#3. Hospital is Starstruck, Screws Over Heart Attack Victim
In early 2005, the late Michael Jackson threw up in his car on his way to his child molestation trial. We could make a lot of comedy guesses as to the cause, but the symptoms suggested that the 46-year-old Jackson had stomach flu. He was rushed to the Marion Medical Center so that he could be properly treated.
When Jackson was brought into the emergency room, one of its occupants was Manuela Gomez Ruiz, an elderly woman who was recovering from a heart attack -- which you may recognize as being a serious medical condition. The staff of the Marion Medical Center, bound by their duty to care for those in need, removed Ruiz from her ventilator and took her to a smaller room to give the flu-stricken King of Pop more room.
"Manuela Ruiz? How many Grammys would you say she has?"
Think about that for a moment. This is a hospital, removing a heart attack patient from the emergency room for someone with stomach flu.
"Well if you made the best-selling album of all time, maybe we could have done our jobs properly."
Ruiz was in such dire straits that her breathing was being assisted with a hand pump as she was being moved, begging the question why it crossed anyone's mind to disconnect her in the first place. She tragically suffered another heart attack and died.
Her family was understandably outraged, and expressed interest in suing both the hospital and Jackson. We can't imagine they had much luck though; everyone knows that celebrities are just better than normal people.
"They actually pulled me off a murder investigation to work this."
Jackson fans can take solace in the fact that he was released from the hospital after 33 hours, free to continue his long, fruitful career for years to come.
#2. Woman Assaults Roommate Over Girl Scout Cookies
One night, a Florida woman named Hersha Howard was craving some Thin Mints -- a popular variety of Girl Scout cookie (if you didn't already know this, congratulations -- you hate freedom). But as she searched her home for them, Howard was shocked to discover that the cookies were gone. She soon began to suspect that the one responsible was her hilariously named roommate, Jasmin Wanke.
At around 1 a.m., Howard confronted Wanke, accusing her of stealing the Thin Mints. Howard then did what any rational, sane person would do: She beat the everloving monkey shit out of her thieving roommate.
Eventually, Wanke's husband pulled the two of them apart, but that wasn't going to stop Howard. Wanke ate her Thin Mints, and they needed to be avenged. So Howard started chasing her with a pair of scissors before eventually hitting her with a wooden board. The epic duel then moved to the kitchen, where Hersha bit Wanke's breast and hit her several more times.
Fights with roommates usually involve passive-aggressive notes.
Finally, Wanke's husband was able to restrain Howard until the police came and arrested her -- although we can only imagine what the hell he was doing during the whole scissors/board/boobie-chomping exchange (probably eating the Thin Mints). Howard was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, but as far as we know, cookie thief Wanke is still at large.
#1. Man Prefers Prison to Arguing With Wife
We've never been to jail in Sicily, but we're going to assume prison life is the same there as it is anywhere: a terrifying, miserable experience full of stabbings and rape. And we assume that the Sicilians, like most people, do everything they can to avoid it.
To be fair, this is literally 100 percent of what we know about Sicily.
So you'd think house arrest would be like winning the lottery for Santo Gambino, a Sicilian construction worker who was arrested for dumping hazardous waste from his truck. The courts decided to ignore the fact that "Santo Gambino" might as well be "Racketeering McMafia" and sentenced him to house arrest instead of prison.
He looks like he uses his forehead to break rocks for a living.
After a few days of confinement in his home, Gambino got into too many arguments with his wife. Apparently, his better half was not happy with his efforts to take care of their children, what with the toxic chemical dumping and his court-mandated staycation.
Eventually the strain was too much, and according to Italian police (and our friends at Google Translate), Gambino decided to "move away from home heading towards the police station where he reported to prefer prison to married life." That's right, the man violated his house arrest and immediately turned himself in because he didn't want to be at home with his wife anymore.
"I would really rather be raped in the shower by a 300-pound mafia enforcer named Satan."
Much to Gambino's surprise, the police denied his request and sent him back home, which is admittedly the most hilarious act of law enforcement ever performed. Evidently they figured his wife was more than enough punishment for him.
You can visit Eddie's website here.
And you don't need to study for your finals. Buy our book and kick up your feet.
For more questionable actions, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point and The 8 Least Impressive Guinness World Records.
And stop by Linkstorm to see the box of expired Twinkies Dan O'Brien risked his life to save.
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