3Twilight's Bella Is Part Werewolf
Toward the end of the Twilight series, several pressing questions remain in the mind of the reader, the foremost being, "How can I introduce a constitutional amendment to stop the phrase 'sculpted, incandescent chest' from ever being used again?" But there are others: Why can't Edward, a vampire mind-reader, read the thoughts of Bella, a regular human girl? Also, how on earth is Bella pregnant with his half-vampire baby, when vampires can't father children?
What time of the day was this picture taken, and why isn't he engulfed in flames?
The fact that Bella's baby is mysteriously invisible to any kind of scan and even another vampire's precognitive powers (apparently, in Twilight vampires are basically like the X-Men) seems to suggest that something is definitely up with that particular fetus. What could the author possibly be hinting at with all these clues? What amazing plot twist could possibly justify all this drivel?
Bella is revealed to be a T-1000?
The Awesome Fan Theory:
Simple: Bella, the completely uninteresting teenage protagonist, is actually part werewolf. You thought you were reading about a boring, cliched emo girl stereotype, but that's exactly what the author wanted you to think.
The Twilight books tell us repeatedly that vampire powers go haywire when it comes to their ancient enemies, the werewolves. If Bella possessed a weird combination of human and werewolf DNA, it would explain why Edward couldn't read her mind, why the vampires couldn't see her baby's future and possibly how the hell she got pregnant in the first place.
Everyone knows a werewolf uterus is more resistant than a regular one.
Think about it: That whole "vampire powers go crazy" stuff could easily include making their sperm count go up while inside a werewolf -- sure, why not? They just never found out about it because vampires and werewolves hate each other so much. This could also explain why Jacob, the most eligible werewolf bachelor, has the hots for dull Bella: it's just genetics. Also, Jacob didn't find out he had werewolf blood until the second book, so there's a precedent for this stuff.
Awful tattoos are an early warning sign of lycanthropy.
More importantly, making Bella and Jacob long-lost first cousins would have utilized the time-tested Star Wars Incest Love Triangle Escape Clause. Finally, Bella's human/werewolf/vampire hybrid baby could have ended the vampire vs. werewolf conflict by linking them to a common bloodline, like a significantly more sparkly version of a medieval dynastic marriage.
What We Got Instead:
We sure did get an explanation for Bella's special powers: She is an incredibly unique and beautiful snowflake, and everybody loves her. Seriously -- that's it. It turned out that the vampires couldn't see the baby's future because the fetus was "wrapped in something."
"There it is. Miss, your son is covered in bullshit plot twists."
As for the mysterious impregnation, the author fixed that plot hole by having some guy walk in and tell everyone that male vampires can in fact impregnate human females, but that it happens so rarely that everyone sort of forgot about it. Apparently, vampires throughout history have been very strict about always using contraceptives and never, ever raping people.
Seriously, why is he not on fire now?
Oh, and the Jacob/Bella/Edward triangle is "solved" when Jacob falls deeply in love with Bella's recently born baby ... but the less said about that the better.
2Battlestar Galactica's Cylons Are Robot Syphilis
In the 2004 version of Battlestar Galactica, the nearly obliterated human race is fighting the cylons, a race of artificial life forms that were once robots but who have become physically identical to humans. In fact they're so identical to humans that near the end of the show, four regular characters realized that they were cylons all along and never even knew it.
This is why you should always watch your lover's spine during intercourse.
It sounds like a pretty cool twist, except for the fact that it didn't really make a lot of sense: One of these characters had lived among humans for decades before the human-cylon war even started, for example. Another had fathered a perfectly normal child with his human wife, even though cylon/human babies were supposed to be a huge deal.
And yet no one gave a crap about that kid.
Given that it clearly made no sense that these characters were cylons from the beginning and that the series went on a yearlong hiatus immediately after dropping that bomb, the fans were left with nothing to do but comb through earlier episodes in search of an explanation. And they actually found one ...
The Awesome Fan Theory:
Cylons have a sexually transmitted disease.
Above: chrome space gonorrhea.
According to this theory, cylonism is a virus, and the method of transmission is sex. It actually makes perfect sense when you look at the series. During the course of the show, all four characters had either slept with cylons or slept with people who'd enjoyed some cylon lovin' themselves.
There's not a whole lot to do in space.
Basically, every single one of these characters can be traced back to a cylon ... through fucking: Chief Tyrol's ex turned out to be a cylon sleeper agent; Colonel Tigh's wife slept with a male cylon (and was later revealed to be a cyclon herself); Tory slept with Baltar, a man with a robot fetish so extreme he'd allowed a sexy cylon spy to destroy his home planet; and Anders was married to Starbuck, who also slept with Baltar and possibly with a cylon, too.
The show could have added an important message to its plot twist: when you're fighting a war against murderous machines who walk among you as humans, always use protection.
Or, you know, try not to sleep around so much, sexy people.
What We Got Instead:
As we've mentioned before, the complex storyline of Battlestar Galactica was completely made up on the fly... which is probably why the final episodes ended up giving us a series of half-assed explanations that made way less sense than the robo-syphilis theory.
Turns out the four human cylons were actually ancient immortal beings also called cylons who, through a series of implausible plot twists and coincidences, ended up marooned on Earth with false memories. Oh, and remember Chief Tyrol's half-cylon baby? He wasn't really his son, because his wife cheated on him with some guy and -- goddammit, what is it with these people?
Keep it in your microSD slots, kids.