#3. Russia Bans Emo
Like any parent, mother Russia just plain does not understand today's youth. The government was looking for a reason for the high suicide rates, depression and general gloominess predominant among teens throughout their vast, impoverished and often freezing country. It finally landed on a likely culprit: emo clothing. Hell, that has to be it, right? What else is there to be depressed about in glorious Russia?
"I've just bribed our way on to a bread queue!"
Dubbed "a threat to national stability," Russia introduced a bill to ban anyone in emo clothing from entering public schools and government buildings as if they were suicide bombers smuggling sadness bombs under their safety-pinned corsets from Hot Topic.
"You don't understand my inner pain. This corset has punctured my lungs."
So what is the tangible danger behind emo culture? Well, a hearing on Government Strategy in the Sphere of Spiritual and Ethical Education claims that emo culture is a "dangerous teen trend" that ranks right up there with being a skinhead. It encourages social withdraw and feelings of hopelessness. According to an advisor of one of the bill sponsors, "The point of the bill is so that by 2020, Moscow will have someone to rule its government."
It'll still be this guy presumably. He'd look good in eyeliner.
So the fear is that emo will eventually collapse the Russian power structure from within by wiping out a generation of future Putins. That's right: They believe that emo fashion would do what both Hitler and Napoleon could not. Although ...
All we're saying is that, he wore black, had an asymmetrical fringe
and thought nobody understood him. Come to your own conclusions.
Don't worry, Russia. The emo thing passes. Then it's the hipsters you have to worry about.
#2. China Bans Reincarnation (Without Prior Government Approval)
For Tibetan Buddhism, reincarnation is kind of a big deal because it will determine how an individual spends his entire next life. This is of particular importance for the tulkus, otherwise known as the "living Buddhas." Unlike other monks, tulkus have the distinct benefit of actually choosing how they are reborn, which, when you think about it, is really, really fucking cool. Though we suppose choosing to be born with an 11-inch dong probably disqualifies you from the position.
"Hey, I have all my inner peace right here!"
But tulkus can't just go around reincarnating willy-nilly, not anymore anyway. As of September of 2007, China banned reincarnation without express permission from the government. The State Administration for Religious Affairs calls the ban, "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." Now, we are no experts on death and rebirth, but not only does this law seem pointless, it also seems pretty damn hard to enforce. We're pretty sure that would be the equivalent of a government regulating when and where Christ was allowed to perform his Second Coming.
"We've got yoga Wednesday and Paul's wife is having a baby next week, so this is a real dick move on your part, Jesus."
So why would the Chinese government try to legislate something so intangible and beyond the scope of a mortal control? The answer is this guy:
He's coming back as buffalo, somebody stop him!
China is flipping out because the Dalai Lama has already begun his succession plan, and has said that he flat out refuses to be reborn in Tibet while it remains under Chinese control. And since China insists that any reincarnated living Buddha that was not approved by the government is "illegal and invalid," people are looking at the distinct possibility of two Dalai Lamas existing; one chosen by the monks, and the other by Beijing. The only way he could make it worse is if he went around telling fake stories about when he traveled through time.
Or if he just had enough of the whole mess and came back as an eagle.
#1. Australia Bans Small Breasts in Porn
Back at the beginning of 2010, the Australian Classification Board decided it needed to put an end to some of the more unsavory aspects of adult films and publications. First on their hit list was the depiction of any sort of female ejaculation. The Board felt these scenes were most decidedly deserving of a Refused Classification because it was one of two things:
Urine, and thus banned under the label of "golden showers," or;
an abhorrent depiction.
We presume all the wives of the men on the Classification Board are having affairs.
Also in the Classification Board's sights for banned content? Breasts. Or rather, the lack thereof. If you were going to have naked titties, they needed to be big titties. By order of the Australian government.
"What's that, Skippy? Big titties? Also this joke is playing on a horrible stereotype? Good boy."
The reason is that an Australian group called Kids Free 2B Kids was leading a campaign to forbid women with an A-cup breast size from appearing in pornography, claiming it encouraged pedophilia, since apparently all flat-chested women are under the legal age of consent.
Pictured: a 15-year-old boy, apparently
As a result, depictions of non-voluptuous women in their late 20s have been banned, including those in mainstream publications like Hustler. Not only that, but according to Fiona Patten of the Australian Sex Party, "It may be an unintended consequence of the Senator's actions but they are largely responsible for the sharp increase in breast size in Australian adult magazines of late."
OK -- we think we've discovered an ulterior motive here.
The party doesn't stop here. Learn more in the Cracked.com book.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover Brockway's Hustler spread.
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