We've all had moments when our priorities weren't quite in line, like the time you punched a kid for mispronouncing "Kenobi" or reported your babysitter to child services so you could steal back your Hobgoblin Pog. And then there are the people who make those decisions seem rational and appropriate.
It may not surprise a lot of you that there are people out there who treasure their cell phones. Hell, it's not uncommon to hear of people risking electrocution on train tracks to retrieve their dropped gadgets. There's even one guy who, after dropping his phone into a public toilet, reached into it and got stuck arm to elbow, eventually requiring the freaking jaws of life.
"God, there is just no way this situation can get worse."
But then there's the case of New Yorker Marcin Muchalski, who was taking a morning stroll along the Williamsburg Bridge when a mugger surprised him, took out a gun and demanded his cell phone.
Not believing that the robber had the balls to actually shoot him in the middle of the Williamsburg Bridge at seven in the morning, and not wanting to hand over his most prized possession, Marcin essentially dared his assailant to pry the Nokia 3390 off his cold, dead hands.
"Are you ... are you fucking serious?"
The robber happily obliged Marcin's request and proceeded to shoot him in the leg. Now, here's where most people would count their losses and hand over the damn cellphone, but Marcin wasn't quite finished pissing in the face of death.
Marcin began to limp away as fast as he could, still holding on to his phone. The mugger, who actually had his priorities slightly more in line, decided not to give chase and risk a murder charge over a friggin' Nokia. Still, he was arrested after Marcin got to a safe distance and called the NYPD -- using his cell phone.
"That's right, officer. The pussy only shot me once."
Though, to be fair to Marcin, people have risked getting shot for less ...
When you're a Brazilian video game champion, you come to expect a certain amount of celebrity status. That amount is zero. None. You have no celebrity.
You're barely even a person.
That all changed when the top scorer of a game called GunBound, known only by his username DuduMagik, got on Brazilian gang leader Igor da Silva Carvalho's radar. Carvalho hatched a plot to kidnap Dudu in order to get the password to his account, which he planned to then sell online in the most rational and totally not ridiculous extortion scheme of all time.
Carvalho had his girlfriend meet Dudu in an online chat room, then presumably had her make strong insinuations that there would be a forest of naked boobies in the gamer's future if they met at the mall. Dudu fell for it, and when he got to the mall, Carvalho and two of his cronies ambushed him and took him at gunpoint to a nearby LAN cafe, demanding that he give up his account password.
It looks placid, but half the people in here are being mugged.
But there's something these master criminals weren't counting on. Apparently, Dudu's entire list of priorities included one thing and one thing only: his goddamn video game score.
With a gun to his head and three gangsters screaming at him to give up his password, Dudu stood his ground. For over five hours. According to our Brazilian sources, and the always-accurate Google Translate, "The person responsible for account DuduMagik ... still not provided the correct password for the transfer, causing the cancellation of the group that released it then." Uh ... we think that means they let Dudu go after he gave them bullshit passwords for a few hours.
"Next time, we'll do better."
So, despite valuing his video game score more than his life and taunting gun-toting kidnappers with fake passwords for five hours, Dudu somehow lived to tell his ridiculous tale. Carvalho and company were later caught and arrested, presumably while holding someone hostage for their Netflix account.
When New Jersey teacher Marie Murphy got a call telling her that her house was on fire, she promptly dropped everything and rushed to the scene. She wasn't scared for anyone's life, because she knew that her husband and her mother, who had been staying with them, were both safely outside the blaze. Instead, Murphy was determined to save her most prized possessions -- and not even a goddamn inferno was going to stand in her way.
We wouldn't rush in there for anything short of our Pog collection.
What was so important that Murphy would literally risk burning to death to salvage? Baseball tickets. More specifically, her season tickets to the Phillies.
Heroically ignoring every single one of her other possessions (including a certificate of fire insurance, which we might have at least taken a slight detour for), Murphy reached her baseball tickets and made it out in time to see everything else that she owned swallowed by remorseless hellfire.
"But at least we saved two pieces of paper!"
Although Murphy and her husband were forced to live in a motel for some time after the blaze, they were at least able to settle everything with their insurance company. And Murphy was even surprised at her school by the Phillies Fanatic who tossed a bunch of Phillies merchandise at her, including a framed World Series Ticket.
It was probably around this time that Murphy fully realized how ridiculous her rescue mission had been, because she was told that the Phillies would have gladly reprinted her tickets had they burned in the fire.
Via Tom Briglia
"But here's a framed picture for risking your life needlessly."
In 2006, Stamford resident Guita Sazan Silverstein made the incredible decision to leave her two-year-old son in her car on a hot summer day while she did some shopping -- because as we all know bad things only happen to poor children that nobody cares about. When she returned, she was horrified to discover that she had locked herself out of the car and couldn't get in. With the temperature at 88 degrees, her child was at serious risk of heat stroke.
"Also, you left the radio off. I kind of mind the 'boredom' more than the 'dying.' "
When the firefighters arrived, they informed Silverstein that in order to get her son out quickly, they would need to break one of the car windows. Silverstein, understanding the urgency and severity of the situation, heroically said no.
Silverstein didn't want firefighters to damage her 1999 Audi, but she understood that her son needed to get out of the car, so she came up with a compromise: drive over a mile to her home to get her spare set of keys. Keep in mind that her son had been in the hot car for 15 to 20 minutes at this point.
Via Anthony Citrano
In her defense, Audis are pretty sweet cars.
After she borrowed a car to drive home, the firefighters ignored her wishes and broke the window anyway because they weren't complete fucking retards. The two-year-old boy was initially unresponsive, but thankfully recovered fully. When Silverstein returned, she was placed under arrest for reckless endangerment and risk of injury to a minor, and for being just a daffy bastard in general.
Silverstein claimed that the reason she didn't want the window broken was that she was worried that the glass would hurt her son. You know, because she just then at that exact moment started worrying about his safety.
"We don't get to say this often ma'am, but you're under arrest for being a galaxy-sized bitch."