CRACKED ROUND-UP: Toxin Cleansing Edition

Thanks to a new health directive from Legal, all Cracked employees are now required to take part in a weekly toxin cleanse. They won't tell us why, only that we "have to be pure" for the "coming trials". Bill went up there a few days ago to deliver our complaints, but we haven't seen him since. Now the whole office smells like bad incense and there's always a dog barking somewhere off in the distance.

This is why normal magazines don't hire Druids as lawyers.


It's easy to get all bent out of shape about endangered species, but some of them really aren't worth the pity, as Soren shows us. Bucholz doesn't understand or tolerate math, but he's got the skills to help you win your NCAA pool. We should really make people sign a waiver before reading his articles. Next, we've got Brockway's take on why the live-action Akira remake is the worst crime in art history. Or at least tied with Andy Warhol. Seanbaby follows up with perfect sex advice books for people who never have sex, and Dan O'Brien closed us off with a journey into the awkward man's fragile psyche.



LIFE SAVERS
6 TV Shows You Won't Believe Saved People's Lives
We're making no judgements about which lives were worth saving here.


Notable Comment: "This is so wrong on so many levels. People who black out can still live normal, healthy li"

Quick. Somebody draw a dick on o0o0o0...fancy's face.



STAR TREATMENT
12 Classic Movie Moments Made Possible By Abuse and Murder
We long for a simpler time, when films were made without CGI and the life of an extra was worth less than nothing.


Notable Comment: "Akira Kurosawa paid trained archers to shoot real arrows at extras whose only protection was a small block of wood under their clothes. That seems absolutely sensible and even safe compared with any of these."

You know, Jack-O, that sounds remarkably like the way we select our new interns here at Cracked.



TERRIBLE TOURISM
6 Socially Conscious Actions That Only Look Like They Help
If you ever wanted to feel a whole lot better about sitting on your ass and watching the world go to hell, this is the article to read.


Notable Comment:Are hybrid cars saving us all or literally raping our planet to death with their giant batteries? Hop into this thread to add your uninformed opinion, backed up by naught but capital letters and questionable grammar.



COMIC ACTIVISM
6 Comics That Covered Serious Issues And Failed Hilariously
Sadly, we didn't have room to write about that one Hawkman where he battles gallstones.


Notable Comment:"I remember after Northstar came out he ended up joining one of the X-Men comic books...where they proceeded to ignore his h**osexuality...again. They made fleeting comments about him liking Iceman...but, once again, nothing came of it. So the lesson here is that the gays are only good for AIDS storylines."

AtomicSpike totally neglects the other thing gays are good for: Jokes about musical theater.



RUN FASTER
6 Brilliant Inventions That Look Like Gag Gifts
There needs to be a TV show where all these machines do battle in some sort of colosseum.


Notable Comment: "Sweet mother of all that is holy! I would suck every dick on the planet to own a Rock Wheel. Every. Single. Dick."

We agree to your terms, McNuggets. But stipulate that you must start your dick-sucking in North Korea.

YOU YOU YOU!
If Every Movie Got a Saturday Morning Cartoon
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Video Game Easter Eggs You Never Noticed and How The Rich Secretly Amuse Themselves.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

3.31.11:

Their plan had worked beautifully. They were able to cross the border completely undetected.
by Glorpinator

Editor's pick:

On the way to his job interview, Bob cursed himself for not doing laundry more often.
by Malaclips

3.30.11:

"I have many skeletons in my closet, but these are my favorite."
by hadleydb

Editor's pick:

"No Carol, I don't give a damn how good their personalities are."
by RodneyHardman

3.29.11:

Alan vs Predator
by Mario!!!

Editor's pick:

I feel like this is racist, I just haven't figured out how.
by maufaux

3.28.11:

"Okay okay - I see it. Fuck - it's a nickel, not a quarter. What a waste of time."
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Moments later, China learned the news. Six more weeks of winter.
by TroidDoes

3.27.11:

Somebody's windshield is in for a big surprise.
by Axplace

Editor's pick:

Some bald men will go to great lengths to draw people's attention away from their head.
by Mario!!!

3.26.11:

James looked to his left and started to walk away. He'd learned his lesson after that peach fiasco.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

"Yes, I know we're Pitt University, I still think it's stupid."
by Malaclips

3.25.11:

Johnny's recent science project got him placed on both the Dean's and Registered Sex Offender's list.
by Mario!!!

Editor's pick:

Barbie-Q would prove to be Batman's deadliest foe yet.
by Glorpinator

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