6 Things You Won’t Believe Got Banned By Modern Governments
As much as we love thinking of ourselves as the rebellious kids fighting against an oppressive society run by unreasonable old men, the truth is that most things that are illegal are illegal for a reason. Society just doesn't enjoy your public urination as much as you do.
But sometimes, the grownups get it wrong. Hilariously wrong, in fact.
Good old 1998. El Nino dominated the news, Microsoft was sweating the antitrust case, and you could still put a gallon of gas in your car for about a buck and a quarter. As the year drew to a close, however, something had grabbed the world by the nuts even more so than the upcoming impeachment of the President of the United States, and it was a goddamn toy.
Via We're talking about Furbies, some kind of nightmarish mechanical rabbit with a beak that quickly became the must-have toy for Christmas in 1998 and 1999. Nearly 16 million of the electronic spawns of Satan were sold. Because of this popularity, Furbies were finding their way in to the homes of millions, and even some places of employment. Which is fine (albeit annoying) unless your employer happens to be the National Security Agency.
Via Chris Fritz
Because Fridays are only "Bring your Cabbage Patch Kid into Work Day."
In 1999, an internal memo was sent out officially banning Furbies from the NSA's headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland because officials were worried that people would take them home, and that the spiritual predecessor to Tickle Me Elmo would overhear, and proceed to talk about classified information. This was due to the Furby's supposed ability to not only speak its native language Furbish, but also to progressively learn English over time the more you interacted with it.
Via asmo23
The NSA's Furby, after strip searches and shouting "reveal your secrets robot!" failed to yield results.
What the NSA failed to realize is that Furbies didn't actually develop or learn anything at all. Hell, they didn't even repeat what they heard like most people thought. In fact, what nobody seemed to realize is that the Furbies' language development was pre-programmed, and that no matter what you say to the Furby, it's not going to learn or say anything different than the 100 English words it was already programmed to "learn." You can read it Portuguese porn articles every single day for six months straight, and it's still going to end up saying, "I big worried."
But, it's easy to see how the NSA wouldn't know that. It's not like they are big on, you know, gathering information about things.
Via David Erickson
Blue is going to be taken in for serious questioning after this.
In 2002, Greece's government wanted to crack down on illegal gambling; specifically, electronic gambling machines. Makes sense -- these machines offer all of the money-sucking ability of a casino, but without the free buffet. The problem comes when laws regulating any kind of electronic entertainment are made by people too old or sheltered to have ever actually seen one. As a result, the vague, all-encompassing wording of the new law wound up effectively banning every possible kind of video game, anywhere.
iStockPhoto
"I have the Bubble Bobble. Hand over your firstborn."
The law banned any games or gaming systems with electronic mechanisms and software. So instead of regulating gambling, they effectively grounded the citizens of the entire country and told them to go do their homework. According to the Greek newspaper Kathimerini, "The blanket ban was decided ... after the government admitted it was incapable of distinguishing innocuous video games from illegal gambling machines." That is, rather than bog themselves down with figuring out what exactly these newfangled "video games" were, they just threw out a blanket ban figuring no one would care as long as it took out the gambling machines along with it. That's really all people use video games for anyway, right?
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This wholesome family scene will be shattered when Carol's legs are broken as payment for losing at Smash Bros.
Needless to say, the ban was not well received since the legislation's stubborn ignorance meant that anyone caught playing games as innocuous as Minesweeper in a cafe could potentially be slapped with a hefty fine and a prison sentence.
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"I'm here for murder...ing Goombas."
This drew scorn from both the gaming community and Europe as a whole. Shortly after it was passed, the European Court of Justice sent a letter to Greece explaining delicately that the law was idiotic. Greece responded by allowing more leniency in the law and also with a follow up letter to the European Court of Justice asking how to get those songs from their computer screens onto the little record players everyone carries around.
From Tibet to Tiananmen Square, China has celebrated an illustrious career of censorship, fudging details and generally hiding shit from the world. Anything that might endanger the delicate social fabric of their country is susceptible to suppression or banning, and recently there was a new addition to that list of national threats: time travel.
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Also, unicorns.
Not the pursuit of actual time travel -- though it seems like that would make sense in the name of Terminator prevention -- but time travel as a fictional concept. China's General Bureau of Radio, Film and Television noticed a recent uptick in the number of shows and movies featuring time travel as a central theme (Lost, we bet) and decided that the completely fictional concept of manipulating the flow of events was, "disrespectful to history."
More rational governments realize the finale of Lost was only disrespectful to intelligence.
Apparently, the problem isn't with depicting the act of time travel itself, but with the actual historical events or people portrayed, because inevitably the recounting of those events are not 100 percent accurate. You know, since putting an original spin on history is kind of the point of a time travel movie.
According to the Bureau, "The producers and writers are treating serious history in a frivolous way, which should by no means be encouraged anymore." What, do they think this law can stop that Bill & Ted sequel from happening? Come on, China, if that could be done, don't you think we would have tried? Keanu is pushing 50-years old -- we're not any happier about it than you are.
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This is the face of a man desperate to reclaim his youth.
And quite frankly, we're shocked that a massive political system that's so reliant on heavy media manipulation and selective truths would have the balls to tell their citizens they are no longer entitled to the suspension of disbelief.
I wasn't aware that the Australian Government has banned small breasts in porn but it doesn't surprise me. The viewpoint that it will only encourage pedophilia is indicative of just how out of touch our elected officials are. After more than a decade of crying out for an R classification for video games we're still no closer to getting one. Speaking of video games, It seems you can murder and mutilate to your heart's content, being awarded points and health all the while but if the player should actually be encouraged to have sex with a digital companion? Well, that would bring about the downfall of moral decency for the entire country.
ReplyI wasn't aware the Australian Government had banned small breasts in porn but it doesn't surprise me. The viewpoint that it will only encourage paedophelia is just another example of how out of touch with reality these morons really are. We still don't have an R classification for video games. And why?? Because our elected officials are of the opinion that video games are cheap entertainment for kids. Hopefully it'll happen sometime in the next decade but I won't hold my breath.
ReplyThat article about time travel and China is bullshit. I live in China and Ive watched two time travel shows in the last week, both of which were produced by major Chinese studies and aired on Public television.
ReplyThe second one is crap too. Dalai lamas have always been reincarnated in China, trying to change it now and choose someone outside of China so that the CIA can continue to use the DA as their puppet when the current criminal kicks the bucket is f*****g disrespectful to all the real Buddhists out there.
Wow, the Chinese government truly have you subjugated and stupid. I must say, you can't help but respect someone being able to deny billions of people their rights and getting THEM to thank you for it. haha
dance puppet...dance.
Banning small-breasted porn is not going to "end" pedophilia. Wouldn't potential child molesters then consider going after a "physical" source rather than relieving their abnormal fantasies in the privacy of their wanking chairs at home?
ReplyMan, Australia's one make sense. The Reincarnation one should be in #1, because it's flicking absurd and hilarious! Make it a movie!
ReplyIf there can be 2 Popes, why not 2 Buddah? That's right - no reason!
Reply...There can't be two popes? The period when there was was one of the most tumultuous and unstable in the history of the Catholic Church. It was actually a huge issue.
No mention of Japanese porn w/o genitals? Chicks can look like they got hit by a glue explosion but you can't show the dispensers?
Replyactually whats funny there is you can IF there isn't pubic hair but because in feudal japan only prostitutes would shave there pubic hair (and because of communal bathing) most women in japan refuse to even trim themselfs down there even the AV stars
Huh. I like 'em smaller anyway.
Replychina and australia...can we...can we euthanize them? I mean seriously, their governments just, need to die, there is no logical corrolation between breast size and pedophilia to the best of my knowledge, and time travel and reincarnation aren't even real.
ReplyIn a country where stepping a few inches to the right will get you a face full of deadly animal, I find it funny that Australia considers small boobs and violent vidya games more detrimental to children.
Reply1.) Wow. Well that's depressing. Now all underweight Australians can feel worse about themselves.
ReplySo, no Asians in Aussie porn?
ReplyI'd like to point out that there's a joke in there somewhere about Australia outlawing small boobs as well as R-rated video games, and the inconsistent nature of said country's laws. It's probably funny, too.
ReplyRemind me to never go to Greece.
ReplyI know lots of Greeks (not just Greek-Americans, but from the actual country). Decent enough people, but their country is just... messed up.
Zeus left then by their own. This is what they got now.
And why is it a problem that Russia banned emos?
ReplyBraces for down votes
Because freaking out about kid's fashions is not going to solve their suicide problem? The only people I would expect to give a s**t about whether or not someone is an emo or a goth or whatever are other kids. Seriously, I'm only 20 and I already feel too damn old to care about what teenagers are wearing or what music they listen to.
The porn one is pretty terrible - it just seems to legitimize body policing. "No, really - real women have curves! IT'S THE LAW."
ReplyI've got curves, but that doesn't make me any more real than other ladies.
Yes. Yes it does.
6) To be fair Furbies are fricking evil looking.
Reply5) And the Greeks wonder why their economy has tanked. -_-
1) Small breasts are a beautiful thing. All it does perpetuate the myth that only women with comedy-sized fake breats can succeed in life.
Not that I'm mocking women with naturally large bosoms either.
Well, succeed in the porn industry, anyway.
Russia is currently working to ban anything discussing homosexuality, apparently. Kind of stupid if you ask me.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd by the way, guys, since you all never seem to want to acknowledge this - big breasts are not always better - they hurt. So please, stop confusing breasts with your silly dick-measuring contest (most of us really don't care as long as we can feel the damn thing and it's not punching through our cervix).
Hate to break it to you but most (or, at the very least, an incredibly large percentage of) guys do not like really big breasts, either.
It's not like men force women to have big breasts, and also, men only want big penises for the women to enjoy sex (bragging about it is a bonus). You may say women don't always like big penises, but then again, like Jason has pointed out, it also applies to the opposite. So please, stop being such a sexist douche.
Nope, the obsession with penis size is a male thing. Most women don't care that much. So unless your dick is freakishly tiny, you worry about what other guys think, not women, whatever you tell yourself.
And the intended ban on homosexuality is more than kind of stupid. They want to ban any manifestation of homosexuality and its depiction in the media because they call it propaganda of homosexuality (they being the proponents of the ban, not everyone agrees obv.). Which as far as I know is not a thing that exists.
How is #1 bad? also, at least the russian one will discourage skinny jeans on males.that's just disturbing.Worse? The hipsters.You think a bunch of depressed teens will ruin things? Try a bunch of lazy pretentious douchebags in cowboy hats and cardigans wandering doing nothing
ReplyBecause it's ignoring the actual reasons people might be depressed or suicidal and blaming it on too much black clothing instead?
Hey, hipsters are people too. I think. Also, however good "Watchmen" can be, you may not rock the smiley face pic.
As the former owner of a small herd of furbies (I'm as ashamed to admit it as you are to read it), I can tell you that mine learned words and phrases not on the list of pre-programmed ones including such gems as "fuck," "bitch," and "kitty kitty hide." So, apparently I had sentient demon furbies. Good thing they burned, I guess.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEverybody had sentient demon Furbies.
Oh, you shouldn't have burned them. Now their evil spirits are roaming about your house, just waiting to f**k your s**t up.
My friend bought a furby so he could teach it to swear, but when he found out it wouldn't he gave it to me to play with, then my brother dropped it from a small height and it died.