6Masterminds -- Hacking Actually is a Video Game
But at least that movie only made their hacking "like" a video game. 1997's Masterminds boasted a scene in which the hacking actually was a video game, complete with a first person shooter setup and... a joystick.
So this "hack" is executed by the kid navigating his character around a cartoon castle, complete with animated gates, hallways, torches and scary video game skeletons:
It really is an impenetrable fortress of a system -- after the program recognized the hacker as "an illegal intruder," it says it's only going to allow him two minutes to find the "valid entrance."
Instead of, you know, killing his connection or something.
To be fair, the system does try to track the hacker's location. Unfortunately, the system also informs the hacker of this, and notifies him of their progress in doing it.
Then it throws all the tracing and blocking out the window when the hacker finds the "valid entrance" inside the two minute time limit. Really, every firewall should respect the idea of fair competition and bow to anyone who bests it.
... but turning you in would be dishonoring your victory. Well played.
5NCIS -- 16-Core with a Ten Meg Pipe
As we're about to find out, absolutely no one is worse with this subject than network cop shows. Let us present this NCIS clip that is medically proven to make you stupider:
So a guy enters a girl's living room, looks at her monitor and asks, "Is that a 12-core?"
Now, we're not going to get technical with this because none of us here at Cracked are qualified enough to give a shit, but we're not going to let it slide that he just made an educated guess about the size of her processor by glancing at her fucking desktop wallpaper.
"Is that a 12-core? Wait, why did you photoshop that title onto World of Warcaft's login screen?"
But the real "go fuck yourself" message to every gamer watching is when they start talking about her holding "the high score in virtually every massively multiplayer online role-playing game."
The high score. You know, because these newfangled "online role-playing games" the kids are talking about are basically Pac-Man, right? And it wasn't enough to say she had the high score in one MMORPG, oh no. She holds the high score in virtually all of them. In a world where becoming even an average player in one game takes the same amount of time as a full-time job.
The thing is, I can almost understand the ridiculous portrayal of hacking earlier -- most people haven't hacked a computer. But there aren't many places you can go in America where someone in the room hasn't played an MMORPG. If you're confused, fucking ask somebody, Mr. TV Writer. Because unless you're performing your cop show live in the cafeteria of a nursing home, lots of your viewers are going to know you pulled a whole scene straight out of your ass.