they commissioned it without realizing that Dune's themes were clearly too mature for kids, even as they were drawing pictures of murdered corpses on a cold tile floor. Also on the list of things the creators didn't realize: that no kid in his right mind was going to give a second shit about this shitty movie. Which is too bad, because now we're looking at these illustrations and thinking no-bake spice cookies probably deserve a second chance.
"Ask an adult for the required awareness spectrum narcotic. If none is available, cinnamon will probably do."
When it came time to create merchandise to promote soon-to-be-released The Phantom Menace, the licensing guys outdid themselves. Especially when they came up with a candy that featured Jar Jar Binks thrusting his dick-shaped candy tongue out of his gaping mouth while smiling eagerly and holding a wide-eyed frenzied gaze.
Because French-kissing the penis mouth of the most hated Star Wars character in history was exactly what kids were into those days. Or any days, really.
It takes some franchises years to degrade to the point where they just start sticking a label on any product out there, but Thor decided to start that stupid shit right out of the gate. This alarm clock, seemingly only available overseas or in Thor promotional prize packs, not only has nothing to do with the movie, as gods generally don't have to pump iron to stay in shape, but it's also the worst designed alarm clock we've ever seen.
Both ends are completely round, which means when you turn it off in the morning there is a very good chance that it will actually roll away from you, then fall to the floor or destroy your lamp or your dignity, whichever it runs into first.
The only thing harder than losing a loved one is losing a loved one and then watching him meet his final resting place in a coffin plastered with a band advertisement. Specifically one that is covered in flames, which clearly signifies a place where you don't want your loved ones to go after they die.
Never ones to back down from an ill-advised commercial venture, KISS has put their koffins up for sale not once, but twice, apparently because dead people couldn't get enough of them. And if the thought of spending eternity in the equivalent of a 1979 Trapper Keeper isn't bad enough, the always klassy Gene Simmons actually made sure everyone knew "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott was buried in one, presumably because Pantera hadn't yet got their shit together to market their own gaudy coffin yet.
Via Armen Atoyan
We have to admit, we're a little bit torn on this one. On the one hand, this lazy ass stain of a mustache is on sale for $7.99 right now -- not 25 years ago, not in your wet dreams, but right now. And not from the neighborhood Spencer's either, from Lucasfilm itself.
On the other hand... notice that instead of capturing the iconic stache-skin-stache of the real Billy Dee mustache, a specimen of facial hair that gracefully descended from the nostrils into two separate caterpillars of awesome, these jokers slapped some fuzz on a cardboard cutout and took off for a smoke break. We have to admit, the audacity of the disguise is in itself pretty badass. And considering we're 95 percent sure the makers of the disguise are in on the joke, and that every single member of the Cracked staff is sporting one right now ...
Via Wikimedia Commons
Lando? Is that you?
... we're going to go ahead and proclaim this product a raging success.
We'd be lying if we pretended to understand the phenomenon that was Steve Urkel. Or Family Matters. Or the entire early '90s TGIF lineup. So why anyone would consider putting the likeness of a nasal teen whose junk is perpetually crushed by his own ill-fitting pants on a strawberry and banana flavored breakfast food is beyond us. Toys, yes. Novelty suspenders, of course. But on nourishment that you soak in milk and then put into your mouth hole? Eww.
Also note the total lack of effort on the cereal itself. It's two-color Froot Loops. They didn't even bother to make the pieces shaped like nerdy glasses or something. Still, like Elmo or the blond one from You Can't Do That on Television, Urkel was a character that kids inexplicably liked. So it at least made a little sense. We can't say the same for ...
Just like Urkel-O's, this cereal was also released by Ralston in 1991, otherwise known as "The Year Actual Monkeys Took Over the Management of Ralston." Despite the fourth-grade art on the cover, this was, in fact, the official cereal for the Kevin Costner film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. And you know it was official because it was full of dicks.
OK, we owe Urkel-O's an apology. You should stick with the basic cereal shapes because once you translate something like, say, an arrow to an industrial cereal press, you have no idea what you're going to wind up with. And a lot of stuff looks like dicks.