#4. Carjacker Runs Into the Human Ninja Turtles
Tyrone Hogan was a bit of a jerk: After choking a bus passenger and stealing his shoes, Hogan hijacked a vehicle while a woman was still inside it, then pushed her out of the moving car when she refused to hand over her purse. Because if you're gonna commit one crime, you might as well commit all the crimes.
Realizing the cops were probably looking for the vehicle by now, Hogan pulled into a Hollywood gas station and attempted to steal a van, unaware that it contained some unexpected cargo ...
What Happened Next:
Hogan had demanded money and keys from the driver, Nestor Bustillo, when the back door of the van opened and out burst five young judo black belts. You see, Bustillo and his disciples had just finishing touring Hollywood teaching a self-defense class and were probably eager to practice their art on something other than a bunch of bored housewives.
The team easily subdued the carjacker, but then he started fighting back and trying to get into the van. Seeing no other choice, they pulled him out, doused him with gasoline and "pinned his arms and legs behind his body." They then held him in that position until the authorities arrived.
Actual police photo.
One of the students later recalled: "The boys were punching him in the face and I wanted to go around for a choke, to choke him out, but I didn't want to risk getting punched in the head," so she just stood aside, figuring the guy was getting enough punishment. No, not really: "... so I started pounding him from the back."
We guess the lesson here is, if you're gonna hijack someone's car, stick to defenseless women and try to avoid the Power Rangers.
Incidentally, this is what the "van" looked like.
#3. Street Justice
Austin residents were enjoying a night on the town, drinking, dancing and doing a number of other things undeserving of being punched in the back of the head when Rashad Bobino, a former Texas linebacker, ran up and started punching people in the back of the head. Then he strolled away, satisfied with a job well done.
Football was a speed bump on the road to his true passion: punching people in the back of the head.
While everyone else was simply trying to register what the hell had just happened, one man took issue with the fact that one of the punched people happened to be a woman, went up to Bobino and let him know. Bobino allegedly responded with a profanity-laced tirade that boiled down to, "A pox on you, sir. I will knock out anyone I want. And I will be knocking you out forthwith."
Special moves: Making bad predictions.
What Happened Next:
We should mention at this point that the man who stood up to Bobino was around 80 pounds lighter and two inches shorter than him, and was surrounded by a few guys defending the linebacker (in Texas, his ability to play football makes him a minor deity). To any bystander, the odds would have looked overwhelmingly against him, especially after an amused Bobino started swinging in his direction.
That's when the man calmly took his shirt off, went after Bobino and knocked him to the ground in front of everyone. No big talk, no gloating: "I got the better of him and left," he said.
Oh, yeah, and it turns out the man was Roger Huerta, a former UFC lightweight champion:
"Lightweight" being a relative term.
The sports media actually jumped on Huerta for a while when TMZ posted a video of the street fight ... until they realized the woman-puncher was a sportsman too and found a more deserving target in him.
Huerta says he did what he would expect any decent guy to do -- but the fact is, there were at least a dozen other "decent guys" standing around, and no one moved a finger except Huerta, who acted like some badass street vigilante emerging from his secret identity. One look at him and we've come to the conclusion that he simply flexed his muscles and his shirt disintegrated into particles.
#2. Supervillain Rules Over Chinatown
Sai Wing Mock was a Chinese-American gangster who ruled Chinatown in the early 1900s with his gang, the Hip Sing Tong (which sounds like Korean pop festival). He was also a pretty extravagant dude: One time, after a long gambling session, "he came back to New York with diamond studs blazing from his shirt front and $30,000 in his pockets." Adjusted for inflation, that's the modern-day equivalent of super-gluing a Ferrari to your crotch.
Via Wikimedia Commons
The original gangsta pimp.
Being a well-known criminal figure, Mock had to put up with the constant murder attempts that came with the title. During a typical attempt on his life, he would find himself surrounded by blazing guns and flying hatchets -- to which he reacted with all the caution and common sense of a character in a John Woo movie.
If today's gangsters used throwing-axes, the war on drugs would be a hell of a lot more entertaining.
What Happened Next:
Since he was essentially a well-dressed moving target, Mock always traveled with chain mail armor, two revolvers and a hatchet. This was apparently more about looking cool than anything, since the guy didn't really give much of a damn about his own safety: When attacked, he would react by running into the middle of the street, crouching down and firing his two revolvers at the same time.
Oh, and he did everything we just described with his eyes closed.
Like this, but spinning on the ground. And with more hats.
While this method wasn't exactly efficient when it came to actually hitting people with bullets, it did scare the crap out of the assassins sent after him, it seems -- in 30 years, he was shot only once.
Mock was known "Mock Duck," which makes him sound like a (possibly racist) Dick Tracy enemy. He was young (he took control of Chinatown in his early 20s), stylish, gentle-spoken and fearless: basically, a Chinese Marlo Stanfield.
Again, with more hats.
Seriously, the only thing that could have made this guy more like a supervillain is if he had some insane distinguishing feature, like maybe long, lethal-looking fingernails ... which he totally did have.
#1. Die Hard ... ON A TRAIN (and for Real)
Train robberies are pretty much extinct in America today, partly because of the increase in security and partly because of the Bandana Act of 1878. In other parts of the world, however, they're still all the rage: In 2010, the Maurya Express in India was assaulted by 40 robbers armed with knives and handguns, some of whom were traveling as passengers.
Via Wikimedia Commons
The train above is actually the Malwa Express, not the Maurya Express. Some Indian train aficionado in the comments section would have complained if we didn't make that clear.
Early reports claimed there were actually 11 robbers, but that doesn't make what happened next any less deserving of being adapted into an objectively awful, gloriously violent mid-90s action movie.
What Happened Next:
Like the rest of the passengers, Bishnu Shrestha followed common sense and complied with the robbers to avoid making the situation worse ... that is, until some of them got fresh and started stripping an 18-year-old girl naked in front of her parents. Shrestha, a former Gurkha soldier, reportedly took out his kukri knife and began dishing out some brutal justice.
"Oh, look what I happened to have in my pocket!"
The Gurkhas are one of the most feared and respected military units on Earth, and Shrestha was about to explain to the robbers why, in the most comprehensive way possible. Fighting completely alone, the Indian version of Steven Seagal ('s character in his movies) worked his way through the robbers, killing three, wounding eight more and haunting the dreams of the remaining 29 forever. According to him, most of them simply gave up and escaped after 20 minutes of fighting.
"My fist is swollen from the velocity at which the tears impacted it."
Most of the escaping robbers were promptly arrested. Shrestha said he may have been sent to jail along with the wounded robbers if the girl hadn't told everyone what he did. Officials started throwing as much money and praise at Shrestha as they could, and the girl's family offered him an award of 300,000 rupees (that's a lot of red potions) ... which, several months later, he hadn't collected.
Obviously, there's a huge chance that some of the facts of the story were greatly exaggerated by the media, but there's gotta be some truth to the impressive tale -- we doubt the Indian government simply hands out its most important awards and medals to anyone.
Look out for the Bollywood adaptation, in which Shrestha has a magic sword and a pet dragon.
Learn how defend yourself like a boss when you purchase our new book. (The book won't actually teach you any self-defense techniques.)
For more insane badasses, check out 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman. Or learn about some self-defense tools you probably shouldn't buy, in The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy.
And stop by Linkstorm to see how John Cheese defended himself against the sweet old lady at the 7-11.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!